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Sunday, October 22, 2006

It's good to be a dad

Though it feels that every day is a test and that she would appreciate my failure much more than a second graham cracker, it's good to be a dad.

There are times that she sits in her high chair, staring at me while I explain to her in gentle tones "Drink your god damned milk!" - tones so gentle they scrape my windpipe. And she smiles and tilts the cup and spills the cow juice all over the table. This upsets me. Though I know nothing makes her happier than to watch me mop up, it's good to be a dad.

She kicks me in the balls and laughs. This I tell you sincerely: There are moments in life - moments when you are grabbing your nuts, sobbing, rolled in the fetal position, balls retracted - that it's NOT good to be a dad. She giggles and climbs on top of you and says "Daddy fall down" while you are willing your balls to get back into position.

Left nut....I beg you...I know we've had our differences. if you'll just get out of my stomach and go back where you belong I swear I'll be better to you. Maybe we can catch a movie on Cinemax after everyone falls asleep. Just please go back where you belong...

And then it does. And then it's good to be a dad.

The girl chases the dog around the house. Tries to step on dog's head. I have to separate human from dog. Human throws tantrum. Not good to be a dad.
Dog barks during football game. Daughter grabs squirt bottle and sprays dog. Dog shuts up. It's good to be a dad.

She forces me to read Fox in Sox until my tongue falls out.
She makes me listen to "My Wish" by Rascal Flats every time we get in the car.
She takes off her soaking wet diaper during naptime and drapes it over her face.
Not good to be a dad.


She laughs at all my jokes.
She asks about me when I'm gone.
She loves me.

And someday - hopefully many years from now - I can tell her boyfriend all these details and embarrass her with old photos. "Want to see what she looked like with a diaper draped over her face, Jimmy?"

Yes, even when I'm taking her boyfriend aside and threatening castration - promising to rip it off with my bare hands and shove it down his throat if he gets it anywhere NEAR my daughter, I'll remember:

It's good to be a dad.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Drunken Thoughts - When Bears Attack

• A Michael Jackson sighting can be fascinating. You never know if you'll find him dangling a baby from a balcony, dancing on top of a Chevy or hitting the local post office dressed as Spiderman. This time, however, he was caught by photographers while shopping in Bahrain - dressed in women's clothes.
For some reason this is big news. This is controversial. Big news? Controversy? So what? Hell, I remember when his boob fell out during the Superbowl Halftime Show a few years ago. THAT was controversy.

• Is it safe to eat spinach again? After the outbreak of E.Coli I'm afraid to eat anything that comes out of the ground. E.Coli laced spinach. What a world. 

Noted spinach aficionado, Popeye the Sailorman, had this to say: "I ain'ts goin' near no poisoned spinach. If Olive's wants to keep Bluto from rapin' her, she better learns to carry a can of mace ands a whistle...(unintelligible mumbling..)"

•So the new fall TV season has started. Here's my Top 5:
1) Lost - Still the best show on TV.
2) Battlestar Galactica - Enough with the Iraq war comparisons. I get it already. Please don't spoil a great show by standing on a soapbox. The last thing I want is for the producers to turn this awesome series into West Wing Galactica.
3) South Park - The Warcraft episode was funny, but in an uncomfortable sort of way. This is exactly how I interact with others while playing the game.
The 9/11 episode = Brilliant. I actually know people that believe 9/11 was a government hoax. This made the episode even funnier.
4) Smith - I know. I know. But I liked it, okay?
5) Friday Night Lights
Conspicuously absent from the list is Heroes. The acting is terrible, and it feels like a sad copy of Lost, but I can't stop watching. I love comic books, and I'm hoping the writing and acting improve. If the producers are reading this, please heed my advice:
a) Get rid of the blonde. I'm not talking about the cheerleader. Get rid of the single mom, Nicky, who keeps blanking out and killing people. The storyline is WEAK. Speed it up it or pull a "Chuck Cunningham" and make her disappear. As viewers, we'll accept it and move on.
b) Take your time! The secret to Lost's success is that they delve into every character while telling a very intricate story. They try to focus on one character per episode. You guys are trying to show too many characters at once and you keep throwing in stupid "Shock" endings. Enough! Just tell a story, flesh out the characters and appeal to viewers that don't have Attention Deficit Disorder.

Jericho may be the worst thing on TV right now. Whenever I watch it, I smell stool burning. How this piece of steaming crap got picked up while Smith got cancelled, I'll never know.

• In Idaho, a black bear picked the wrong family to eat for dinner. During a family BBQ, one of the kids suddenly screamed "Bear! Bear!" as it tore through the fence and attacked.

One of the women grabbed all the kids and threw them into the house as the bear growled and destroyed the screen door. Before the bear could make it into the house, the woman grabbed a gun, fired twice and killed it instantly.
Unfortunately, the bear didn't know that this woman had a valid "Bear Hunting" tag. His mistake was a fatal one. Now, if he'd attacked in San Francisco instead of Idaho, he may have had a better chance. In San Francisco, that tag has a whole other meaning...

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

No, YOU shut up - The Survivor and Amazing Race Recaps

On Survivor, the racial experiment ended after only two episodes - but not the way I expected. Instead of the sand running crimson with the blood of the tribes, they were simply told to end the segregation. Very disappointing. Those that survived the brutal race war were split into two. Those that didn't were placed on pikes and used as team colors. Regardless, it's business as usual on Survivor again. While this may be refreshing to some, I was hoping they'd at least shake it up a bit more - you know, like adding a couple grizzly bears or a random midnight abduction.

The Amazing Race 10 - My Gak-Hurt
They've mainly been traveling through Vietnam. Here are some highlights:

Kentucky White Trash
He's a coal miner. She's the Tooth Fairy's regularly scheduled stop. Together they're the comic relief.

  • Wife: "I've never met an asian person in my life." then she whispered. "Honest to god, we ain't never been around gay people. But I like 'em!" Yep, they clean up real nice, don't they? Ask your husband, he's been around plenty of gay folks. Only in his line of work, they're called "Canaries."

  • His father fought in Vietnam. Cue dramatic music as the husband reflected on this: "Daddy never told us what he did in the war." Right. And he probably had a good reason for it, too. By the way, if you happen to see a toothless olive-skinned dude playing a banjo on a porch in Hanoi, then you'll know you've found your half-brother, Kung Pao Cletus.

  • While watching a street parade, the wife said "Oh wow. It's like one of them things you see on TV!" Sure. And the Vietnamese folks pointing at you are probably saying the same thing.

  • Wife: "I'm a couch potata. I stay on mah couch and watch reality tv all the time." Me too. Sweet reality TV. Thou art the great societal equalizer.

    One-Legged Triathele
    She's got one leg. He's got a girly lisp. Together they're...confusing.

  • Dude summed up their relationship: "It's good having a physical disability. Because we can use it to our advantage." Totally. Stephen Hawking always gets the best parking spots.

  • At one point, her hydraulic leg sprung a leak. I kept waiting for her to say "Oil can...oil can."

  • Size 14 foot entering mouth - The host of Amazing Race asked the one-legged girl "So did you ever think you'd be two legs into the race and be in first place?" OOPS!

    Domestically Violent
    He's a competitive prick. She's an insecure brunette. Together they're recurring guest stars on Cops.

  • The girlfriend: "We've been together for two years. We're trying to decide if we should take our relationship to the next level." Next Level? Are there any levels left? Unless by "Next Level" you mean to start hitting him back, I think you're clawing at that glass ceiling.

  • They had to work together in order to guide a cart across a bumpy terrain. "Stop!" He yelled. Then he yelled at her for not stopping right away. She said "Shut up" he replied. "No, you shut up." Good one!

    Later, he yelled "Left. Left! LEFT!" She broke down and started blubbering. Never one to miss an opportunity, he rushed over with his fist raised, but must have noticed the camera man's ghoulish smile - you know, the same grin the camera man for "Faces of Death" probably got? The boyfriend put his hand down quickly and tried to say something supportive. Something encouraging like "Hurry up."

  • The passive girlfriend said "I think control is a big issue in our relationship." His pet name for her around the house is "Doormat."

    Token Dumb Blondes
    She's a dumb blonde. She's a dumb blonde. Together they make Jessica Simpson look like the President of MENSA.

  • While sneaking around: "We need to make sure and do this conspicuously." Methinks she does not know what this word truly means...

  • All contestants were forced to purchase airline tickets from the same counter. The Blondes did the unthinkable: They cut in line. Usually, they'd get away with it. Maybe by turning around, flashing some boob and saying "Tee-hee. Did I cut in front of you?" Probably works all the time. But not this time. This time they cut in front of Team Gay.

    When they turned around and said "Tee-Hee," they didn't get the expected response. Instead, Team Gay stared at them the same way Rosie O'Donnell stares at a steamed vegetable - utter contempt.

    The Gay Guys
    He's gay. He's gay. Together they're gay squared.

  • While reviewing a map, one of them told the camera: "We need to find the village of Gak-Hurt." Ironically, that's also the name of a porno I watched last night.


    Survivor - The Amazing Racists
    For the past few weeks they've been transitioning into two tribes - no longer separated by race. Highlights.

    The Ballad of Billy, the fat Mexican
    Billy the Fat Mexican slept while everyone worked. Of course, he ate all the tribe's food. "I've been conserving my energy." He said while working hard on a fish sandwich. I guess he's conserving his energy for the trip home.

    His snoring kept the whole tribe awake. For the first time in Survivor history, the tribe planned to intentionally lose an immunity challenge in order to get Fat Billy off the show. It was unprecedented.

    When the challenge began, the tribe totally dragged ass. You'd think Billy would become suspicious or figure out that they were trying to lose. Suspicious? No. Hungry? Yes.

    The funniest part was that even while they loafed through the challenge as slowly as possible, one of the other tribes was moving even slower. They almost needed to fake a major injury in order to lose the challenge. And by "Fake" I mean by snapping Fat Billy's neck like a twig then yelling "Oh, no. Fat Billy fell down!" But instead, they trucked on.

    Honestly, the other team moved so slow it was like watching Ricky Henderson round the bases behind Sid Bream.

    At the end of Billy's 15 minutes of fame, he made this last chilling comment: "I'm playing the game. That's what I came here to do. My prize wasn't the million dollars. My prize is that I fell in love in this game. Love at first sight. Her name is Candace (the anorexic white chick). After the last challenge we kind of mouthed the words I love You to each other. So my prize is her."

    Later, somebody asked the anorexic blonde about this. She turned red. Apparently, Fat Billy misunderstood what she was mouthing. Maybe she was mouthing "Drop Dead, freak." I can see how someone might mistake that for "I love you." In the end, Billy didn't win a million dollars, but the anorexic blonde did win a personal stalker and a date with a machete. Win win.

    Cao Boi, baby
    Cao Boi told asian jokes while everyone was trying to sleep. "I have no hangups. I just make fun of it and laugh. Like what do you call a vietnamese with -"

    "Shut Up!" Someone interrupted. "If you make jokes based on stereotypes, you're just going to confirm them."

    Cao Boi thought about this for a long time. Maybe two seconds...then rattled off even more asian jokes.

    Then he switched from jokes to politics. He demonstrated his vast supply of knowledge by saying that every kid in America will be drafted into the military because of Bush. One of the girls tried to argue with him - which is the equivalent of arguing with a turnip - by saying "Maybe they'll go to College instead" Cao Boi contemplated this for less than a second - ample time to weigh an argument and prepare a rebuttal - saying "They'll never be able to go to college. They'll get drafted."

    When Cao Boi isn't appearing on Reality TV shows, he can usually be found behind a dumpster, huffing paint and providing brilliant conspiracy theories to passers-by and reality tv show casting directors searching for new talent.

  • The black girl asked her new integrated tribemates "How did you feel when you heard you would be segregated by race." White Volleyball champion replied "Whether it's good or bad it makes people think. That's a good thing." Sure. It made me think, alright. It made me think about turning the channel to catch a repeat of Becker.

  • Pavati, the tribal whore, flirted with every guy in camp. One of the guys actually fell for it and told the camera "I can definitely trust her." Right. Just like that waitress at Hooters who smiled at you after serving the Buffalo Wings? Remember how you swore on your broken heart not to fall for it ever again? Shame on you.