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Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Drunken Thoughts - John Karr or John Mark Karr?

  • Ten years after a little girl was murdered, justice has finally come to Colorado. Good work, Boulder police! This is a tragic story. Allow me to exploit it:

    a) Who the hell names their kid JonBenet? Yes, I understand that her mother's name was Patsy. But come on..JonBenet? No wonder the parents were the prime suspects.

    b) The killer's name was John Karr a week ago. Now, for some reason, his name is John Mark Karr. Did he have it legally changed or something? I've noticed this trend with other "misunderstood" humanitarians - people like John Lee Malvo and Lee Harvey Oswald. If you ever open the newspaper and see Jason Beautrice Beymer, you'll know that I finally went on that cross-country killing spree I've always dreamed of.

    c) Congratulations to the Boulder, CO police department on the collar! Ten years later, the guy that people saw hanging out with JonBenet and the family, had the criminal record, kept getting fired from his teaching gigs for fondling students, wrote the ransom note, posted on a website for kids and tried to have a sex change operation was caught in Bankok, the child prostitution capital of the world after CONFESSING. Once again, props to that crack team of investigators in Boulder.

    d) If you ever feel like murdering someone, take a vacation to Boulder, CO. In fact, I suspect the murder rate per capita is going to rise considerably. People will start driving to Boulder just to dump off their dead bodies - in broad daylight. Why not? The only way they're going to catch you is if you confess ten years later.

    e) Even with the confession and all the other evidence, I suspect the Vegas Odds on the Boulder D.A. getting a conviction are the same odds of the 49ers ever winning another superbowl. It's like the end of a bad Perry Mason where the killer confesses in open court - only Perry shrugs his shoulders and tells the judge "I guess we'll never find out who did it."

  • Nothing says "Family Fun!" like a Polygamy Rally! The event was held last week in a most unlikely setting: Salt Lake City, Utah. One of the children at the rally made her position perfectly clear: "We are not brainwashed, mistreated, neglected, malnourished, illiterate, defective or dysfunctional." Nope, but I bet your 25 mommies are.

  • A judge who used a Penis-Pump under his robe in open court has been given a 4-year prison sentence. He was caught pounding his gavel when someone in the room heard the unmistakable sound of suction coming from the bench. Here's a previously unreleased transcript from one of his court sessions. A Beer and TV exclusive!

    LAWYER - Your honor, we intend to prove that Mr. Jones did not rape and murder that woman.
    JUDGE - Please call your next witness.
    LAWYER - Thank you, your honor. The Defense calls Mr. Jones to the stand. (pause)
    JUDGE - Okay then. Mr. Jones, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?
    MR. JONES - I do, your honor.
    JUDGE - You may proceed.
    LAWYER - Mr. Jones, are you familiar with how the victim's body was discovered.
    Ka-pish, ka-pish, ka-pish
    MR. JONES - Uh, yes. She had been raped -
    Ka-pish, ka-pish, ka-pish
    LAWYER - And murdered, Mr. Jones?
    Ka-pish, ka-pish, ka-pish
    MR. JONES - Yes. But I didn't do it.
    LAWYER - Did you know that semen was discovered on the body?
    Ka-pish, ka-pish, ka-pish
    MR. JONES - No, I wasn't aware of that.
    LAWYER - And that her throat was cut?
    Ka-pish, ka-pish, ka-pish, ka-pish,ka-pish,ka-pish
    LAWYER - Are you okay, your honor?
    JUDGE - Oh, um. Yeah. Um. This court is adjourned for a brief cigarette break. And I need to change my robe.
  • Tuesday, August 1, 2006

    Who Wants to be a Superhero?

    Contestants are given challenges - tests of strength, mental puzzles, socializing with the opposite sex, and trying to keep their Dork Levels in check. The winner receives a role in a Stan Lee movie and comic book.
    Auditions were held in a warehouse. Hundreds of folks itching to become the next great superhero piled inside like cattle to a dairy farm - unbathed and unkempt. Words like Spiderman, Superman and Batman rolled off their tongues repeatedly, while words like Degree, Right Guard and Mitchum were as unfamiliar to them as sunlight. With all the costumes, it looked like a Rave party gone wrong - like someone replaced the Exstacy with crystal meth or low grade Heroin.

    Meet Some Heroes
  • Levity - A 32 year old toy maker with a bad mullet. Levity is a gay superhero. When he said he had a partner, I assumed he meant someone like Robin, Nightwing or Gleep the Monkey. Apparently, he was referring to the kind of "Partner" you have sex with, not the kind you dress up in tight spandex and have adventures with. I think.

  • Rotiart - Looked like Kevin Smith wrapped in aluminum foil.

  • Creature - Token hippy chick. She pretentiously told the camera "I drive a vegetable oil car." How irresponsible is that? If everyone started driving vegetable oil cars, the price of Canola would skyrocket to $50 a barrel. Terrorists would torch all the peanut fields in Georgia. It would be chaos!

  • Major Victory - A DJ from SF. Here's what Major Victory had to say: "I've made a lot of mistakes. I was an exotic dancer, which took a toll on the relationship with my daughter. I wasn't part of her life." Yep. Looks like you're really working hard to restore that father/daughter bond - by leaving her to do a reality show.

  • Iron Enforcer - Vin Diesel with bad acne scars and a water gun taped to his arm. He walked up to Major Victory and said "This gun is the most high-tech weapon to date." Major Victory responded: "Can it caulk a bathroom?"

  • Monkey Woman - Oh yeeaah. Monkey Woman have big monkey breasts. Monkey see, monkey like-ee. Her costume has bananas tied to it. Not sure why, unless she gets lonely at night...

  • Fat Momma - Her real name is Nell Wilson (or Nell Carter. Hard to tell) - She has donuts dangling from her belt. "I want to prove that just because you're fat doesn't mean you can't do the things that other people do. I'm going to rid the world of bullies one donut at a time."
    Sparks flew immediately when Creature said "I'm a little worried about young people seeing donuts as part of loving your body." Shut up and drink your grass juice, dirty hippy.

  • Feedback - 34 year old software engineer - "I quit my job to be on this show." Nice move, slick. Amazing powers of unemployability.

    The First Challenge
    Took place in the middle of the city. All contestants began the challenge in street clothes. When paged, they had to change into their superhero costume as inconspicuously as possible then race to the finish line.

  • Fat Momma - Panting, sweating and breasts bouncing around like two mutated mexican jumping beans. Lady, they said "Street Clothes", not "Street Corner Clothes" - you could at least wear a bra.

  • One guy changed inside a port-a-potty, Monkey Girl climbed a tree.

  • Nitro G changed behind a one foot wall in the middle of the park while everyone watched. He had a big toothy grin and looked like Arnie climbing the tree in What's Eating Gilbert Grape.

  • The hippy did her costume change in a garbage can, or what she likes to call "The Kitchen."


    A little girl stood directly in the path to the finish line, crying for her mommy. Obvious plant. So here's the dilemma: Ignore the little girl and achieve the best time possible? OR stop to help the little girl and risk losing the challenge? Gee, unless your IQ is smaller than your cod piece, I think you'd have to save the child, don't you? Now let's see what choices the heroes made:

    "Mommy, mommy! I can't find my mommy."

  • Feedback and Nitro G- zoomed by. They saw her, ignored her and crossed that finish line in record time.

  • Monkey Woman saw the crying child and raised her spear in the air triumphantly as she crossed the finish line - leaving the girl to be kidnapped by internet pedophiles. Woot Woot!

  • As Iron Enforcer ran by the little girl he said "Absolutely nothing distracted me. I saw the arches and I busted through."

  • And then we have Creature. The Hippy ran right past, grinning like she just scored a pound of weed. Yes, you read that correctly. The hippy, who cares about all living things, didn't stop to help the child. Imagine that. She ran right past her like the little girl was wearing a fur coat and eating meat. I guess if the girl had been yelling out "Government handouts!" instead of "I can't find my mommy!" maybe she would've stopped.

    Surprise, idiots! The challenge wasn't "Who could complete the task the fastest" but "Who stopped to save the little girl." In the end, Stan Lee eliminated Nitro for his glaring powers of stupidity. I still picture him behind the one foot wall, bare ass in the air, waving at all the spectators while he changed into his costume - a confident, yet vacant smile on his face.

    This show has potential. Until next week...Excelsior, mother f@&kers!!!!