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Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Drunken Thoughts - John Karr or John Mark Karr?

  • Ten years after a little girl was murdered, justice has finally come to Colorado. Good work, Boulder police! This is a tragic story. Allow me to exploit it:

    a) Who the hell names their kid JonBenet? Yes, I understand that her mother's name was Patsy. But come on..JonBenet? No wonder the parents were the prime suspects.

    b) The killer's name was John Karr a week ago. Now, for some reason, his name is John Mark Karr. Did he have it legally changed or something? I've noticed this trend with other "misunderstood" humanitarians - people like John Lee Malvo and Lee Harvey Oswald. If you ever open the newspaper and see Jason Beautrice Beymer, you'll know that I finally went on that cross-country killing spree I've always dreamed of.

    c) Congratulations to the Boulder, CO police department on the collar! Ten years later, the guy that people saw hanging out with JonBenet and the family, had the criminal record, kept getting fired from his teaching gigs for fondling students, wrote the ransom note, posted on a website for kids and tried to have a sex change operation was caught in Bankok, the child prostitution capital of the world after CONFESSING. Once again, props to that crack team of investigators in Boulder.

    d) If you ever feel like murdering someone, take a vacation to Boulder, CO. In fact, I suspect the murder rate per capita is going to rise considerably. People will start driving to Boulder just to dump off their dead bodies - in broad daylight. Why not? The only way they're going to catch you is if you confess ten years later.

    e) Even with the confession and all the other evidence, I suspect the Vegas Odds on the Boulder D.A. getting a conviction are the same odds of the 49ers ever winning another superbowl. It's like the end of a bad Perry Mason where the killer confesses in open court - only Perry shrugs his shoulders and tells the judge "I guess we'll never find out who did it."

  • Nothing says "Family Fun!" like a Polygamy Rally! The event was held last week in a most unlikely setting: Salt Lake City, Utah. One of the children at the rally made her position perfectly clear: "We are not brainwashed, mistreated, neglected, malnourished, illiterate, defective or dysfunctional." Nope, but I bet your 25 mommies are.

  • A judge who used a Penis-Pump under his robe in open court has been given a 4-year prison sentence. He was caught pounding his gavel when someone in the room heard the unmistakable sound of suction coming from the bench. Here's a previously unreleased transcript from one of his court sessions. A Beer and TV exclusive!

    LAWYER - Your honor, we intend to prove that Mr. Jones did not rape and murder that woman.
    JUDGE - Please call your next witness.
    LAWYER - Thank you, your honor. The Defense calls Mr. Jones to the stand. (pause)
    JUDGE - Okay then. Mr. Jones, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?
    MR. JONES - I do, your honor.
    JUDGE - You may proceed.
    LAWYER - Mr. Jones, are you familiar with how the victim's body was discovered.
    Ka-pish, ka-pish, ka-pish
    MR. JONES - Uh, yes. She had been raped -
    Ka-pish, ka-pish, ka-pish
    LAWYER - And murdered, Mr. Jones?
    Ka-pish, ka-pish, ka-pish
    MR. JONES - Yes. But I didn't do it.
    LAWYER - Did you know that semen was discovered on the body?
    Ka-pish, ka-pish, ka-pish
    MR. JONES - No, I wasn't aware of that.
    LAWYER - And that her throat was cut?
    Ka-pish, ka-pish, ka-pish, ka-pish,ka-pish,ka-pish
    LAWYER - Are you okay, your honor?
    JUDGE - Oh, um. Yeah. Um. This court is adjourned for a brief cigarette break. And I need to change my robe.
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