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Thursday, September 21, 2006

Survivor: Race War Island and The Amazing Race 10 - Week One

Welcome to Survivor: Cook Island. Twenty people, selected solely for their exploitability, will compete for one million dollars and the chance to set their race back to the 1950s. Watch in the comfort of your racially isolated living room and learn how minorities interact with one another in real-life situations - you know, like being stuck on a deserted island with cameras all over the place. It doesn't get much more real than that. Each contestant has passed our strict casting criteria and has been deemed "Racially Appropriate" by our team of white casting directors. How will the Asian dry-cleaner get along with the Asian karate instructor? How will the militant black guy interact with the hip-hop singer? Find out on Survivor: Cook Island.

Racial Highlight Time!

AFRICAN-AMERICANS - "Represent!"


  • They huddled together on the beach and chanted "Represent!" One of them elaborated on what it means to Represent. "We want to show everybody that yes, black people CAN swim." Gee. That's ambitious.

  • One lady said: "With our group it has nothing to do with race." Two seconds later she was holding a knife and complaining that "This knife couldn't cut cotton."

  • Unable to make fire, the fat dude gave up after committing less than 20 seconds of hard labor. He threw up his hands, walked slowly to the beach, collapsed, and fell asleep. Looked like a retarded seal.


    WHITES - My Friend Flicka

  • Surfer dude: "It doesn't matter to me if the tribes are all white people or...(pause)..or any other type of race." Uh-oh. Interesting pause there.

  • One of the girls said "We were excited about all of our supplies. We scored with two machetes and two slings." Jesus. Can someone remind this chick that the groups are only split by ethnicity? That doesn't mean there'll be a Battle Royale, honey. Stow the blades, but keep them close by in case the ratings dip - especially for sweeps week.

  • Let's look at the white team - Jock, sorority girl, anorexic whore, family man, hippy. Wait, did someone say hippy? Hot damn!

  • The hippy's name is Flicka. Yes, Flicka. Like the meat in your Big Mac. She "Accidentally" released their only source of protein (2 chickens). After the chickens ran off to freedom (who knew a chicken's natural habitat was a tropical island...), she smiled and laughed. Stupid hippy. I hope they eat you instead.

  • Anorexic whore complained that she was cold. Duh. You weigh 35 pounds soaking wet. She seduced the Jock and snuggled up against him. Thank you, Survivor. A Hippy AND a whore. I'm in heaven.


    ASIANS - Bad wind rising

  • Yui says: "I was stunned by the racial divide. I'm concerned it might play into stereotypes." Ya think? Back home, Yui is called "That asian fella."

  • Cao Boi (pronounced Cowboy - not making this up), made three stereotypical jokes in the space of 20 seconds, capped off by a "We fly under the radar. Nobody expects these little people with slanted eyes to see anything or be strong enough to do anything. Or even speak english." Let the self-exploitation begin! Then he complained that he never felt accepted in the asian community. Wonder why.

  • When a teammate got a headache, Cao Boi offered a head massage. The "massage" consisted of clutching the victim's forehead and pushing his eyes back into his skull. "He has Bad Wind" Cao Boi said. Yeah, and now he has "Bad Eyesight" too. Thanks man!

    Then he grabbed the guy's nose and practically pulled it off, leaving a big red mark between his eye brows. Looked like Moe disciplining Curly. Cao Boi said "That's called an Indicator. All the Bad Wind comes out of there." What a douche.

    Later he told the camera "The Asian-Americans don't understand. They weren't born in the old country - where people didn't have antibiotics so they had to figure out other ways to do it." I wasn't born in the old country either, but I'll take a couple Advil over getting my eyes gouged out by a certifiable idiot any day.

    The victim smiled and told Cao Boi "It feels better." Sure it does, moron. Because now your eyes are bleeding. If I had a headache and someone chopped off my leg, guess what? Headache all gone.


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    Amazing Race 10 - Two Muslims, a cheerleader and a one-legged Triathlete walk into a bar...

    Meet the Cast:

    1) Two beauty queens that met at a Miss America competition.

    2) Triathletes - The lady has a prosthetic leg and her boyfriend is the guy that built it for her.

    3) Hot couple from L.A. Bitchy woman with fake boobs paired up with controlling asshole. Beautiful.

    4) Asian Brothers.

    5) Two Muslims from Cleveland

    6) Kentucky White Trash. Coal miner and his wife. Both are in desperate need of a dental magician. They represent the blue-collar worker and the common man. In other word, they're the Comic Relief.

    7) Father/Daughter - Hot chick from Ohio. Man, did this start great! Right away, the father told the interviewer: "It's been a while since we spent quality time together. When I look at her, there's just a teensy bit of disappointment...as a father." Then he started crying. The daughter said, "I'm gay. I came out of the closet after college." Pause..then the dad bawled uncontrollably.

    8) Indian couple -Too normal. Won't last an episode.

    9) Cheerleaders from South Carolina - "You could put us both in a cardboard box, and we'd still find a way to have fun." Not if I saw off your limbs first and keep you in a box in my garage. Oops, better edit that one out...Then she offered this gem: "I could have a conversation with a door knob." Considering you'll be spending most of the show with the other cheerleader, you'd better mean that.

    10) Two recovering drug addicts - they met in recovery and model for magazines. We get to watch them play an intimate, shirtless game of basketball. Nice. Trading one addiction for another, eh?

    11) Two black single mothers.

    12) Flamboyantly gay couple - Tom and Terry.


  • The host told them all "There will be surprises in this race you never expected." Um, we're on Amazing Race 10 now. Unless you're planning to randomly murder contestants, I think I've seen it all.

  • After learning they were traveling to China, one of the black women said "Remember what I told you about people like us from Alabama going to China? They like us 'cause of the movie Forrest Gump." Better hope they haven't seen Rush Hour 2...

  • Kentucky White Trash wife: "Where we come from, the man makes all the decisions. He just needs to see that on this race, we's gonna be 50/50." If you're talking about making 50 percent of the decisions, then you're out of luck. However, if you're talking about your teeth...

  • Quote of the night: One cheerleader asked "Do Muslims believe in Buddha?" The other replied "I don't know."

  • Asian Brothers talking about China - "It's a lot like Korea. Just more Chinese characters."

  • Dumb blonde said "We look like such tourists. Everybody's checking us out." Yeah, that's the only reason anyone would stare at a hot blonde with big breasts in China.

  • So cruel. They made the one-legged girl scale a brick wall. While she hung from the ropes, the ghouls behind the cameras zoomed in. You could just hear them salivating. The "Boyfriend" yelled at her encouragingly. "You can do it, baby!" Dude sounded gayer than Lance Bass "bobbing for apples" in a bath house.

  • Kentucky White Trash - She hugged the host, who asked "Um, why don't you hug your husband.?" The husband said "Oh, that's okay. She hugs everybody." I'll bet she does.
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