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Friday, June 30, 2006

Hell's Kitchen - "Mop Head, Where's my Duck?"

Best reality show ever. I practically wet myself when I heard that Fox okayed a second season. If you aren't familiar with Hell's Kitchen, here's a quick summary: The Casting Director signs a bunch of losers with low self-esteem to cook food for a sadomasochistic chef with a hard-on for losers with low self-esteem. It's one of those "Damn that's funny because it's happening to somebody else" type shows. Here are some highlights from the episodes that have aired so far.


  • One of the contestants spent a considerable amount of time in prison. He learned how to cook there and became a Prison Chef. Is it fair to give him that title? Chef? If I worked in the prison library just to keep Rocko and Peaches away from my ass for a couple hours, does that make me a Librarian? Jeffrey Dahmer was a chef, too - his specialty was cold cuts.

  • Death by Hot Tub - Five hot chicks in bikinis jumped into the jacuzzi. All the "Men" walked away in disgust because they wanted to get a good night's sleep - all but one. Larry, who looks like Beetlejuice in lift shoes, joined the girls in the hot tub.

    Here's what one of the "Men" had to say about that - "Larry wants to jump into the jacuzzi with a bunch of girls? Whatever."
    Whatever? What the hell do you mean Whatever? I'd like to know what you've got going on outside Hell's Kitchen that you can pass on five chicks in a hot tub. And Mr. Prison Chef, I have a feeling that the jacuzzi may have been a lot more inviting ten years ago, before you started your stint in Club Quentin. Now that you're out, its okay to have sex with girls again. Really.

    But then the price was paid. When everyone was asleep, a gasping Larry called 911 on the telephone and got carted away in an ambulance. Hot Tub casualty. He's out for the rest of the show. Five girls to one dude. Those odds may sound hot and inviting, but the average male would have to tap out after three. My man, Larry went for ALL FIVE. He may be lying in a hospital bed hooked to an IV, a dialysis machine and a ventilator, but God Damn! It was worth it. Right Larry? "...k-k-k-kill m-me..." RIGHT!

  • One of the challenges was a "Cooking Relay". Easy rules - Four men need to sequentially cook Tortellini, Chicken and Salmon before time expires. Here's how it went:

    First guy - Made tortellini and threw chicken in the oven - told the next guy to work on the salmon.
    Second guy - Made tortellini - didn't hear the first guy say he'd made the tortellini
    Third guy - Made tortellini - forgot that the second guy already made tortellini
    Fourth guy - Made tortellini. -thought that nobody had started the tortellini

    So what if our male communication skills suck. At least we can make tortellini and burn chicken.

  • One of the idiots said: "I'm not being sexist, but.." This is my favorite lead in. It ranks right up there with "I'm not being racist, but..." and "I'm not being critical, but..." If you still lead with this in 2006, you're an idiot. And I'm not calling you and idiot, but....

    Later, the Italian guy shows off his shiny IQ by telling everyone "I've given up more than anyone here." He's gone through four careers. Four. The guy is 48 years old. He tells the camera "If I don't make it as a chef, I don't know what I'm going to do." Let me give you a recommendation for career number five - Learn to say
    a) "Super size for an extra quarter, maam?"
    b) "Here's a towel to dry your hands with, sir. Don't forget to flush."
    c) "Twenty dollars each. You guys can just drop me off under the bridge when you're finished."

  • Obligatory homesick moment - I'm watching the show and whispering "Wait for it...wait for it..." Suddenly, one of the girls is mopping her teary eyes and dripping snot while croaking "When I wake up in the morning I miss my family so much." Camera zooms in on her tears like a crack addict staring at a 100 pound rock. You can just hear the camera man mouthing "Cry, baby! Cry!!!!"

    Every reality show needs this moment. We need to see the contestants breaking down or missing their children. Here's my thought: "What the hell did you think was going to happen? You knew your family had to stay home." And then when they break down on Day Four, that's the best. Because you know they've snapped and its all downhill from there. And in Hell's Kitchen, downhill means grease fires, third degree burns and the spitting wrath of Chef Gordon Ramsey.

  • Quote of the Night: "I might be an idiot, but I'm a damned good chef." Sure. Or vice-versa.

    Main Course

  • Chef makes the fat guy run up and down the stairs as a waiter. The poor bastard is drenched with sweat, his ass-crack is showing, his pants keep falling down and I keep waiting for his chest to explode all over the staircase. That was cruel. CRUEL. I'm not exactly the model of health and I can feel for this slob. Though, I would never go on a reality show because I know they'd exploit my rotundness. For whatever reason, this guy decided to risk it...hmm.... Guess he gets what he deserves.
    So what the hell? "Faster Fatty, Faster!" yeah, that felt good...

  • After Chef tossed out the tortellini Virginia was making, she said "It's not like I manhandled them. I fondled them with care." Honey, I saw your tortellini. You handled them like a squirrel burying nuts. My testicles practically retracted when I saw your "Carefully Fondled Tortellini." Good luck finding a date after this episode airs.

  • One guy was making spagetti and dripping so much sweat into the pot that it looked like a Bisque. Sure, you have to boil the noodles in water, but not man-water.

  • Do you have what it takes to be a contestant on Hell's Kitchen? Then take our quiz:
    You just noticed that the oven is cold halfway through the dinner service. What's the problem:
    a) The oven is defective
    b) You've never been in a kitchen before.
    c) Your ass is on backwards.
    d) The oven is not turned on.

    Here's how the exchange went:
    Contestant - The oven is cold.
    Assistant Chef - You're just noticing this now?
    Contestant - No, I noticed it earlier.
    Assistant Chef - Dude, you don't have the f@#king gas on stupid!

  • There were so many contestants burning themselves, that I had to remind myself I was watching a reality show and not Backdraft on Cinemax. So many people burned. So much tragedy. So many plates of food with burnt human flesh being served to customers...


    Great Chef Gordon Ramsey Lines:
    a) To the women: "I suggest you buy a restaurant and put one table in there. Any more tables, and you'll be fucked."
    b) "Mop head, where's my duck?"
    c) "Tom, you're sweating in the fucking food."
    d) To the women: "Fuck the lot of you. Is that clear?"
  • Monday, June 26, 2006

    Drunken Thoughts - Who wears short shorts?

  • With all the hype surrounding the World Cup, you'd think every other sporting event had been cancelled. ESPN is always broadcasting soccer coverage, either live or in highlights. Hell, I'm watching it right now on my HDTV. Let me describe to you what I'm seeing - a bunch of mullet heads running around on grass in bright yellow jerseys and short shorts.

    Who wears short shorts? Apparently grown Ukrainian men with no real sport to call their own. Granted, the shorts aren't "Technically" short shorts - they're long enough to cover the knees. But when one of these assholes falls on the ground, the camera provides the audience with a crystal clear shot of two mini-soccer balls thanks to the miracle of HDTV. If I can see your Ukrainian Raisins, then your shorts are way too short. Period.

    As I watch this "Sporting Event", my only thought is "These people are grown men..." I stopped playing soccer when I was twelve years old. Most people do. You quit Boy Scouts when you hit puberty, you quit Marching Band when you graduate from high school and - god damn it - you quit soccer when you outgrow your cleats and shin pads.

    One more thing about soccer and I'll move on - I sucked at soccer. In order to make me care about the stupid game, my parents would bargain with me - "If you give 100 percent today, we'll take you to McDonald's after the game." Inevitably, I'd go out on the soccer field, suck and then demand to go to McDonald's anyway.

    These guys care way too much - they cry when they score and they cry when they don't. Some Ukrainian prick bounces a ball off his empty head, misses the goal and then falls to the ground in tears. Unless you're the Iraqi team from a few years ago and Uday and Qusay are waiting to cut your dick off if you lose, get over it. It's a kid's game. It's not Football, Baseball or Basketball. Soccer only matters outside the USA. Which means that it falls under the same "Who cares?" category as Cricket, Rugby, and the Tour de France. In about two years, you can add Hockey to that list as well.

  • In movies, Waist Deep opened in theaters. Before you plunk down your eight bucks on a movie ticket, let's look at the main warning sign here: It's called Waist Deep. The producers knew it would suck.
    DON'T expect to see reviews like "I was waist deep in fun!" or "I'm waist deep in love!"
    DO expect to see reviews like "Oh, I was waist deep, alright. And I was standing on my head."

  • In Florida, a man was accused of having anal sex with his puppy. When the man was caught in the act, he told police "It's my dog" and "What's the problem?"

    Hmm, all this time I thought I was being cruel by not walking my dog enough. I keep reading this story out loud to her. I'm hoping she'll understand what a lucky dog she is. So far, her only response has been to curl up and lick her private parts. Can't tell if the story is turning her on, or if she's just trying to make me jealous.

  • This week there were three unrelated bear stories:
    1) A woman in Canada found a bear eating oatmeal in her kitchen. The bear finished his breakfast and left the house peacefully.
    2) A woman in New Jersey found a bear sleeping in her hammock in the backyard. He fell asleep and then the hammock flipped over and he fell out.
    3) In Maine, a 500-pound bear and three cubs hung out in someone's backyard.

    In all three cases, investigators concluded that the intruders were indeed bears and not Dom DeLuise as originally theorized.

    Just a reminder in case you've forgotten:
    Warning Signs of the Apocalypse:
    a) Famine
    b) Plague
    c) Pestilence
    d) Three separate reports of men getting stuck in chimneys.
    e) Three separate reports of bears hanging out in residential areas.
    f) More people in the USA watch "Miss Congeniality 2" on HBO than watch the U.S. Soccer team play in the World Cup.
  • Monday, June 12, 2006

    Drunken Thoughts - Addictions

  • An Addiction Center was opened in Europe to provide help for video game addicts - those of us that function poorly in society because we spend our days fighting warlocks and aliens. The clinic is located in Amsterdam, and some children have already been treated and released. The Amsterdam treatment involves swapping a bad addiction for a less harmful one - like trading video games for pot and hookers.

    Warning signs that you're addicted:

    a) You watch the nightly news and see footage of a fatal car accident. Dead bodies are everywhere and you think "That's awful." You turn on the x-box to play Grand Theft Auto, crash your car into a wall and throw the controller at the TV while yelling "NOOO! Son of a bitch!!" then start crying.

    b) Your wife left you two years ago because you spend all day playing Warcraft. You just now realized that she's gone because you paused the video game to go grab some Cheetos.

    c) You open the bag of Cheetos and unpause the game.

    d) You're playing Halo and suddenly have a heart attack. Though your left arm has gone completely numb, you feel there's still enough time to finish the level one-handed and make it to the phone to dial 911. Your character dies before getting to the end of the level. You start over. The landlord finds your corpse three weeks later when the rent is due. He looks at the TV and notices that you beat the level. There's a big smile on your face. Nice work, dude!

    e) Your wife accidentally deletes the saved game you'd been playing for over 100 hours. While she laughs "Tee-hee. Sorry hon.", you have the opportunity to reflect on those lost 100+ hours and all the experiences you missed - join Red Cross and fly to a third-world country to help save some lives, build a block of houses for Habitat for Humanity, bathe - and then you shrug, settle in and start the game all over again.

  • In the city of Hell, Michigan folks converged to celebrate June 6, 2006 (6-6-06).
    Celebrating the end of the world in a place called Hell is a fun novelty to a lot of people. I visited Hell, Michigan once. It was still called Detroit back then.

  • At a school in Tampa, Florida, two children observed their teachers having sex in one of the classrooms. Instead of capitalizing on the opportunity - blackmailing, videotaping or posting pics up on Myspace - the students (cough) told their mommies. But all is right with the world now: The teachers resigned, the classroom has been sanitized, and the two kids that squealed have been beaten up by every adolescent boy in school.

  • In the MLB, Arizona Diamondback's pitcher Jason Grimsley confessed to the Feds that he used performance-enhancing drugs. As a team, the Diamondbacks have been struggling ever since Grimsley started pouring his heart out. No kidding. I'm sure they're all a little distracted right now - especially if Grimsley starts naming names.
    Let me put it this way, my dog has seen me do a lot of things in private that I'm not proud of. If I wake up tomorrow and find out the dog can talk, I might get a little "Distracted" myself.

  • The meteoric mass increase of Albert Pujols continues. The Cardinal's slugger has been jacking balls out of the yard almost in direct correlation to the rate of his body growth.
    And now...
    He strained a muscle on his right side. Some people (ME!) think he might be taking performance enhancing drugs (ME!) and that he might be cheating (Might?). When your muscles grow so quickly that your tendons can't support them, bad things happen. If the Incredible Hulk was real, the first time he turned into the big green monster all of his tendons would pop and he'd collapse in a pool of lime jello. But not before his hat size increased, he developed back acne and was given his own TV show on ESPN called "Hulk on Hulk."

  • In Hockey news, the...wait. I got nothing. Apparently, they're still playing hockey. I guess there are two teams left, battling it out for that big silver piss cup. Quick, I think there's actually a game on tonight. It may be on RIGHT now while you're laboring through this stupid column. Tell me who's playing. Exactly. A bunch of toothless Canadian assholes on ice skates. Hockey may be more exciting than soccer - but trying to guess the length of my dog's stool is more exciting than soccer.
  • Tuesday, June 6, 2006

    "Is she your only child?"

    Some of the best moments in life happen when you aren't around. My wife had one of those "Insensitive Stranger" moments. I have these often. I'm a big white dude toting around an adopted Chinese baby, so I either get the confused stares with no comments or the ballsy folks that just come right up and start in with "Is she yours?" or something equally uncalled for.

    My wife has had less exposure to the dredge of society because she is also asian. I'm the only white person in this family and have become a Dredge Magnet. She still gets people coming up to her in public, but because of her ethnicity they don't usually start with "Is she yours?" Occasionally, they begin like this:

    "Is she your only child?"

    Last week my wife went to the Allergist's office for her weekly shots. My wife is allergic to everything - pollen, cigarettes, dust, sex - and the shots help keep those allergies in check. On this particular day, she brought our two-year old daughter with her.

    "We'll be right with you. Please take a seat." said the receptionist in the waiting room.

    My wife sat down. Ellie, our daughter, climbed onto the chair next to her and they waited for their names to be called.

    A woman in her mid-40s, who happened to be sitting next to them, asked "Is she your only child?"

    Note - I asked for a better description of the woman so that I could relay that info to you, the reader. The fact that my wife only told me "she was white and in her mid-40s" probably means she was hot. But I guess that's not relevant to the story. Unless you're cooped up in your house all day and never get to see any other women besides your wife - THEN you may have gotten something out of it.

    "Yes." My wife replied to her question.
    "Are you planning to have another one?" The woman asked.
    "Not at this point."
    "Have you passed 30 yet?"
    "Yes." Wife still being polite. Smile on face. Murder on mind.
    "Have you passed 35 yet?"
    "Yes." Wife's politeness waning. Approaching the "Get-off-the-Couch-Lazy-Husband-and-Take-out-the-Friggin'-Garbage" mark that I've spent our marriage trying to avoid.

    The woman could have ended it right there. But she continued:
    "Well, I had my last child when I was 38. And let me tell you, I worry about not being around for his high school graduation and his wedding. But you know what?" Uh-oh. Here comes some of that sage advice that we are continually seeking from people that don't know us: "You can always adopt next time."