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Monday, June 12, 2006

Drunken Thoughts - Addictions

  • An Addiction Center was opened in Europe to provide help for video game addicts - those of us that function poorly in society because we spend our days fighting warlocks and aliens. The clinic is located in Amsterdam, and some children have already been treated and released. The Amsterdam treatment involves swapping a bad addiction for a less harmful one - like trading video games for pot and hookers.

    Warning signs that you're addicted:

    a) You watch the nightly news and see footage of a fatal car accident. Dead bodies are everywhere and you think "That's awful." You turn on the x-box to play Grand Theft Auto, crash your car into a wall and throw the controller at the TV while yelling "NOOO! Son of a bitch!!" then start crying.

    b) Your wife left you two years ago because you spend all day playing Warcraft. You just now realized that she's gone because you paused the video game to go grab some Cheetos.

    c) You open the bag of Cheetos and unpause the game.

    d) You're playing Halo and suddenly have a heart attack. Though your left arm has gone completely numb, you feel there's still enough time to finish the level one-handed and make it to the phone to dial 911. Your character dies before getting to the end of the level. You start over. The landlord finds your corpse three weeks later when the rent is due. He looks at the TV and notices that you beat the level. There's a big smile on your face. Nice work, dude!

    e) Your wife accidentally deletes the saved game you'd been playing for over 100 hours. While she laughs "Tee-hee. Sorry hon.", you have the opportunity to reflect on those lost 100+ hours and all the experiences you missed - join Red Cross and fly to a third-world country to help save some lives, build a block of houses for Habitat for Humanity, bathe - and then you shrug, settle in and start the game all over again.

  • In the city of Hell, Michigan folks converged to celebrate June 6, 2006 (6-6-06).
    Celebrating the end of the world in a place called Hell is a fun novelty to a lot of people. I visited Hell, Michigan once. It was still called Detroit back then.

  • At a school in Tampa, Florida, two children observed their teachers having sex in one of the classrooms. Instead of capitalizing on the opportunity - blackmailing, videotaping or posting pics up on Myspace - the students (cough) told their mommies. But all is right with the world now: The teachers resigned, the classroom has been sanitized, and the two kids that squealed have been beaten up by every adolescent boy in school.

  • In the MLB, Arizona Diamondback's pitcher Jason Grimsley confessed to the Feds that he used performance-enhancing drugs. As a team, the Diamondbacks have been struggling ever since Grimsley started pouring his heart out. No kidding. I'm sure they're all a little distracted right now - especially if Grimsley starts naming names.
    Let me put it this way, my dog has seen me do a lot of things in private that I'm not proud of. If I wake up tomorrow and find out the dog can talk, I might get a little "Distracted" myself.

  • The meteoric mass increase of Albert Pujols continues. The Cardinal's slugger has been jacking balls out of the yard almost in direct correlation to the rate of his body growth.
    And now...
    He strained a muscle on his right side. Some people (ME!) think he might be taking performance enhancing drugs (ME!) and that he might be cheating (Might?). When your muscles grow so quickly that your tendons can't support them, bad things happen. If the Incredible Hulk was real, the first time he turned into the big green monster all of his tendons would pop and he'd collapse in a pool of lime jello. But not before his hat size increased, he developed back acne and was given his own TV show on ESPN called "Hulk on Hulk."

  • In Hockey news, the...wait. I got nothing. Apparently, they're still playing hockey. I guess there are two teams left, battling it out for that big silver piss cup. Quick, I think there's actually a game on tonight. It may be on RIGHT now while you're laboring through this stupid column. Tell me who's playing. Exactly. A bunch of toothless Canadian assholes on ice skates. Hockey may be more exciting than soccer - but trying to guess the length of my dog's stool is more exciting than soccer.
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