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Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Drunken Thoughts - Competitive Eating

  • ESPN had their annual hot dog eating contest on July 4th. Morbid Obesity on parade. At least I had enough pride to keep my excess poundage confined to the sofa. These guys paraded their overflowing flesh all over ESPN like it was a badge of honor. I kept waiting for the hefty congregation behind the velvet ropes to hold up signs reading "Fat Pride", "No fat for oil," and "Nabisco Lied/ People Died."

    Here come the contestants: a bunch of fat, sweaty 400 pound behemoths and two Asians. Have you seen the Asian eaters? Kobayashi, the hot dog eating champion, can't weigh more than one of my legs. And yet, when he starts shoveling down food, he looks like Lance Burton making people disappear. Where does the food go? Supposedly, he's stretched out his stomach so much that it resembles a 13-gallon Hefty bag with no cinch strap. His vital organs were either removed or repositioned to allow the stomach size to increase. I figure his lungs are under his dick, his intestines wrap around his legs and his heart, liver and colon must be hanging out his ass like a bad hemorrhoid.

    "And they're off! Kobayashi gets a fast start and downs four hot dogs without even chewing. Bobo Big Butt is on hot dog number five, but needs a time-out for a shot of Insulin...."

    Don't get me wrong, I love this competition. I watched it and laughed along with everyone else. Only in a country this wealthy and prosperous can you broadcast Competitive Eating like it was the Superbowl.

  • Just to emphasize the fact that World Cup Soccer is nothing but a punchline to a bad global joke, the French showcased their best player on Sunday. France captain Zinedine Zidane headbutted some Italian in the chest, got ejected and was awarded the World Cup's Best Player Award. If you watch the video, it's like a sucker-punch: Like he mistook the guy's chest for a soccer ball with a clear path to the goal.

    My question is, why did he use his head? Why not punch the guy in the chest with his fist? It would have produced the same effect. I don't think these guys use their hands for anything. They're like Daniel Day Lewis from My Left Foot. Dude, it's okay to use your hands once in a while. What do you wipe your ass with? Your hair?

  • Something you thought you'd never read: There was a Baltimore Raven's stabbing that didn't involve Ray Lewis. This time it was linebacker Roderick Green. He's been in the NFL for three years, but with only one stabbing under his belt, he's still a rook.

  • A 62-year old woman gave birth to a boy in London. Some people might call this irresponsible and selfish. People like me, for instance. Especially since the mother is a child psychologist. A 62 year old child psychologist having a baby.

    Maybe being a child psychologist will come in handy when she has to explain the facts of life to her son. You know, the birds, the bees, the reason why he'll probably be spending his teenage years in an orphanage.

    And how awkward would one of those "When I was your age" speeches be? The kid can't relate to her hatred for indoor plumbing, television and electricity. She can remind him of the good ol' days when she had to squat over a hole in an outhouse with a lit match and a bunch of leaves, but he's not going to care.

    Oh well. Just take solace in the fact that he'll probably be changing your diapers by the time you've got him potty trained. I'm sure that will help the bonding process considerably.

    1. Tom Tuttle from Tacoma, WashingtonAugust 16, 2006 at 8:26 AM

      What? The World Health Organization just released the fact the 400 children die every day due to illness and disease caused by unsafe drinking water. In the U.S. so many people water their lawns or leave the sink running while brushing their teeth. What a waste of clean, treated water. YOU are wasting water that could be put to better use. You overlook this somehow to declare that 15 people wasted some hotdogs on the 4th of July?

    2. What? The World Health Organization doesn't have anything to say about eating 450 hot dogs at one sitting?