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Sunday, May 28, 2006

Survivor and Amazing Race Finales

On the Amazing Race, two hippies accepted a million dollar handout while the cast of Survivor got back on the short bus for home. I waded through an ocean of crappy television - two hour finales, lame reunion specials - looking for nuggets of funny. I present you with this week's column - the fat's been cut, the poop's been pulled and the "Feel-Good" filler has been safely removed. All that's left is the crying. Enjoy.


Survivor: Exile Island
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you your Final Four - three exceptional idiots and one Jeopardy reject. Seriously, they should have called this one Survivor: Winner by Default Island.

Immunity and Reward Challenges - or Consolation Challenges for those that don't qualify for the Special Olympics.
The producers gambled on a few "Thinking" competitions. God only knows how much film and manpower was wasted trying to "Outlast" the Survivors while they stared blankly at each puzzle. You could almost hear the host whispering the answers along with: "Oh God, kill me." On TV the challenges only took a few minutes, but I'm sure this is due to the magic of CGI. All contestants looked weeks older by the time these challenges came to a close.

Terry
While walking back to the camp in the dark, one of the mental midgets dropped a heavy stick on Terry's foot. Then they seemed shocked when Terry got pissed off. I guess they were expecting him to say "Gee, thanks! This broken foot will really come in handy for all the physical challenges coming up." When he finally realized the futility of arguing with three brainless stooges, he went to bed. The three monkeys screeched and howled while picking nits off each other's backs.

Danielle - Hardware Store Pinup
More gratuitous shots of the fake-boobed anorexic walking along the beach in a bikini. HOT! Next stop: Playboy, baby. Or one of the following magazines:
a) Hustler
b) Penthouse
c) Petite Pontoons Weekly
d) Hot and Stupid
e) Fake-Breasted Receptacles

Later, her boob fell out at Tribal Counsel. Trying to persuade the judges, I take it. They didn't seem too interested. Let me tell you something - If I was one of the judges and I saw her melon fall out, she'd not only have my vote, but I'd be all over those ripe breasts like
a) Jessica Alba on a bad script
b) Caroline Rhea on a stack of IHOP pancakes
c) a pot head on a bag of Sun Chips.
d) a mullet on a hockey fan.

Aras - Yoga Instructor
  • Slipped on a rock and cut himself badly. Little bastard almost fainted. He said "I can't feel my hand." PUSSY. They called in the "Survivor Medical Team" to stitch him up. These guys have been dispatched to the camp so often they should have their own reality TV show. Here's their dispatch log for this season:
    a) Stitches
    b) Impacted Bowels
    (and the ones we never saw and can only assume...)
    c) Dysentery
    d) Masturbatory Contusions of the Penis - (caused by excessive bouncing of an anorexic's fake meat bags)

  • Here's the quote that sums up the whole season of Survivor - "I came in as a buffoon, and I've gone out like a buffoon. But in between I did some really cool things."
    Funny, that's how I apologize to my wife after sex.

    Final Words from the Losers
    The eliminated players were given the opportunity to address the two finalists - Danielle and Aras. Highlights:

    Earth Chick (Courtney) - This was all in Hippy-speak, so unless you're stoned or living in a cardboard box in the middle of the park, you won't understand it:

    "I forgot my guns. They've been dropped in a sea of forgiveness. I came in here wanting to play with integrity and to be a light of love and a shining beam and, wow. Did I struggle at that. Because you both stabbed me in the back with a knife that was deep. And it took me a week to remove it. I don't have a chip on my shoulder because chips on your shoulder of regret and anger weigh you down, and I'm a bird so I gotta fly."

    Let me translate for those of you unable to understand Hippy-speak: "I am a dirty hippy. Even though I lost, you should give me the million dollars anyway because I'm entitled to it. Rest assured, I will continue to be a burden on my community and a permanent fixture at the 7-11 on the street corner - where I will remain a source of wisdom and guidance to everyone as well as the Glory Hole in the men's bathroom. Good luck to you all."

    Shane - Currently taping his new reality show, "When bodies in the basement go bad".
    "I'm disappointed. Danielle, you were useless at camp. I know you can't complete a sentence. Aras, we both agreed what was most important to both of us: My son and your Yoga, which is laughable and contradictory. We can't be judged on our intentions alone. If I was judged on my intentions, I'd be President of the Planet."

    Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my honor to introduce the President of the Planet, Shane from Survivor.

    "As your newly elected leader, I would first like to thank you all for your vote. I won this election by a very narrow margin. Tawny Kitaen was a tough competitor and I wasn't sure I could win. Now, you may have heard rumors that I store dead female bodies in my basement. I assure you that this isn't true. Therefore, my first act as President of the Planet will be to legalize the storage of dead female bodies in basements. This should prove that I have nothing to hide. Now, if you'll excuse me. I need to go downstairs and have sex with one of my corpses. Er, I mean - I have to go downstairs and celebrate. Good night."


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    Amazing Race
    This one turned into Hippies vs. Frat Boys in an all out brawl. Highlights:

    Frat Boys (or Team Stuck-in-Closet)
  • They had to drill holes in the ice. "This is a pain in the ass, man." Uh-huh. then he added "Let me check your holes." Damn. That's the same thing my doctor said at my last Physical...

  • While pondering their experience: "It's been great doing it with Jeremy. I wouldn't do it with anybody else." I'm fairly certain he meant to say "It's been great doing it with Jeremy. I wouldn't do it with any other gender."

    Hippies
  • In Japan, one of the hippies made this statement: "Oh my God. Japan is the perfect place for us to go. I've got a Japanese girlfriend." Have you heard this one?
    What do you get when you cross a Hippy with a Japanese girl?
    A Lazy Geisha with hairy armpits.

  • "We approached each country with wide-eyed enthusiasm." In other words, how can I burden yet another society? To a hippy, each new country is an untapped tit waiting to lactate.

  • The host asked if they would be keeping their beards. Duh. It's not like they come off. That's like asking Flava Flav if he's keeping the gold teeth.

  • They won a text-messaging device and three years of service. Like they'll ever use text-messaging - "DUDE, THIS ACID ROKS. LOL!"
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