Here come the contestants: a bunch of fat, sweaty 400 pound behemoths and two Asians. Have you seen the Asian eaters? Kobayashi, the hot dog eating champion, can't weigh more than one of my legs. And yet, when he starts shoveling down food, he looks like Lance Burton making people disappear. Where does the food go? Supposedly, he's stretched out his stomach so much that it resembles a 13-gallon Hefty bag with no cinch strap. His vital organs were either removed or repositioned to allow the stomach size to increase. I figure his lungs are under his dick, his intestines wrap around his legs and his heart, liver and colon must be hanging out his ass like a bad hemorrhoid.
"And they're off! Kobayashi gets a fast start and downs four hot dogs without even chewing. Bobo Big Butt is on hot dog number five, but needs a time-out for a shot of Insulin...."
Don't get me wrong, I love this competition. I watched it and laughed along with everyone else. Only in a country this wealthy and prosperous can you broadcast Competitive Eating like it was the Superbowl.
My question is, why did he use his head? Why not punch the guy in the chest with his fist? It would have produced the same effect. I don't think these guys use their hands for anything. They're like Daniel Day Lewis from My Left Foot. Dude, it's okay to use your hands once in a while. What do you wipe your ass with? Your hair?
Maybe being a child psychologist will come in handy when she has to explain the facts of life to her son. You know, the birds, the bees, the reason why he'll probably be spending his teenage years in an orphanage.
And how awkward would one of those "When I was your age" speeches be? The kid can't relate to her hatred for indoor plumbing, television and electricity. She can remind him of the good ol' days when she had to squat over a hole in an outhouse with a lit match and a bunch of leaves, but he's not going to care.
Oh well. Just take solace in the fact that he'll probably be changing your diapers by the time you've got him potty trained. I'm sure that will help the bonding process considerably.