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Monday, April 30, 2007

Drunken Thoughts - Special Places in Hell

• Actor Richard Gere, star of such films as Runaway Bride,Pretty Woman and a bunch of other movies that nobody watched because Julia Roberts wasn't in them, found himself caught in yet another sexual controversy.

That can mean only one thing....

It's time for this week's: "Guess the Crime!" - the game show where you, the reader, guess which heinous crime the celebrity committed. You'll remember that the answer to last week's question was "A Shih Tzu, a trail of dog treats and a dutch oven." Let's get on to today's question, shall we?

Which of the following is correct?

While traveling through India, Richard Gere a) was caught masturbating at an IHOP in New Delhi - or, as it's more commonly known, International House of Punjab.b) was arrested in a pet store after asking the shopkeeper where the private rooms were, if lotion dispensers were readily available, and if he could get some quarters for the machine.c) picked up a hooker with a striking resemblance to Julia Roberts - an out of work actress that was once quite famous - took her back to his hotel and banged her, then realized it actually WAS Julia Roberts.d) kissed an indian chick in public.

Yes, the answer is D. Looks like we finally found a society even more uptight than our own. In India, you aren't allowed to show physical affection in public. Gere tried to apologize after street rallies were organized to protest the "Kiss", but things quickly escalated out of control.
The event organizer was rumored to have said: "It was shameful! We invited Richard Gere because of his clean cut image and spotless past. How could we know that he would do something so sexually perverse?"

• Laura Dern, known for such cinematic gems as I am Sam - a film which also starred Sean Penn as a mentally retarded adult working at a Starbucks - sat down for an interview with...with...

Wait. What did I just write?

In  I am Sam, Sean Penn played a retarded Starbucks barista.

Sigh.

Dear God in heaven,

Hi. How are you? I am fine.
God? There are so many jokes I could mine out of that one sentence. But saying anything will pretty much guarantee me that special plot in Hell you promised last week. You know, the one you carved out for me when I got drunk and laughed until I puked while watching "Botched Conjoined Twin Separations" and "Little People, Big World" on the Discovery Channel.
Please give me the strength to control myself and stay on topic....

Your pal,
Jason

Anyway....Laura Dern stated that ever since the infamous  Ellen kiss ten years ago, Hollywood has been snubbing her. For anyone unfamiliar with the ABC television show  Ellen, let me give you a quick three-word synopsis: Exploitative Lesbian Angst.

The show was about as funny as Full House. In fact, if ABC had decided to make Full House controversial - like, for instance, letting Uncle Joey and Uncle Jesse bang each other in front of the Olson twins - then maybe they could've milked a couple more seasons out of that dead horse, too.

And that's just how "Ellen" survived as long as it did. Never mind the fact that you could sit through an entire episode without even cracking a smile. Never mind the fact that Bill Pullman was screwed out of an Oscar for his extremely difficult and awkward performance as Ellen's love interest in "Mr. Wrong." Her TV show survived on nothing more than controversy. Each week, millions of viewers were asking "Is she? Or isn't she?" The answer was "She is. And why the hell should I care?

But that leads us back to poor Laura Dern. She's been outcast from Hollywood based on a TV kiss that everybody watched, yet nobody remembers. Honestly, how many of you just said to yourself: "That was Laura Dern? Shit. I thought it was Sandra Bernhardt"?

In conclusion, if the last ten years have been any indication, then expect Miss Dern's career path to branch off into one of these exciting and promising ventures: a) Lesbian porn.b) Lesbian porn.c) Lesbian porn.

•  Grace Park from Battlestar Galactica. No, I don't actually have anything to say about her. I just...I just wanted her to know that I'm thinking about her. That's all.

•  Gene Simmons, from the rock band KISS, now has a reality show called "Family Jewels", which is a complete rip off of the Osbournes. Simmons has always been something of a pioneer. So expect the first episode to include subliminal messages that wipe out the part of your brain that would otherwise make you stand up in the middle of your living room, point a finger at the TV and yell "Rip off!"

•  Sean Penn once played a retarded Starbucks employee. Damn.

•  Boy George has been accused of kidnapping a male escort. The singer apparently grabbed him and chained him to a wall.

To anyone under the age of 30, Boy George was the lead singer for a famous band called the Culture Club. He was known for dressing like a chick and caking on way too much makeup. Nowadays he just looks like Liza Minelli with a shaved head.
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So that's it for this week. Until the next time I get drunk, wake up in a pool of my own vomit and feel like sharing unsolicited opinions with complete strangers, ta-ta and good night.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

'Twas a Wonderful World (or Potty Training in Hell)

(Sung to the tune of What a Wonderful World)

I saw trees of green, red roses too
I saw them bloom for me and you
And I thought to myself, what a wonderful world

Now

I see stool of brown and yellow pee
The bright blessed smell, that overtakes me
And I think to myself, 'twas a wonderful world

The colors in the toilet, I shake my head and sigh
Are also in your trousers, like splattered chocolate pie
I see friends shakin' hands, sayin' "How do you do?"
They're really saying "I smell poo."

I hear babies cryin', insane I go
I'm sorry pampers, I didn't know
And I think to myself, you're still my little girl
Yes, I think to myself, 'twas a wonderful world.

Oh yeah


(Original un-bastardized lyrics by George Weiss and Bob Thiele. My apologies fellas)