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Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Which one is the Transvestite, and which one is Tawny Kitaen?

Is that pesky bulge in your pants discouraging you from becoming a chick? Are you an unappreciated multi-lingual hippy? Did you just yell "Yes!" to both of these questions? Then read on, mein freund. This pre-op's for you.

The Surreal Life - Meet the Cast

  • Andrea Lowell (Playboy Model) - She only poses nude in "Classy" magazines and describes herself as a "G-Rated nude model" If nudity is Rated G, then I guess sex photos are PG, Anal is PG-13, Snuff Films are R and Morgue Porn is NC-17.

  • Florence Henderson (Mrs. Brady) - She may have been born during the Civil War, but she's still hot. Mrs. Brady approached the Playboy model and said "I have underwear older than you." Hmm. She may have them, but unless Depends counts as underwear, she ain't wearing them.

  • Tawny Kitaen (Danced on top of Whitesnake's car in 80's video) - Definitely a scam. No way this is the same girl from that music video. Her face might have gotten pinned underneath the tire of Whitesnake's car, but she never shook her ass on it.

    During the episode, she had to read a newspaper out loud. This task proved to be quite a challenge because she struggled with every word - unfair words like "Was" and "The." It sounded like Helen Keller saying "Water."

  • Alexis Arquette (Transvestite actress) - Alexis has 2 great quotes:
    1) "Once I realized that Andrea is a Playboy Model, I thought 'Wow, now I've got some competition around here.'" Um, no. Unless the Playboy Model grew a penis, I think you still have the monopoly.
    2) "I'm removing my genitalia. So if anyone wants a last chance at this piece..." Can't you just keep it in a jar next to your bed in case you get lonely?

  • CC DeVille (Guitarist from the rock group "Poison") - If every rose has a thorn, then every Glam Rocker from the 80s spent the 90's in rehab. In fact, he told the group that he came straight to the show from the Rehab Clinic that very morning. God bless VH1. With all the booze in the house, Mama's Fallen Angel should be nothin' but a good time for the rest of the season.

    One of the girls made the comment "I don't mind sharing a bedroom with him. Hanging out with CC is like hanging out with a chick." If by "Chick" you mean someone that would cut your throat in the middle of the night for a gram of coke, then yes.


    The Amazing Race - German Hippies
    One of the hippies practiced his German language skills on a hot blonde Frau. He said "I would like to go dancing with you." in German. The blonde smiled and replied "That's very nice of you." At least, that's what the subtitles claimed she said. I know a little German, and I could have sworn she said "Back under the bridge with you, dirty hippy."
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