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Friday, June 30, 2006

Hell's Kitchen - "Mop Head, Where's my Duck?"

Best reality show ever. I practically wet myself when I heard that Fox okayed a second season. If you aren't familiar with Hell's Kitchen, here's a quick summary: The Casting Director signs a bunch of losers with low self-esteem to cook food for a sadomasochistic chef with a hard-on for losers with low self-esteem. It's one of those "Damn that's funny because it's happening to somebody else" type shows. Here are some highlights from the episodes that have aired so far.


  • One of the contestants spent a considerable amount of time in prison. He learned how to cook there and became a Prison Chef. Is it fair to give him that title? Chef? If I worked in the prison library just to keep Rocko and Peaches away from my ass for a couple hours, does that make me a Librarian? Jeffrey Dahmer was a chef, too - his specialty was cold cuts.

  • Death by Hot Tub - Five hot chicks in bikinis jumped into the jacuzzi. All the "Men" walked away in disgust because they wanted to get a good night's sleep - all but one. Larry, who looks like Beetlejuice in lift shoes, joined the girls in the hot tub.

    Here's what one of the "Men" had to say about that - "Larry wants to jump into the jacuzzi with a bunch of girls? Whatever."
    Whatever? What the hell do you mean Whatever? I'd like to know what you've got going on outside Hell's Kitchen that you can pass on five chicks in a hot tub. And Mr. Prison Chef, I have a feeling that the jacuzzi may have been a lot more inviting ten years ago, before you started your stint in Club Quentin. Now that you're out, its okay to have sex with girls again. Really.

    But then the price was paid. When everyone was asleep, a gasping Larry called 911 on the telephone and got carted away in an ambulance. Hot Tub casualty. He's out for the rest of the show. Five girls to one dude. Those odds may sound hot and inviting, but the average male would have to tap out after three. My man, Larry went for ALL FIVE. He may be lying in a hospital bed hooked to an IV, a dialysis machine and a ventilator, but God Damn! It was worth it. Right Larry? "...k-k-k-kill m-me..." RIGHT!

  • One of the challenges was a "Cooking Relay". Easy rules - Four men need to sequentially cook Tortellini, Chicken and Salmon before time expires. Here's how it went:

    First guy - Made tortellini and threw chicken in the oven - told the next guy to work on the salmon.
    Second guy - Made tortellini - didn't hear the first guy say he'd made the tortellini
    Third guy - Made tortellini - forgot that the second guy already made tortellini
    Fourth guy - Made tortellini. -thought that nobody had started the tortellini

    So what if our male communication skills suck. At least we can make tortellini and burn chicken.

  • One of the idiots said: "I'm not being sexist, but.." This is my favorite lead in. It ranks right up there with "I'm not being racist, but..." and "I'm not being critical, but..." If you still lead with this in 2006, you're an idiot. And I'm not calling you and idiot, but....

    Later, the Italian guy shows off his shiny IQ by telling everyone "I've given up more than anyone here." He's gone through four careers. Four. The guy is 48 years old. He tells the camera "If I don't make it as a chef, I don't know what I'm going to do." Let me give you a recommendation for career number five - Learn to say
    a) "Super size for an extra quarter, maam?"
    b) "Here's a towel to dry your hands with, sir. Don't forget to flush."
    c) "Twenty dollars each. You guys can just drop me off under the bridge when you're finished."

  • Obligatory homesick moment - I'm watching the show and whispering "Wait for it...wait for it..." Suddenly, one of the girls is mopping her teary eyes and dripping snot while croaking "When I wake up in the morning I miss my family so much." Camera zooms in on her tears like a crack addict staring at a 100 pound rock. You can just hear the camera man mouthing "Cry, baby! Cry!!!!"

    Every reality show needs this moment. We need to see the contestants breaking down or missing their children. Here's my thought: "What the hell did you think was going to happen? You knew your family had to stay home." And then when they break down on Day Four, that's the best. Because you know they've snapped and its all downhill from there. And in Hell's Kitchen, downhill means grease fires, third degree burns and the spitting wrath of Chef Gordon Ramsey.

  • Quote of the Night: "I might be an idiot, but I'm a damned good chef." Sure. Or vice-versa.

    Main Course

  • Chef makes the fat guy run up and down the stairs as a waiter. The poor bastard is drenched with sweat, his ass-crack is showing, his pants keep falling down and I keep waiting for his chest to explode all over the staircase. That was cruel. CRUEL. I'm not exactly the model of health and I can feel for this slob. Though, I would never go on a reality show because I know they'd exploit my rotundness. For whatever reason, this guy decided to risk it...hmm.... Guess he gets what he deserves.
    So what the hell? "Faster Fatty, Faster!" yeah, that felt good...

  • After Chef tossed out the tortellini Virginia was making, she said "It's not like I manhandled them. I fondled them with care." Honey, I saw your tortellini. You handled them like a squirrel burying nuts. My testicles practically retracted when I saw your "Carefully Fondled Tortellini." Good luck finding a date after this episode airs.

  • One guy was making spagetti and dripping so much sweat into the pot that it looked like a Bisque. Sure, you have to boil the noodles in water, but not man-water.

  • Do you have what it takes to be a contestant on Hell's Kitchen? Then take our quiz:
    You just noticed that the oven is cold halfway through the dinner service. What's the problem:
    a) The oven is defective
    b) You've never been in a kitchen before.
    c) Your ass is on backwards.
    d) The oven is not turned on.

    Here's how the exchange went:
    Contestant - The oven is cold.
    Assistant Chef - You're just noticing this now?
    Contestant - No, I noticed it earlier.
    Assistant Chef - Dude, you don't have the f@#king gas on stupid!

  • There were so many contestants burning themselves, that I had to remind myself I was watching a reality show and not Backdraft on Cinemax. So many people burned. So much tragedy. So many plates of food with burnt human flesh being served to customers...


    Great Chef Gordon Ramsey Lines:
    a) To the women: "I suggest you buy a restaurant and put one table in there. Any more tables, and you'll be fucked."
    b) "Mop head, where's my duck?"
    c) "Tom, you're sweating in the fucking food."
    d) To the women: "Fuck the lot of you. Is that clear?"
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