The Amazing Race 10 - My Gak-Hurt
They've mainly been traveling through Vietnam. Here are some highlights:
Kentucky White Trash
He's a coal miner. She's the Tooth Fairy's regularly scheduled stop. Together they're the comic relief.
She's got one leg. He's got a girly lisp. Together they're...confusing.
He's a competitive prick. She's an insecure brunette. Together they're recurring guest stars on Cops.
Later, he yelled "Left. Left! LEFT!" She broke down and started blubbering. Never one to miss an opportunity, he rushed over with his fist raised, but must have noticed the camera man's ghoulish smile - you know, the same grin the camera man for "Faces of Death" probably got? The boyfriend put his hand down quickly and tried to say something supportive. Something encouraging like "Hurry up."
Token Dumb Blondes
She's a dumb blonde. She's a dumb blonde. Together they make Jessica Simpson look like the President of MENSA.
When they turned around and said "Tee-Hee," they didn't get the expected response. Instead, Team Gay stared at them the same way Rosie O'Donnell stares at a steamed vegetable - utter contempt.
The Gay Guys
He's gay. He's gay. Together they're gay squared.
Survivor - The Amazing Racists
For the past few weeks they've been transitioning into two tribes - no longer separated by race. Highlights.
The Ballad of Billy, the fat Mexican
Billy the Fat Mexican slept while everyone worked. Of course, he ate all the tribe's food. "I've been conserving my energy." He said while working hard on a fish sandwich. I guess he's conserving his energy for the trip home.
His snoring kept the whole tribe awake. For the first time in Survivor history, the tribe planned to intentionally lose an immunity challenge in order to get Fat Billy off the show. It was unprecedented.
When the challenge began, the tribe totally dragged ass. You'd think Billy would become suspicious or figure out that they were trying to lose. Suspicious? No. Hungry? Yes.
The funniest part was that even while they loafed through the challenge as slowly as possible, one of the other tribes was moving even slower. They almost needed to fake a major injury in order to lose the challenge. And by "Fake" I mean by snapping Fat Billy's neck like a twig then yelling "Oh, no. Fat Billy fell down!" But instead, they trucked on.
Honestly, the other team moved so slow it was like watching Ricky Henderson round the bases behind Sid Bream.
At the end of Billy's 15 minutes of fame, he made this last chilling comment: "I'm playing the game. That's what I came here to do. My prize wasn't the million dollars. My prize is that I fell in love in this game. Love at first sight. Her name is Candace (the anorexic white chick). After the last challenge we kind of mouthed the words I love You to each other. So my prize is her."
Later, somebody asked the anorexic blonde about this. She turned red. Apparently, Fat Billy misunderstood what she was mouthing. Maybe she was mouthing "Drop Dead, freak." I can see how someone might mistake that for "I love you." In the end, Billy didn't win a million dollars, but the anorexic blonde did win a personal stalker and a date with a machete. Win win.
Cao Boi, baby
Cao Boi told asian jokes while everyone was trying to sleep. "I have no hangups. I just make fun of it and laugh. Like what do you call a vietnamese with -"
"Shut Up!" Someone interrupted. "If you make jokes based on stereotypes, you're just going to confirm them."
Cao Boi thought about this for a long time. Maybe two seconds...then rattled off even more asian jokes.
Then he switched from jokes to politics. He demonstrated his vast supply of knowledge by saying that every kid in America will be drafted into the military because of Bush. One of the girls tried to argue with him - which is the equivalent of arguing with a turnip - by saying "Maybe they'll go to College instead" Cao Boi contemplated this for less than a second - ample time to weigh an argument and prepare a rebuttal - saying "They'll never be able to go to college. They'll get drafted."
When Cao Boi isn't appearing on Reality TV shows, he can usually be found behind a dumpster, huffing paint and providing brilliant conspiracy theories to passers-by and reality tv show casting directors searching for new talent.
AFTER RACIAL EXPERIMENT ENDED: