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Friday, November 17, 2006

Exploiting Logic Deprivation - Survivor and the Amazing Race Recaps

Step right up. Grab yourself a plate of cow lips and a soda. Here's your chance to get up-to-date on Survivor and the Amazing Race. Crazy Asian Guy will finally reveal the answers to all those nagging questions: Who is Tango Roa? Why is the shaman lady handing out credit card applications? And, of course the most burning question of all: Can the human brain truly survive years of inactivity? Or does it turn to mush - like a bowl of mashed potatoes - leaving the host mumbling incoherently in a ditch while a casting director from a hit reality TV show salivates and begs him to sign a contract. All this will be revealed and more. Read on, my friends.

Survivor - Lovable or Certifiable? You Decide.
Now that the racial element is over, the bloom is off the rose. But there's still plenty to talk about...

Cao Boi - The "extra" member
Cao Boi is like that dude you always see at the bus stop. He's the guy that's rocking back and forth, mumbling. If you say "Hello" to him, you know you're in for a very lengthy, confusing conversation. But if you don't say "Hello", he might jump up and kill you. Examples? Here you go:

Cao Boi became unusually attached to the Immunity Idol and wanted to carry it everywhere. He told the tribe "I would bring it with us at all times. I believe that Tango Roa is the ocean god of fertility and he came to us in the form of the Immunity Idol. He's our extra member."
Someone tried to argue, but it was like arguing with a ham sandwich. "If we bring the idol with us, won't that be like waving it in the other team's face?" In other words: HELLO, idiot. It's not appropriate.
His response: "I don't see it that way." Then he turned into a rabid monkey and ran into the woods.
Cao Boi quickly crossed the line between "Lovable Retard" and "Awkward Psycho." While sitting in his tent, he told another tribe member "I had a dream that these poeople were coming into the village and they were kidnapping people and they had this rope that made them invisible to others. So I couldn't defeat them." Holy shit. Did they find this guy under a bridge drinking Cascade? He continued: "There was this Shaman lady and she had all these credit card applications. And she asked me if I had an American Express Card. I said 'What do I need it for?' She said 'You need three of that and three of that.' And I thought 'Three of Three! That's how you can defeat the Immunity Idol! Just flush it out!"
Later, the producers discovered a couple half-eaten dead bodies around the camp and several missing cameramen. Was it a bear? Or a homicidal asian with a brain the size of a cumquat. You decide.

Hot Wrestling Challenges
Okay, this challenge was so hot that I had to watch it one-handed. Description: one hot chick holding onto a post while two other chicks tried to peal her off and drag her across the sand. So many cleavage shots; so many hits on the slow-mo TiVo button... .
Uh-oh. Not hot. Not hot. Dear god...not hot. Suddenly the guys were doing the same thing. Not hot. Confusing. But not hot!
For a reward, the tribe received letters from home. My guess is that Ozzy's letter was from his parole officer, wondering where the hell he was.
The white dude, Jonathan, said that he'd like to see all caucasions in the "Final Four". He went on to say that he'd like to see the caucasians have separate bathrooms and drinking fountains. Evidently, that part got cut out.


Amazing Race 10- Sink or Swim
They've raced around the world, shattering all those "American Tourist" stereotypes by being rude, condescending and obnoxious. It's nice to see that we're well represented abroad.

Team Domestic Violence
I foresee some serious 911 calls in this couple's future. Think Ike and Tina Turner without the talent. Examples:
When their car stalled, the boyfriend freaked out and roared. His girlfriend's attempt to calm him was not only futile, but uncomfortable to watch. Fortunately for her, the cameraman was right in his face. So, rather than take the usual troubleshooting steps:
1) Break girlfriend's jaw
2) Finish beer
3) Solve problem
he was forced to use non-violent methods. In other words - unfamiliar territory.
Later, she had trouble reading the map and they got lost. She panicked. Being the chivalrous gentleman, the boyfriend offered his support - by throwing something at her face. She dodged it, then cowered into her seat. When she looked up from the map, her face lit up. The Blonde team was driving right in front of them. She pointed to their car and said "Oh, just follow the blondes." Yeah, that'll help.
They barely missed a train they were supposed to catch, putting them well behind the other competitors. "Damn it!" He yelled, homicidally. The girlfriend patted him on the shoulder and said "We'll get the next one." The boyfriend screamed "Just let me have my moment!" She instinctively flinched. Definitely a learned reaction.
One challenge had them eating a plate of yummy cow lips. The domestically abused girlfriend described the delicacy: "It was disgusting. The hair was still there. There was fat on it and the teeth were still there, too." Funny, that's the same thing I said while watching Bridget Jones's Diary and Cold Mountain.

Team Kentucky White Trash 
The pair learned that they'd have to swim. This caused some heavy anxiety. Both of them stared at the water in the same way they stared at a tube of fluoride toothpaste.
Here's how the couple described their fear:
WIFE - I'm scared. I'm afraid of fish.
HUSBAND - I'm scared of water, too. Cause I was thrown out in the lake by my cousin when I was five. So I've always been a little traumatized.
WIFE - Where we live people do that as a right of passage. You throw your kids in the lake and make them swim.
Jesus. So what happens if the kids don't swim when you toss them in the lake? What if they sink straight to the bottom? Do they become cashiers at Wal-Mart?
Team Kentucky finished in last place twice, but weren't eliminated. Saved by the "Not an Elimination Round" card. I'm sure the producers did that to keep them on the show. Finally, the producers ran out of loopholes and they were officially eliminated. I'll bet CBS was pissed. Now that they're gone, the ratings will plummet.
Of course, CBS could always do a sitcom spinoff. Heck, you might open your TV Guide next fall and see
a) "Kentucky White Trash"
b) "My teeth: Remembering old friends long gone"
c) "Golly, that's a real homosexual!"
The wife reminisced about the show: "Oh well. Maybe Steven Segal will see me and put me in one of his movies." Sure. But, only if you'll work for free.

Team Blonde
They had to buy airline tickets from a cashier. This may sound routine to you, but judging by the way their cute brows furrowed in concentration, it seemed to require Team Blonde to think. While the process of thinking can be dangerous with one blonde, two blondes problem-solving can be catastrophic. Honestly, it was like watching Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton trying to get a door marked "Push" to pull open.
But the best part came when the blondes finally spoke to the cashier:
CASHIER - Your flight will connect in London.
BLONDE - London? What country is that in?
CASHIER - England.
BLONDE - India?
CASHIER - No. England.
BLONDE - You don't know what you're talking about.
One of the blondes said "People look at us and they just assume that things come easy." Duh.
The other said "We know that we probably turn people off." True. Who wouldn't be turned off by two scantily clad blonde big breasted beauty queens? Yuck.
While driving through a crowded city, the blonde rammed right into the back of a bus. Biggest "Oh-come-on!" line of the show = "That's my first accident."
Sure. And cow lips taste like pumpkin pie.
After realizing that they were lost in the city, they pulled over and flirted with a stranger. They asked the stranger to take them to the next objective. He did. I would have taken them to my basement, but they didn't ask me.

Wednesday, November 1, 2006

Drunken Thoughts - McRude

• My family and I just spent a week in Nebraska. My wife is Thai and my daughter is Chinese. That information might not seem relevant when discussing a visit to "America's Heartland", but try this on for size: In the entire week we were there, we only saw two asians. And they were both at the airport.
My wife pulled up to the drive-thru window of a Nebraska McDonalds and ordered lunch. Before she could get too far into the order, a very rude and frazzled cashier came on the speaker and said "We aren't serving lunch for another five minutes."
My wife responded, "Okay. Can I just order it and pull up? I don't mind waiting."
"No. You'll have to come back in five minutes."
So she did. She parked, waited, then pulled back up to the drive-thru speaker.
When she started ordering again, he stopped her. "(Heavy sigh)..Okay, I don't understand. You don't want cheese on the burger?"
"That's correct. No cheese on the burger."
"Okay. Hold on. Arg."
"Is there a problem."
"Sigh. No. Just...Just hold on."
When she finally drove up to the window to retrieve her food, the cashier looked down at her and shook his head.- realization creeping over his pimpled face. He whispered something to his co-worker who laughed. Then he handed her the cheese-less burger.
You know how McDonalds puts stickers on the food containers to indicate any special requests? For salads, they sometimes put "Ranch, Italian, Thousand Island, etc" on the package. For burgers, if you ask for No Cheese you get a sticker that says "No Cheese" on it.
Not this time.
My wife - after making life so difficult for that poor white cashier - stared at the container holding the burger. The container had the word "Asian" on it.

• Is Katie Couric starting to look like Rosie O'Donnell, or is it just me? Lay off the Ho-Hos honey.

• Bob Barker, the host of The Price is Right is retiring after 50 years on TV. The 83 year old will be turned off, decommissioned, and stored in a moth-balled crate next to Dick Clark and Ed McMahon.

•In "News of the Creepy", the women's bathroom just got emancipated. Transgender men are now free to use the Ladies Room at subway stations in New York. Legally they are allowed to use either one. Since this court ruling, there have been at least 813 reported cases of toilet seats being left up in women's restrooms all over New York.

Personally, I'm fine with the decision. Hell, I've decided to keep a wig and a skirt in the trunk of my car just in case the men's room is ever locked.