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Wednesday, May 10, 2006

"Shut up, dude. We're totally straight."

Swimming hippies on the Amazing Race and hot soap-on-booby action in this week's Survivor. Also, American Inventor debuted and showed viewers what happens when you misinterpret the "American Dream" to mean "Quit my job, live in Mom's basement and pray that someone gives me a million dollars for my sweet 'Ass Cleanser' invention."

Survivor: Exile Island - The First 13 Days
Recap show. Only a few nuggets of joy in this one.

One tribe was so desperate for water that they were literally sucking it off leaves after a torrential downpour. The blonde chick sucked off so many leaves it looked like a Gang Bang. In a weary voice, she said that they were all thirsty and some of them hadn't had water in 4 days. Um, what the hell did you think was falling from the sky when it was raining? Sand?

The producers of the show provided a bar of soap to one of the tribes. The audience was treated to a pair of hot babes lathering each other up in the ocean. Also, a gratuitous scene of the hottest chick rubbing the bar of soap between her large fake boobies. I use the word "Gratuitous" only because of the extra 45 minutes I spent wearing out the Forward and Reverse buttons on my TiVo remote.

Amazing Race - "I fall down the stairs a lot."

1) Southern Couple
The Wife Beater continued to get more frustrated with his woman. Woman not talk back. Woman please man. Mongo smash! Mr. Camera Man better stick to them like Hillbilly Glue. Otherwise, this chick is toast.

For their challenge, they received a note that said "Get ready to take the plunge."
The husband commanded his wife to do the task. She replied, very awkwardly. "But I might have to get naked." The Dumbass looked at her and said "So what?"

So what? Dude, what do you mean "So what?" Here's "What". Do you really want millions of viewers to see those giant bruises on your wife's back? Look, there's a reason I wear long-sleeved shirts and never go swimming in public. I mean...oops. Did I really write that? What I meant to say was that I'm really clumsy. I fall down a lot. And I know my wife loves me - its just that I make her so mad sometimes. Um. Hmm. Okay...Let's just move on, shall we?

2) Team Prostitute meets Team Closet
Looks like the team of hookers have finally found themselves a couple of Johns. Too bad these Johns prefer Richards.

Team Closet, the two "Available" and "Totally Straight" guys, spent some camera time hugging and kissing Team Prostitute. The next morning, instead of rushing to the Free Clinic for some penicillin, they continued the race.

Best "Come-on. If-I-was-really-gay-would-I-do-THIS?" moment:
Team Prostitute and Team Closet met at the bus station. One of the guys said "You look good today. But what's with all those little stickers on your shirt?"
"What stickers?" she asked.
"Here, I'll get it." He leaned in, grabbed her breast and bit it. Smooth.

3) Hippies
One of the smelly Hippies jumped into a pool. I can only imagine how difficult this was for him. Everyone knows that Hippies fear water. Other well known Hippy fears include a) Rational Discourse, b) Soap, c) Personal Accountability and d) Employment.

American Inventor - The password is "Katrina"
First of all, this show is a total American Idol rip-off. And I love it.

One of the "Inventors" showed off a Walk Buddy. This is a magical stick that wards off lions, bears and muggers. Great quote: "The judges told me that this Walk Buddy wouldn't work in New York because there aren't any bears. But there's bears in Alaska." True. I'd much rather have my "Magic Stick" than my "Magic Gun" handy when I get attacked. Much more efficient for fighting back when the bear rips open my belly and drops my intestines into the snow with its "Magic Paws"

Oh sappiness. One guy showed off a giant "Sandbag Shovel." Apparently, he sold his house to pay for the invention. Since the invention cost $20k, I can only guess that he owned a house in my neighborhood. What does the "Sandbag Shovel" do? it picks up sand. No way this one gets approved.

Uh-oh. Someone queued up the sappy music. The inventor's eyes welled up and he sobbed like a child. He mumbled on about how his invention could be used in Natural Disasters for flood relief and sandbagging. Still no dice, guy. Take a walk. Suddenly he muttered the Magic Word:


Time stood still. He used the word "Katrina" several more times in broken sentences. The judges started bawling and gushing about what a disaster Hurricane Katrina was and maybe if they'd had more Sandbag Shovels, things would have been different. Blah, blah blah. Bottom Line: He's in.

Later, someone displayed a "Solar Powered Cooler." Looked like the judges were ready to say No, and then...
"It could have been used during Hurricane Katrina to supply power." Oops. Spoke to soon. We have a winner!

Next time they come to San Francisco for auditions, I'm going to fish a lump of stool out of my toilet and put it in a sandwich bag. I'll present it to the judges, sob quietly, and say "Al Quadia. Nine Eleven. Kosovo. Bird Flu." until they start bawling and declare my "Invention" a winner.

Here is the best America could come up with for the 2 hour season premiere: Edible Snowglobe, Tree Pruner, Exercise Equipment, Shovel and a Cooler. Believe it or not, the Ass Cleanser only lost by one vote.
You'll see me on the show soon with my "Portable Stool in Convenient Sandwich Bag". Wish me luck!Oh, wacky reality TV. Thou art wonderful.
During an interview this week, Donald Trump said, "She does have a very nice figure. I've said if Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her." By the way, Ivanka is Russian for "She who has creepiest father in village."

Survivor: Exile Island - "Mommy, there's a monkey wearing a space suit under my bed."
As a reward, the tribe visited a small fishing village for a "Traditional Island Barbecue." Sadly, when they used the word "Traditional", it didn't imply that they would be thrown into a giant pot by the natives and cooked into a fine stew.

Shane, a smoker that tried to quit "cold-turkey" when the show began, saw one of the villagers smoking a cigarette. Shane had the same look on his face that my dog gets whenever I drop bacon on the floor. He got up and walked toward the villager. In the next scene, Shane was smoking. I'm not sure what kind of deal he made with the villager to get the cigarette, but the fact that he was favoring his knees, sobbing and wearing less clothing might give you some hint.

  • For the Immunity Challenge, the ex-NASA Astronaut needed to put together a puzzle. By the time the other team had finished and claimed their reward, he was still trying to figure out where the first piece went. One of his tribe remarked "How do we lose a puzzle challenge when we've got a NASA engineer on our team?"
    Before he lost the challenge, he was bragging about flying in the space shuttle on several missions. Question for NASA: Do all the chimpanzees you guys send into space brag this much? Or just this one?

    Amazing Race - Get out of my closet!
    The episode began in Brazil. For those of you unfamiliar with Brazil, it's that other country that still watches soccer.

  • Weekly Sign of Domestic Violence - When the southern couple finished a task, the husband jumped in the air, pounded his chest and yelled "Hell yeah!" What did his wife do? She flinched and instinctively covered up her face.
    Later, they were lost on the streets of Brazil. While he was driving, the husband snapped at his wife "Do NOT expect me to ask directions. i am done with Spanish." She hurried to correct him: "It's Portuguese, honey." Uh-oh. She might as well have said "Please hit me harder this time." Ah, the lips may say "Portuguese," but when the cameras shut off, her broken arm will say "Spanish."

  • Team Prostitute once again demonstrated how light and empty their heads are. One of the hookers volunteered to climb a tall building and rappel all the way down. When she made it to the top, she cried hysterically and admitted that she was afraid of heights. She said that she underestimated the building's size. Much like the time Ron Jeremy gave her forty bucks in the back of a van.

  • The smelly hippies were wearing matching pants. When did hippies decide to wear uniforms? Is there a hippy school in San Francisco that requires all students to wear bright orange pants? You must bathe no more than once a week and shaving is not encouraged.

  • The big question of the night revolved around the Mimbos. America wants to know. Are you or aren't you? Here are five team highlights from this week's episode to help you make up your mind:

    1) "Oh my God! I just told that guy he had a nice butt." After mistaking a Briazilian Transvestite for a hot chick.

    2) "You look amazing, buddy!" He yelled while watching his partner rappel off a building directly above him.

    3) After slapping a girl's ass to prove his masculinity, one of them said "Too bad she has a boyfriend." Ten minutes later he slapped his "partner" on the butt as well. OOPS! Mr. Camera Man wasn't supposed to catch that one.

    4) Speaking about Team Prostitute: "I hope our girls don't get eliminated. Then what are we going to do? Hook up with Hippies?" Only if you can stand the smell.

    5) At the end of the show, the host ripped open a huge can of worms. He looked at the two of them and said "You both seem to be thinking a lot about the opposite sex." They seemed surprised by the comment and replied "That's what we do." Uh-huh. Go ahead and finish that sentence dude. What you meant to say was "That's what we do when we want to last longer."
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