Official Website of Author Jason Beymer

Rogue's Curse and Nether available in all e-formats

Saturday, June 2, 2007

It's the General Lee, baby. The General LEE

When I first heard the General Lee was going up for auction, I felt a wave of nostalgia. Memories from my youth came rushing back: jumping through the car window, playing with my Matchbox cars, opening my Dukes of Hazzard lunch box at school and finding a warm, smelly mayonnaise and bologna sandwich, a bag of carrots, and a thermos filled with tepid liquid crap.

I was eight years old. The year: 1980. Some of the memories were good. Honest.

I remember playing football in the street on Friday nights with the neighborhood kids. All of us running up and down the asphalt, hurling insults and engaging in heated arguments like "I was NOT out of bounds," and "Yeah-huh, I can too kick your butt." Arguments that made Roe Vs. Wade look silly in comparison. These were the monumental debates of my childhood. Anything that happened outside of my tiny suburban world was meaningless.

The twilight of evening set in and the streetlights lit prematurely with the sound of burning filament. The air grew colder, the play got rougher and we waited anxiously for eight o'clock to roll around. Throwing the football, making tackles, skinning our knees on the dark asphalt -- waiting -- until suddenly...
One of the moms would open a screen door, step out onto the porch and yell:

"Hulk's on!"

We scattered, a bunch of dirt-covered boys scrambling to our houses like they were made of chocolate, barely remembering to pick up the football or say goodnight. We simply bolted to our respective homes without a second glance, crashed through the front door, switched on the TV and sat so close to the screen that our eyes bled.

8PM on CBS. It was on! The Incredible Hulk followed by the Dukes of Hazzard at nine o’clock. Sweetness. Nothing could distract us from our television for the next two hours.

The Hulk filled the screen with that awesome intro, his eyes all screwed up, his shirt ripped to shreds -- a mammoth Lou Ferrigno drenched in buckets of green emerald Glidden roaring at the camera. We were pumped and ready to see some good ol' fashioned Hulk smashin'.

But then, despite the coolness of the intro, we were forced to watch lame Bill Bixby hog up all the screen time. We just sat there, hoping he would disappear and give way to the big green dude. Who cared about Bill Bixby's problems anyway? Bring on the Hulk. And we knew the routine by Season Two:

a) Homeless Bill Bixby comes to town
b) befriends a chick and/or kid
c) chick and/or kid gets in trouble with bad guys
d) homeless Bill Bixby gets captured by bad guys while trying to save them.
e) bad guys make homeless Bill Bixby mad
f) green guy comes, saves the day, but manages to scare the chick and/or kid
g) homeless Bill Bixby leaves town.

These were the days before TiVo, and we had no choice but to endure the boring setup. It took way too long for the Hulk to open a fresh can of jolly green whoop ass, usually at a warehouse or dockyard and never earlier than 8:55pm.

Once the Hulk ended and nine o'clock rolled around, the main event started: Dukes of Hazzard.

There wasn't a little boy alive that didn't love 'dem Dukes. And you'd watch the entire episode, relishing every minute, wishing you owned that awesome car. The finest automobile ever made. The General Lee.

I used to pray that my dad would buy the General Lee and take me to school in it. I would run out of the house, jump through the window with my Dukes lunch box and head to school in style. Instead, I rode there each day in the back of a yellow Pinto. Sigh. You had to have a REALLY good imagination to mistake a Pinto for the General Lee. Believe me, I tried. The best I could manage was to mistake it for one of the cars in Cooter's garage.

The Dukes of Hazzard ruled. Week after week, the bumbling police failed to capture the Duke boys despite their best efforts. I never even noticed the plot (was there a plot?), I just wanted to see more driving over ramps, more slow-mo shots of cars getting demolished, more scenes with Boss Hogg getting red in the face and yelling "Dem Dukes!"

And though I never actually heard the Hazzard P.D. read someone their rights when making an arrest, I bet they sounded something like this:

Hazzard County Miranda Rights (as read by Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane)
"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law. You have the right to start your car, drive over my foot and get away while I jump up and down on one leg and make funny faces. You have the right to steal my gun and shoot the dirt near my shoes causing me to do a silly dance. You have the right to escape from your cell the moment we lock you into it, provided you can somehow outwit the narcoleptic guard sitting in a chair next to your cell with the keyring loosely attached to his belt."

Friday night was King.

Fast forward to 2008.

We're all grown up. Now our only television nostalgia comes from DVD box-sets and Nick at Night reruns. We no longer play football in the street; we play it on the Playstation.

We spend our Friday nights with our wives drinking booze and watching whatever our TiVo recorded. And when the Dukes of Hazzard comes on television, the wives just cluck their tongues, shake their heads and say annoying things like:
a) "This show is stupid."
b) "Can't we watch something else?"
c) "Get off me. I have a headache."

So who could blame me for feeling a tad bit wistful when I heard that I could recapture some of that lost childhood magic? Recently, the General Lee went on the auction block. THE General Lee was up on eBay.

And somebody out there opened up his wallet and went for it, bidding ten million dollars. Ten million dollars for a slice of America. Some of you might call that "Excessive" and "Irresponsible", especially for a car that barely runs, has busted door handles and a flag painted on top representing slavery and secession. If so, then you just don't get it. It's the General Lee, baby. The General LEE.

By the way, if you just shook your head and yelled, "Wait a damn minute! The Confederate Flag represents freedom and independence," then I suggest that you take the General Lee out for a leisurely drive through downtown Oakland or Harlem. Just make sure you blare the horn-- you know, the one that plays "Oh I wish I was living in the land of cotton!" and trumpet that Dixieland theme with pride. If you're lucky, you'll make it out of the city with the frame still intact. Of course, by the time the "locals" get done with you, you'll have that horn shoved so far down your throat that you'll be whistlin' dixie through your colon.

In the end, the bid turned out to be a hoax. Shocking. The good news is that the car may go back up for auction again in the near future. Make sure you're ready for it. I know I am. That car will be perched atop cement blocks on my front lawn in no time. And I'll squeeze my fat ass through the window every morning, honk the horn and play "Just the good ol' boys" on my iPod Mini.

Now, if someone would just auction off Daisy Duke's Daisy Dukes...

Monday, April 30, 2007

Drunken Thoughts - Special Places in Hell

• Actor Richard Gere, star of such films as Runaway Bride,Pretty Woman and a bunch of other movies that nobody watched because Julia Roberts wasn't in them, found himself caught in yet another sexual controversy.

That can mean only one thing....

It's time for this week's: "Guess the Crime!" - the game show where you, the reader, guess which heinous crime the celebrity committed. You'll remember that the answer to last week's question was "A Shih Tzu, a trail of dog treats and a dutch oven." Let's get on to today's question, shall we?

Which of the following is correct?

While traveling through India, Richard Gere a) was caught masturbating at an IHOP in New Delhi - or, as it's more commonly known, International House of Punjab.b) was arrested in a pet store after asking the shopkeeper where the private rooms were, if lotion dispensers were readily available, and if he could get some quarters for the machine.c) picked up a hooker with a striking resemblance to Julia Roberts - an out of work actress that was once quite famous - took her back to his hotel and banged her, then realized it actually WAS Julia Roberts.d) kissed an indian chick in public.

Yes, the answer is D. Looks like we finally found a society even more uptight than our own. In India, you aren't allowed to show physical affection in public. Gere tried to apologize after street rallies were organized to protest the "Kiss", but things quickly escalated out of control.
The event organizer was rumored to have said: "It was shameful! We invited Richard Gere because of his clean cut image and spotless past. How could we know that he would do something so sexually perverse?"

• Laura Dern, known for such cinematic gems as I am Sam - a film which also starred Sean Penn as a mentally retarded adult working at a Starbucks - sat down for an interview with...with...

Wait. What did I just write?

In  I am Sam, Sean Penn played a retarded Starbucks barista.

Sigh.

Dear God in heaven,

Hi. How are you? I am fine.
God? There are so many jokes I could mine out of that one sentence. But saying anything will pretty much guarantee me that special plot in Hell you promised last week. You know, the one you carved out for me when I got drunk and laughed until I puked while watching "Botched Conjoined Twin Separations" and "Little People, Big World" on the Discovery Channel.
Please give me the strength to control myself and stay on topic....

Your pal,
Jason

Anyway....Laura Dern stated that ever since the infamous  Ellen kiss ten years ago, Hollywood has been snubbing her. For anyone unfamiliar with the ABC television show  Ellen, let me give you a quick three-word synopsis: Exploitative Lesbian Angst.

The show was about as funny as Full House. In fact, if ABC had decided to make Full House controversial - like, for instance, letting Uncle Joey and Uncle Jesse bang each other in front of the Olson twins - then maybe they could've milked a couple more seasons out of that dead horse, too.

And that's just how "Ellen" survived as long as it did. Never mind the fact that you could sit through an entire episode without even cracking a smile. Never mind the fact that Bill Pullman was screwed out of an Oscar for his extremely difficult and awkward performance as Ellen's love interest in "Mr. Wrong." Her TV show survived on nothing more than controversy. Each week, millions of viewers were asking "Is she? Or isn't she?" The answer was "She is. And why the hell should I care?

But that leads us back to poor Laura Dern. She's been outcast from Hollywood based on a TV kiss that everybody watched, yet nobody remembers. Honestly, how many of you just said to yourself: "That was Laura Dern? Shit. I thought it was Sandra Bernhardt"?

In conclusion, if the last ten years have been any indication, then expect Miss Dern's career path to branch off into one of these exciting and promising ventures: a) Lesbian porn.b) Lesbian porn.c) Lesbian porn.

•  Grace Park from Battlestar Galactica. No, I don't actually have anything to say about her. I just...I just wanted her to know that I'm thinking about her. That's all.

•  Gene Simmons, from the rock band KISS, now has a reality show called "Family Jewels", which is a complete rip off of the Osbournes. Simmons has always been something of a pioneer. So expect the first episode to include subliminal messages that wipe out the part of your brain that would otherwise make you stand up in the middle of your living room, point a finger at the TV and yell "Rip off!"

•  Sean Penn once played a retarded Starbucks employee. Damn.

•  Boy George has been accused of kidnapping a male escort. The singer apparently grabbed him and chained him to a wall.

To anyone under the age of 30, Boy George was the lead singer for a famous band called the Culture Club. He was known for dressing like a chick and caking on way too much makeup. Nowadays he just looks like Liza Minelli with a shaved head.
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So that's it for this week. Until the next time I get drunk, wake up in a pool of my own vomit and feel like sharing unsolicited opinions with complete strangers, ta-ta and good night.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

'Twas a Wonderful World (or Potty Training in Hell)

(Sung to the tune of What a Wonderful World)

I saw trees of green, red roses too
I saw them bloom for me and you
And I thought to myself, what a wonderful world

Now

I see stool of brown and yellow pee
The bright blessed smell, that overtakes me
And I think to myself, 'twas a wonderful world

The colors in the toilet, I shake my head and sigh
Are also in your trousers, like splattered chocolate pie
I see friends shakin' hands, sayin' "How do you do?"
They're really saying "I smell poo."

I hear babies cryin', insane I go
I'm sorry pampers, I didn't know
And I think to myself, you're still my little girl
Yes, I think to myself, 'twas a wonderful world.

Oh yeah


(Original un-bastardized lyrics by George Weiss and Bob Thiele. My apologies fellas)

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Drunken Thoughts - Hairless Talent

•  Britney Spears fell off the Sanity Wagon again. Last week, the pop star entered a hair salon, grabbed some clippers and sheared herself bald. She said she "wanted to look like Sinead O'Connor." Lady, Sinead O'Connor looks like Howie Mandel (with slightly larger breasts). Word to the wise: if you want to keep that career going, you'd better grow the blonde hair back - and fast. Otherwise, we'll stop mistaking you for Jessica Simpson and remember that you're just a dumb white chick with a mediocre singing voice.


Britney topped off the evening by visiting a tattoo parlor. Evidently, she didn't just want to look like Sinead O'Conner; she wanted to look like Sinead O'Connor on crack.


And now, the salon is set to auction off the hair that she left behind. All you loser ebay junkies out there: I know you'd pay top dollar for a lock of Britney's hair, but do you really want to? You don't know where it's been. Want a hint? Keven Federline touched it. Yuck.


•  News of the sadly intriguing: The late Anna Nicole Smith left the family fortune to her dead son. Some might call that a dumb move. I call it the ultimate in money laundering. It seems her sleazy lawyer is trying to negate the will and take control of the entire family fortune.


Here's some free legal advice from a guy that's never stepped foot into a courtroom unchained. If I were the sleazy lawyer, this is how I would get all the money:
a) Go to the cemetary and dig up Anna Nicole's son
b) Contact Disney Studios to animatrate the body; like what they did with Abraham Lincoln and - more impressively - Frank Gifford.
c) Drag the body to court and make its lips move "Thanks, but I really can't use the money anymore. Please just give it to that nice lawyer fella."


Voila. Don't thank me, just send me my cut.


•  Tom Brady, NFL quarterback, managed to knock up a former girlfriend. Brady recently announced to the media that the woman is pregnant, thereby ignoring the sage advice of his fellow players:
a) Lawrence Philips - "Push her down the stairs."
b) Dan "Big Dummy" Wilkinson - "Punch her in the stomach."
c) OJ Simpson - "Do you want to borrow the Bronco?"


Brady has decided to rebel against the traditional pro-athlete family values. He admitted that he's the father and has vowed to help raise the child. If this is true, then he'll be a pioneer in the NFL. Think about it: In the same year we could see two African-American coaches in the Superbowl, Norv Turner defy the odds and inherit yet another successful franchise to destroy, AND an NFL player take responsibility for his own semen. I'm speechless.


•  I'm playing Rainbow 6: Las Vegas on my xbox 360. The game features a crack team of commandos trying to stop terrorists from blowing up casinos all over the Vegas strip. What a rip off! Sounds like I missed the real thing. During NBA All-Star weekend in Las Vegas there were riots, shootings, arrests, fights..you name it.


The next Rainbow 6 videogame should be called- Rainbow 6: NBA All-Star Weekend. It would sell a million copies!


Here's a scene from the upcoming game:
COMMANDER - Cooper! Are you there Cooper?
SQUADRON LEADER - Yes sir, I'm here.
COMMANDER - Terrorists have detonated explosives at the Mirage Casino. I repeat: Terrorists have detonated explosives at the Mirage Casino. You are ordered to assist with the civilian evacuation immediately. Proceed to - ...what?...oh shit!
SQUADRON LEADER - Sir?
COMMANDER - Belay that order. We've got a real situation over at the Belagio. Ron Artest and Stephen Jackson are waving guns around. Get your men over there, ASAP soldier!
SQUADRON LEADER - We're on it!
COMMANDER - Proceed with caution. Remember to - Oh, Christ no..!
SQUADRON LEADER- Sir?
COMMANDER - New priority...We just received a report that the Cincinnati Bengals are in town for a promotional gig at the MGM Grand...

Monday, January 15, 2007

Scraping Bottom - Reviews and Highlights from "Armed and Famous", "Surreal Life Fame Games" and "I Love New York."

TV networks are forever searching for the perfect reality show formula. Last week, three new programs debuted. And once again, the networks rolled the dice and prayed for ratings. Since I'm a reality TV whore, they didn't need to worry about my viewership. They could show a dog licking its ass for a full hour and as long as they slapped a VH1 logo on the screen, I'd grab a pint of ice cream and watch that sumbitch all the way through.
So I fired up the TiVo, freed up some space by erasing the 18 episodes of "That's so Raven" I never asked it to record, and settled in for a good ol' fashioned freak-fest.

Surreal Life Fame Games
VH1 transformed the Surreal Life into "Survivor: Obscurity Island." Is the new formula a success? Or, like Jack Osbourne taking a urine test, is it doomed to fail? Let's find out.

Robin Leach - Former "Somebody".

A long time ago, he hosted "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" and showed audiences across America how the wealthiest celebrities lived. Now he cuts their lawns and sells star maps to tourists on Sunset Blvd.
Ron Jeremy's Penis - Star of countless adult films. Famous for entering more large intestines than a proctologist's colonoscope.
One of the girls said "I just hope he's not as horny as they say." Probably not. His "Precious" has spent more time spelunking through dark caves than Gollum. If anything, Uncle Sticky could use some fresh air.
Peppa - Salt and Peppa. Who? Exactly.
Traci Bingham - From Baywatch. And...um...yep. That's about it.
Emmanuel Lewis - Webster.
Surprise appearance by George Papadapolis, please? "Web-STER! Get away from those matches!" And make Webster say "Papadapolis" on the show. It's cute.
Chyna Doll - Former wrestler. 
Ron Jeremy asked "Did you get an anal bleaching?" Chyna was offended. Offended? How about the fact that you go around telling everyone you have a vagina. That's offensive.
Chyna and Mini-Me were sent to a place called the B-List. Basically a small prison - closed off from society and from the other celebrities. Hopefully food will be provided. Otherwise, they might wake up to find Mini-Me in a crock pot or Chyna sitting in a corner gnawing on a small femur.
Wow! For a dude, she sure cries a lot.
Brigitte Nielsen - Rocky 4, Red Sonja...but you probably know her best as Flava Flav's dysfunctional white chick.
After hugging Chyna Doll, she said "Mmm. I'll turn Lesbian for this one." Lesbian? You might want to reserve judgement until you see the package behind curtain number one...
Andrea Lowell - Playboy Centerfold. Eye candy. But only for about two more years. Then, Slam! Watch out for that wall, sweetheart.
REVIEW
As much as I enjoy watching failed celebrities attempt to recapture their fifteen minutes, the casting for this show sucks. They left out all the best train wrecks from previous seasons. Unless they're planning to bring in Janice Dickenson, Tawny Kitaen, Amarosa and Cory Feldman, the show will go down quicker than Andrea Lowell in a room full of casting directors.
SCORE: 4 out of 10. Poor choice of celebrities. Lousy premise.
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Armed and Famous
What happens when a major television network wants to rip off the Surreal Life, but doesn't actually have a celebrity to put in front of the camera? Answer: They hang out behind the Surreal Life casting office and sign the rejects that even VH1 won't hire. Then they fly them to Muncie, Indiana and turn them into police officers. Thus bastardizing shows like "Cops" as well. It's a two-fer!
LaToya Jackson - Described as "Recording Artist and author." Author? Hmm...Was she the Jackson that wrote "Puberty: The Party's Over"? Or was that her brother?
She said: "I've always wanted to work at McDonalds and I've always wanted to be a police officer." Wow! A Jackson with ambition. Well, I for one am glad you went the safe route. I'd much rather have you point a gun at me than a loaded fry cooker.
Interesting fact: When she crossed the city line, she became the only black person in Muncie, Indiana. Well, to be fair the black population increased by 0.25.
At one point, she called one of her brothers on a cell phone. Not sure who it was, but I think it was the untalented one - Janet.
Trish Stratus - Hot blonde wrestler.
"I don't want to say I'm excited about getting a gun, but I am." Yeah, and I don't want to say I'm excited about seeing you naked, but...
Jack Osbourne - One of Ozzy's kids...the one who can't sing....er....the OTHER one that can't sing. 
He said "I went from being a lazy overweight drug addict to being a, um..." Pause. And not just a short pause either. A long, suspicious pause. Long enough to realize that he had no idea how to finish the sentence. Let me help:
"I went from being a lazy overweight drug addict to being
a) a lazy overweight burden on society."
b) a lazy overweight drug dealer"
c) a lazy..um...oh, piss on it. Where's me lucky syringe?"
Wee Man - From Jackass
Erik Estrada - Officer Francis Llewellyn Poncherello
He starred in countless spanish soap operas. One of my favorites is "Dos Mujeres, Un Camino" but I also loved "Mi Carrera es en el BaƱo."
(By the way, mexican soap operas are GREAT when you run out of porn or if you're just too cheap to get Cinemax. That's free advise, people. Use it.)
Ponch assisted the real cops with busting a crack house. He was nervous, but the drug bust went smoothly. Funny thing though, when they opened the front door, I swear I saw Jack Osbourne jump out the back window and run away. 
Hey Ponch, where's Larry Wilcox? Oh yeah, he has a job!
Other Highlights
The celebrities were shown a police video of a routine traffic stop. In the video, a cop leaned into a car window and asked the driver for his license and registration. The driver pulled out a gun and shot the officer - killing him. The celebrities looked horrified. Well...most of them did.
Jack Osbourne just looked pissed. But can you blame him? After the trial, the D.A. swore that the video tape would disappear.
(Warning: Tangent coming....)
Jesus, how many Vagisil commercials are they going to show during this episode? For the last time, there are three things I just don't want to know"
1) Tampons vs. Pads - Honestly, until my wife yelled at me a few years ago for buying her the wrong kind, I never even knew there was a difference.
2) How to obtain maximum absorbency without sacrificing comfort.
3) How to make a hoo-hoo smell like roses.
I know Erik Estrada has a strong following in the geriatric community, where Vagisil is as popular as Metamucil, but come on CBS. Enough is enough.
(Sorry. Off the tangent. Back to the show...)
During the training period, each of the celebrities had to be tasered. State law requires that all police officers go through this ordeal before they can be licensed to carry a taser gun. This supposedly helps the cops understand how painful it is. Hell, why not make them get shot with bullets before they can carry a gun while they're at it? I blame the hippies.
So each of the "Celebrities" got tasered. Most of them writhed in pain and cried out. Understandable. Lots of voltage coursing through their bodies - like electro-shock therapy. However, I could've sworn LaToya yawned as if she'd done this before. Many, many times before...
They hit the shooting range with live ammunition in order to pass the "Gun Certification" test. LaToya couldn't even hit the target and kept pointing her gun all over the place. Let me put it this way, if Wee-Man hadn't been Wee-Man, he would've had a couple more holes in his head.
But even after all that, LaToya qualified. What? Real high standards. Looks like anyone can get a gun permit in Muncie, Indiana. So if you're legally retarded, blind, limbless or if you thought you'd never be able to shoot at another human being again, rejoice! They're handing out gun permits like candy on Halloween.
Word of advice? If you're ever passing through Muncie, wear a bulletproof vest and a nice thick helmet. And beware of stray Jackson's bearing firearms.
Shiver.
REVIEW
Horrible. Just horrible. It was like watching Cops but not nearly as entertaining. Again, the casting is the problem - this is a major network show and they couldn't even get "Surreal LIfe" talent? Shameful. Other than the joy of watching a midget take down a crack whore, do you really care what happens to these losers?
SCORE: 3 out of 10. Blech.
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I Love New York
New York was a contestant on the Flava of Love and was rejected by Flav TWICE. Like her namesake she's dirty, has a sinkhole downtown, and traffic in and out of the Lincoln Tunnel is a mess. VH1 gave New York her own reality TV show. Think ABC's "Bachelorette" but starring Divine Brown.
Hey, Cracker!
VH1 found the perfect white boy stereotype - blond hair, blue eyes, no STDs... This guy won't be around for long. To prove he wasn't a racist, he told New York "I had a good friend that was a black boy growing up."
In other words "I used to wave at the town black when I was young and didn't know better." Way to go, Cracker! Somewhere out there, Fuzzy Zeller is giving you a big thumbs-up.
Here are some other things to say if anyone calls you a racist:
a) "I've got a Mexican friend that I pay to blow the leaves off my lawn."
b) "I've got an asian friend that irons my shirts."
c) "I use the same bathrooms and drinking fountains as you people now."
Later, Cracker decided to cut in on New York while she was talking to a black guy named "Chance." Cracker picked the wrong guy to piss off and nearly got himself shanked.
New York described Chance like this: "He's not a fake thug. He's dangerous. He wears baggy clothes. And he drinks a lot. I like that." What a shock.
As a surprise her mother came on the show to help New York make decisions. My mother would've put some clothes on me and drove me home. But my mother isn't a whore, and that's why I'm not on VH1 right now.
Rico gave her a spanish nickname which equated to "Little Black Girl." Guess what? New York got offended. He couldn't figure out why she was so upset since "Little Black Girl" is a term of endearment in spanish. Yeah, I can't figure it out either. By the way, Rico was given his own pet name back home - "Little latino dumbass"
Chance and New York's mother fought with each other all night. This ended with her mother ordering New York to get rid of him at the next Elimination Ceremony. Of course, he's New York's favorite. Duh, mom. Like you didn't see THAT one coming.
In the end, New York kept Chance around, refusing to eliminate him. Her mother looked PISSED - setting up next week's episode where she gnaws off Chance's arm and beats him to death with it.
REVIEW
Half the suitors were obvious plants meant to exploit easy stereotypes. While some were funny, this episode just didn't work. Will I continue to watch it anyway? Oh, hell yeah.
SCORE: 7 out of 10. Much potential. Gotta love New York.