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Monday, June 26, 2006

Drunken Thoughts - Who wears short shorts?

  • With all the hype surrounding the World Cup, you'd think every other sporting event had been cancelled. ESPN is always broadcasting soccer coverage, either live or in highlights. Hell, I'm watching it right now on my HDTV. Let me describe to you what I'm seeing - a bunch of mullet heads running around on grass in bright yellow jerseys and short shorts.

    Who wears short shorts? Apparently grown Ukrainian men with no real sport to call their own. Granted, the shorts aren't "Technically" short shorts - they're long enough to cover the knees. But when one of these assholes falls on the ground, the camera provides the audience with a crystal clear shot of two mini-soccer balls thanks to the miracle of HDTV. If I can see your Ukrainian Raisins, then your shorts are way too short. Period.

    As I watch this "Sporting Event", my only thought is "These people are grown men..." I stopped playing soccer when I was twelve years old. Most people do. You quit Boy Scouts when you hit puberty, you quit Marching Band when you graduate from high school and - god damn it - you quit soccer when you outgrow your cleats and shin pads.

    One more thing about soccer and I'll move on - I sucked at soccer. In order to make me care about the stupid game, my parents would bargain with me - "If you give 100 percent today, we'll take you to McDonald's after the game." Inevitably, I'd go out on the soccer field, suck and then demand to go to McDonald's anyway.

    These guys care way too much - they cry when they score and they cry when they don't. Some Ukrainian prick bounces a ball off his empty head, misses the goal and then falls to the ground in tears. Unless you're the Iraqi team from a few years ago and Uday and Qusay are waiting to cut your dick off if you lose, get over it. It's a kid's game. It's not Football, Baseball or Basketball. Soccer only matters outside the USA. Which means that it falls under the same "Who cares?" category as Cricket, Rugby, and the Tour de France. In about two years, you can add Hockey to that list as well.

  • In movies, Waist Deep opened in theaters. Before you plunk down your eight bucks on a movie ticket, let's look at the main warning sign here: It's called Waist Deep. The producers knew it would suck.
    DON'T expect to see reviews like "I was waist deep in fun!" or "I'm waist deep in love!"
    DO expect to see reviews like "Oh, I was waist deep, alright. And I was standing on my head."

  • In Florida, a man was accused of having anal sex with his puppy. When the man was caught in the act, he told police "It's my dog" and "What's the problem?"

    Hmm, all this time I thought I was being cruel by not walking my dog enough. I keep reading this story out loud to her. I'm hoping she'll understand what a lucky dog she is. So far, her only response has been to curl up and lick her private parts. Can't tell if the story is turning her on, or if she's just trying to make me jealous.

  • This week there were three unrelated bear stories:
    1) A woman in Canada found a bear eating oatmeal in her kitchen. The bear finished his breakfast and left the house peacefully.
    2) A woman in New Jersey found a bear sleeping in her hammock in the backyard. He fell asleep and then the hammock flipped over and he fell out.
    3) In Maine, a 500-pound bear and three cubs hung out in someone's backyard.

    In all three cases, investigators concluded that the intruders were indeed bears and not Dom DeLuise as originally theorized.

    Just a reminder in case you've forgotten:
    Warning Signs of the Apocalypse:
    a) Famine
    b) Plague
    c) Pestilence
    d) Three separate reports of men getting stuck in chimneys.
    e) Three separate reports of bears hanging out in residential areas.
    f) More people in the USA watch "Miss Congeniality 2" on HBO than watch the U.S. Soccer team play in the World Cup.
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