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Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Survivor, the Race and Apprentice, oh my!

Survivor: Exile Island

  • One team is awarded a sack of beans. Reality magic ensues when the camp gets deathly ill after eating them. One of the geniuses remarks "Maybe we didn't cook the beans thoroughly enough." Another says that he is "Suffering at both ends." Yuck.

  • Bobby sneaks into the outhouse with the crazy Asian guy. They spend the entire night drinking up all of the tribe's wine. Yes, I said he went inside with another guy. Seems like Bobby was drunk and mistook the outhouse for the Rest Stop he usually frequents on the the highway.

    The quote of the night comes from Crazy Asian Guy at Tribal Counsel - "I ended up sleeping in the outhouse that night. I went in there and tried to get comfortable. About an hour later, there's a knock on the door and Bobby shows up with a bottle of wine. It's 2 or 3 in the morning and my butt's sore and I said 'I could use a drink.'"

  • Apparently, if I ask you to swear on my child's life instead of your own it carries more weight. In order to make sure he can completely trust Bobby, Shane demands that Bobby "Swear on my child's life."

    Later on in the episode somebody calls him on it "Wait a minute. You made him swear on YOUR child's life?" He says "Yes", but he might as well have said "Duh."

    Amazing Race - Week One

  • Meet the teams:
    1) Southern spouses
    2) Prostitutes
    3) Stinky San Francisco hippies
    4) Long distance relationship
    5) Gay couple
    6) Confrontational Daters
    7) Mimbos
    8) Post-Menopausal Sisters
    9) Old farts
    10) Mother/Daughter
    11) Socially awkward couple

  • Oh my God, Hippies!!! And what a shock, they're from San Francisco. One of the hippies is named BJ. Ironically, this is what I was calling him before they revealed his name. I was wrong about the other hippy. His name isn't Douchebag.

  • Southern married couple could be excellent TV material. Any time the wife is speaking to the camera, she talks about "knowing her role" and "serving her husband". During the first 15 minutes of the show, he already looks like he's going to punch her. I'm waiting for the episode where he whispers "Could y'all turn off that there camera for a minute so's I kin give mah wife her beatin', please?"

  • How many hookers does it take to build a motorcycle? Apparently more than two. At one point, the task calls for the prostitutes to build a bike from scratch. When they arrive at the garage and see what's involved in this particular task, they do the same thing they do whenever their Johns refuse to pay - They leave and go on to the next one.

  • The Southern Couple also takes on the task of building the motorcycle. The husband yells to his submissive wife "Do not second guess me!" then proceeds to complete the construction of the motorcycle by himself. A big wife-beatin' grin appears on his face and he predictably pounds his chest like an inbred Wookie.

  • Have you heard this one? Two gay guys get lost on the streets of Brazil. Um, that's all I got.

  • Uh-oh. One of the post-menopausal sisters states "I want to unsheathe my womanhood." For the love of God, sheathe. Please, sheathe.

  • I know they are supposed to have their wallets, money and all personal items confiscated prior to the start of the race, but I have a request. If any of the show's producers are reading this, I'm begging you to equip each of these mental midgets with a pocket Thesaurus. At a minimum, can you bleep the words "Awesome" and "Beautiful?" Maybe eliminate any contestant that uses either of these words more than 10 times in one episode? When I use the word "Eliminate" in that sentence, Roget's Thesaurus offers these alternatives: terminate, slay, omit, eradicate, extinguish and erase. Any of these would be acceptable.

  • Post-menopausal woman gets into a cab in Brazil and says "Hondole' Por Favor." Her sister says, "Um..He speaks Portuguese." The other sister responds "Isn't that the same thing?"

  • The Ancient Ones, or the token elderly spouses, get stuck on a bridge and are unable to locate the next clue - even though its inside a box directly in front of them. They lean on the box, pass it about a dozen times and watch team after team find and retrieve their clues. Finally, the box rises out of the ground and pummels the old lady about the head until she sees it.
    Quote of the night supplied by the elderly wife: "It must not have been there before."

    Apprentice - Week 1

  • The weather is bad, so Trump makes the comment "It's very, very windy out here today. So at least we've all learned that I do have real hair." Dude, you checked the forecast, saw that it was windy and slapped on twice as much Elmer's. Still not fooling anyone.

  • As Caroline continues to get hotter and sexier every season, George continues to look sleepier and older. Is Caroline a Succubus?

  • Quote of the Night - Dumb blond on chopping block: "What I contributed to this team were not things that everyone could see."

  • The Project Manager of note this week is a member of Mensa. This means that if I was alone in a room with him I would be considered Clinically Retarded. For his task, he gave out 400 Gift Bags at Sam's Club in order to get people to buy memberships. Can you guess what was in the Gift Bag? Nothing. Get it? The Gift was an empty Bag. Brilliant! I would have put something inside, but that's why I clean toilets for Mensa's local chapter.

  • Brent is an attorney. He's significantly overweight and makes Trump's hair look human by comparison. He's tasked with flying in the Good Year Blimp to advertise Sam's Club. Yes, I said "IN" the blimp.

  • I keep waiting for the Russian dude to yell "What a Country!"
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