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Monday, July 3, 2006

Drunken Thoughts - Next Stop, Inebriationville

  • Have you seen those Coors Light commercials with the Beer Train? They begin with a bunch of sweaty people standing around in the heat looking miserable and sticky. Then, we hear a whistle in the distance - a silver bullet train - and all the hot sticky people crane their necks to see it. As the train comes closer, we hear singing in the distance..

    "People all over the world, join hands..." All of a sudden, the train opens up. Beer cans are everywhere. People are drinking frost brewed beer. Inebriated happiness is all around them. Complete strangers are dry humping in the streets. Little children are shot-gunning 12 ounces of pure Rocky Mountain love. And....and...

    Wait. I've seen three versions of this commercial. Something about them gives me the creeps.

    Commercial Number One - A large group of men and women in business suits and dresses waiting on a commuter train. Where are they going? To work? Home? An AA meeting? Instead of their usual commuter train, the Coors Light Bullet Train rolls down the track and showers them with beer. Now you've got a bunch of drunk commuters in three-piece suits passed out on the train tracks in 100 degree weather. Nice.

    Commercial Number Two - A hot urban neighborhood getting killed by the mid-day sun. Here comes the Beer Train. You can hear the conductor: "Abusive, unemployed fathers, please line up for your 12-packs."

    Commercial Number Three - A construction site. Construction workers handling heavy machinery in blistering heat. What goes best with excessive heat and heavy machinery? Choo-Choo! Here comes the beer train!

  • Ready for the biggest shock of the week? CBS pulled the plug on their prime-time reality show "Tuesday Night Book Club" after only two episodes. Apparently, it was bringing in about 4 million viewers . In contrast, CSI reruns usually bring in over 11 million viewers.

    "Tuesday Night Book Club" may have only brought in 4 million viewers. But compared to the number of people watching World Cup Soccer, that's like the final episodes of MASH and Seinfeld combined.
    Did you know this show even existed? Here's the synopsis - "A reality show that follows the lives of book club members in Scottsdale, Arizona." The only thing less interesting than watching somebody read a book on TV is watching somebody talk about reading a book on TV.

  • NASA was set to launch a shuttle on Saturday. Scrubbed. Sunday? Scrubbed. Monday? Crack discovered in the external tank (no, not the good kind of crack).
    Would you ever go up in one of those things? NASA is actually considering launching it as-is. I know it's just a bunch of government employees' lives at stake, but they're still human aren't they?

    And why are we still launching old technology? Create something new, damn it. Better yet, privatize! The government needs to step in, take away the NASA funding and let Bill Gates, Steve Jobs or Larry Ellison have a crack at it. At least if there was some competition and (I know this word is like Kryptonite to government employees) ACCOUNTABILITY, then maybe we'd see less screws falling off on the launching pad and more shuttles actually getting off the planet.

    Plus it would be cool to watch Bill Gates' fleet of shuttles go to war with Steve Jobs' fleet after they've equipped them with lasers and photon torpedoes. Awesome.

  • Pregnant Britney Spears went naked for the cover of the August issue of Harper's Bizzare -er I mean Harper's Bazaar. Seen it. Didn't Demi already do that? Ironically, the words "487 Best New Ideas" are scrawled over her nakedness. Obviously, this isn't one of the 487.

    My take on the photo? Not hot. She looks like she smells funny. Dirty, but not good dirty. Dark hair. Kind of like the Demi Moore cover, but more like she got the big belly from eating too many moonpies and bonbons than from being inseminated. How do you go from being so freaking hot to so freaking mediocre? Is Federline THAT powerful? And if so, shouldn't he be locked away someplace?
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