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Monday, January 15, 2007

Scraping Bottom - Reviews and Highlights from "Armed and Famous", "Surreal Life Fame Games" and "I Love New York."

TV networks are forever searching for the perfect reality show formula. Last week, three new programs debuted. And once again, the networks rolled the dice and prayed for ratings. Since I'm a reality TV whore, they didn't need to worry about my viewership. They could show a dog licking its ass for a full hour and as long as they slapped a VH1 logo on the screen, I'd grab a pint of ice cream and watch that sumbitch all the way through.
So I fired up the TiVo, freed up some space by erasing the 18 episodes of "That's so Raven" I never asked it to record, and settled in for a good ol' fashioned freak-fest.

Surreal Life Fame Games
VH1 transformed the Surreal Life into "Survivor: Obscurity Island." Is the new formula a success? Or, like Jack Osbourne taking a urine test, is it doomed to fail? Let's find out.

Robin Leach - Former "Somebody".

A long time ago, he hosted "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" and showed audiences across America how the wealthiest celebrities lived. Now he cuts their lawns and sells star maps to tourists on Sunset Blvd.
Ron Jeremy's Penis - Star of countless adult films. Famous for entering more large intestines than a proctologist's colonoscope.
One of the girls said "I just hope he's not as horny as they say." Probably not. His "Precious" has spent more time spelunking through dark caves than Gollum. If anything, Uncle Sticky could use some fresh air.
Peppa - Salt and Peppa. Who? Exactly.
Traci Bingham - From Baywatch. That's about it.
Emmanuel Lewis - Webster.
Surprise appearance by George Papadapolis, please? "Web-STER! Get away from those matches!" And make Webster say "Papadapolis" on the show. It's cute.
Chyna Doll - Former wrestler. 
Ron Jeremy asked "Did you get an anal bleaching?" Chyna was offended. Offended? How about the fact that you go around telling everyone you have a vagina. That's offensive.
Chyna and Mini-Me were sent to a place called the B-List. Basically a small prison - closed off from society and from the other celebrities. Hopefully food will be provided. Otherwise, they might wake up to find Mini-Me in a crock pot or Chyna sitting in a corner gnawing on a small femur.
Wow! For a dude, she sure cries a lot.
Brigitte Nielsen - Rocky 4, Red Sonja...but you probably know her best as Flava Flav's dysfunctional white chick.
After hugging Chyna Doll, she said "Mmm. I'll turn Lesbian for this one." Lesbian? You might want to reserve judgement until you see the package behind curtain number one...
Andrea Lowell - Playboy Centerfold. Eye candy. But only for about two more years. Then, Slam! Watch out for that wall, sweetheart.
As much as I enjoy watching failed celebrities attempt to recapture their fifteen minutes, the casting for this show sucks. They left out all the best train wrecks from previous seasons. Unless they're planning to bring in Janice Dickenson, Tawny Kitaen, Amarosa and Cory Feldman, the show will go down quicker than Andrea Lowell in a room full of casting directors.
SCORE: 4 out of 10. Poor choice of celebrities. Lousy premise.

Armed and Famous
What happens when a major television network wants to rip off the Surreal Life, but doesn't actually have a celebrity to put in front of the camera? Answer: They hang out behind the Surreal Life casting office and sign the rejects that even VH1 won't hire. Then they fly them to Muncie, Indiana and turn them into police officers. Thus bastardizing shows like "Cops" as well. It's a two-fer!
LaToya Jackson - Described as "Recording Artist and author." Author? Hmm...Was she the Jackson that wrote "Puberty: The Party's Over"? Or was that her brother?
She said: "I've always wanted to work at McDonalds and I've always wanted to be a police officer." Wow! A Jackson with ambition. Well, I for one am glad you went the safe route. I'd much rather have you point a gun at me than a loaded fry cooker.
Interesting fact: When she crossed the city line, she became the only black person in Muncie, Indiana. Well, to be fair the black population increased by 0.25.
At one point, she called one of her brothers on a cell phone. Not sure who it was, but I think it was the untalented one - Janet.
Trish Stratus - Hot blonde wrestler.
"I don't want to say I'm excited about getting a gun, but I am." Yeah, and I don't want to say I'm excited about seeing you naked, but...
Jack Osbourne - One of Ozzy's kids...the one who can't OTHER one that can't sing. 
He said "I went from being a lazy overweight drug addict to being a, um..." Pause. And not just a short pause either. A long, suspicious pause. Long enough to realize that he had no idea how to finish the sentence. Let me help:
"I went from being a lazy overweight drug addict to being
a) a lazy overweight burden on society."
b) a lazy overweight drug dealer"
c) a, piss on it. Where's me lucky syringe?"
Wee Man - From Jackass
Erik Estrada - Officer Francis Llewellyn Poncherello
He starred in countless spanish soap operas. One of my favorites is "Dos Mujeres, Un Camino" but I also loved "Mi Carrera es en el BaƱo."
(By the way, mexican soap operas are GREAT when you run out of porn or if you're just too cheap to get Cinemax. That's free advise, people. Use it.)
Ponch assisted the real cops with busting a crack house. He was nervous, but the drug bust went smoothly. Funny thing though, when they opened the front door, I swear I saw Jack Osbourne jump out the back window and run away. 
Hey Ponch, where's Larry Wilcox? Oh yeah, he has a job!
Other Highlights
The celebrities were shown a police video of a routine traffic stop. In the video, a cop leaned into a car window and asked the driver for his license and registration. The driver pulled out a gun and shot the officer - killing him. The celebrities looked horrified. Well...most of them did.
Jack Osbourne just looked pissed. But can you blame him? After the trial, the D.A. swore that the video tape would disappear.
(Warning: Tangent coming....)
Jesus, how many Vagisil commercials are they going to show during this episode? For the last time, there are three things I just don't want to know"
1) Tampons vs. Pads - Honestly, until my wife yelled at me a few years ago for buying her the wrong kind, I never even knew there was a difference.
2) How to obtain maximum absorbency without sacrificing comfort.
3) How to make a hoo-hoo smell like roses.
I know Erik Estrada has a strong following in the geriatric community, where Vagisil is as popular as Metamucil, but come on CBS. Enough is enough.
(Sorry. Off the tangent. Back to the show...)
During the training period, each of the celebrities had to be tasered. State law requires that all police officers go through this ordeal before they can be licensed to carry a taser gun. This supposedly helps the cops understand how painful it is. Hell, why not make them get shot with bullets before they can carry a gun while they're at it? I blame the hippies.
So each of the "Celebrities" got tasered. Most of them writhed in pain and cried out. Understandable. Lots of voltage coursing through their bodies - like electro-shock therapy. However, I could've sworn LaToya yawned as if she'd done this before. Many, many times before...
They hit the shooting range with live ammunition in order to pass the "Gun Certification" test. LaToya couldn't even hit the target and kept pointing her gun all over the place. Let me put it this way, if Wee-Man hadn't been Wee-Man, he would've had a couple more holes in his head.
But even after all that, LaToya qualified. What? Real high standards. Looks like anyone can get a gun permit in Muncie, Indiana. So if you're legally retarded, blind, limbless or if you thought you'd never be able to shoot at another human being again, rejoice! They're handing out gun permits like candy on Halloween.
Word of advice? If you're ever passing through Muncie, wear a bulletproof vest and a nice thick helmet. And beware of stray Jackson's bearing firearms.
Horrible. Just horrible. It was like watching Cops but not nearly as entertaining. Again, the casting is the problem - this is a major network show and they couldn't even get "Surreal LIfe" talent? Shameful. Other than the joy of watching a midget take down a crack whore, do you really care what happens to these losers?
SCORE: 3 out of 10. Blech.

I Love New York
New York was a contestant on the Flava of Love and was rejected by Flav TWICE. Like her namesake she's dirty, has a sinkhole downtown, and traffic in and out of the Lincoln Tunnel is a mess. VH1 gave New York her own reality TV show. Think ABC's "Bachelorette" but starring Divine Brown.
Hey, Cracker!
VH1 found the perfect white boy stereotype - blond hair, blue eyes, no STDs... This guy won't be around for long. To prove he wasn't a racist, he told New York "I had a good friend that was a black boy growing up."
In other words "I used to wave at the town black when I was young and didn't know better." Way to go, Cracker! Somewhere out there, Fuzzy Zeller is giving you a big thumbs-up.
Here are some other things to say if anyone calls you a racist:
a) "I've got a Mexican friend that I pay to blow the leaves off my lawn."
b) "I've got an asian friend that irons my shirts."
c) "I use the same bathrooms and drinking fountains as you people now."
Later, Cracker decided to cut in on New York while she was talking to a black guy named "Chance." Cracker picked the wrong guy to piss off and nearly got himself shanked.
New York described Chance like this: "He's not a fake thug. He's dangerous. He wears baggy clothes. And he drinks a lot. I like that." What a shock.
As a surprise her mother came on the show to help New York make decisions. My mother would've put some clothes on me and drove me home. But my mother isn't a whore, and that's why I'm not on VH1 right now.
Rico gave her a spanish nickname which equated to "Little Black Girl." Guess what? New York got offended. He couldn't figure out why she was so upset since "Little Black Girl" is a term of endearment in spanish. Yeah, I can't figure it out either. By the way, Rico was given his own pet name back home - "Little latino dumbass"
Chance and New York's mother fought with each other all night. This ended with her mother ordering New York to get rid of him at the next Elimination Ceremony. Of course, he's New York's favorite. Duh, mom. Like you didn't see THAT one coming.
In the end, New York kept Chance around, refusing to eliminate him. Her mother looked PISSED - setting up next week's episode where she gnaws off Chance's arm and beats him to death with it.
Half the suitors were obvious plants meant to exploit easy stereotypes. While some were funny, this episode just didn't work. Will I continue to watch it anyway? Oh, hell yeah.
SCORE: 7 out of 10. Much potential. Gotta love New York.

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