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Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Drunken Thoughts - Hairless Talent

•  Britney Spears fell off the Sanity Wagon again. Last week, the pop star entered a hair salon, grabbed some clippers and sheared herself bald. She said she "wanted to look like Sinead O'Connor." Lady, Sinead O'Connor looks like Howie Mandel (with slightly larger breasts). Word to the wise: if you want to keep that career going, you'd better grow the blonde hair back - and fast. Otherwise, we'll stop mistaking you for Jessica Simpson and remember that you're just a dumb white chick with a mediocre singing voice.


Britney topped off the evening by visiting a tattoo parlor. Evidently, she didn't just want to look like Sinead O'Conner; she wanted to look like Sinead O'Connor on crack.


And now, the salon is set to auction off the hair that she left behind. All you loser ebay junkies out there: I know you'd pay top dollar for a lock of Britney's hair, but do you really want to? You don't know where it's been. Want a hint? Keven Federline touched it. Yuck.


•  News of the sadly intriguing: The late Anna Nicole Smith left the family fortune to her dead son. Some might call that a dumb move. I call it the ultimate in money laundering. It seems her sleazy lawyer is trying to negate the will and take control of the entire family fortune.


Here's some free legal advice from a guy that's never stepped foot into a courtroom unchained. If I were the sleazy lawyer, this is how I would get all the money:
a) Go to the cemetary and dig up Anna Nicole's son
b) Contact Disney Studios to animatrate the body; like what they did with Abraham Lincoln and - more impressively - Frank Gifford.
c) Drag the body to court and make its lips move "Thanks, but I really can't use the money anymore. Please just give it to that nice lawyer fella."


Voila. Don't thank me, just send me my cut.


•  Tom Brady, NFL quarterback, managed to knock up a former girlfriend. Brady recently announced to the media that the woman is pregnant, thereby ignoring the sage advice of his fellow players:
a) Lawrence Philips - "Push her down the stairs."
b) Dan "Big Dummy" Wilkinson - "Punch her in the stomach."
c) OJ Simpson - "Do you want to borrow the Bronco?"


Brady has decided to rebel against the traditional pro-athlete family values. He admitted that he's the father and has vowed to help raise the child. If this is true, then he'll be a pioneer in the NFL. Think about it: In the same year we could see two African-American coaches in the Superbowl, Norv Turner defy the odds and inherit yet another successful franchise to destroy, AND an NFL player take responsibility for his own semen. I'm speechless.


•  I'm playing Rainbow 6: Las Vegas on my xbox 360. The game features a crack team of commandos trying to stop terrorists from blowing up casinos all over the Vegas strip. What a rip off! Sounds like I missed the real thing. During NBA All-Star weekend in Las Vegas there were riots, shootings, arrests, fights..you name it.


The next Rainbow 6 videogame should be called- Rainbow 6: NBA All-Star Weekend. It would sell a million copies!


Here's a scene from the upcoming game:
COMMANDER - Cooper! Are you there Cooper?
SQUADRON LEADER - Yes sir, I'm here.
COMMANDER - Terrorists have detonated explosives at the Mirage Casino. I repeat: Terrorists have detonated explosives at the Mirage Casino. You are ordered to assist with the civilian evacuation immediately. Proceed to - ...what?...oh shit!
SQUADRON LEADER - Sir?
COMMANDER - Belay that order. We've got a real situation over at the Belagio. Ron Artest and Stephen Jackson are waving guns around. Get your men over there, ASAP soldier!
SQUADRON LEADER - We're on it!
COMMANDER - Proceed with caution. Remember to - Oh, Christ no..!
SQUADRON LEADER- Sir?
COMMANDER - New priority...We just received a report that the Cincinnati Bengals are in town for a promotional gig at the MGM Grand...

1 comment:

  1. Crap, that's funny stuff. You should consider posting more than twice a month!

    ReplyDelete