Survivor - Anorexic Plastic Love
After 28 days on the island, the Survivors look like a bunch of villagers in a Sally Struthers commercial. The only exception is Shane. If he's ever cremated, a lab analysis will show 30 percent ash and 70 percent smokable crack.
a) his dope dealer
b) his Parole Officer
c) the hospital he escaped from
d) his victims
She told Shane "I want to go fishing." Shane replied "With what? The fishing pole?"
Hmm. I'll admit it's not as productive as dunking your head in the water, opening your mouth and waiting for a fish to swim into it, but I guess a fishing pole is the next best thing.
Surprisingly, she caught something, thus proving that while this collection of idiots may be a few rungs below Chimpanzees on the Evolutionary Ladder, they're at least one link above fish on the food chain.
The Surreal Life - Tawny 18x
The cast must perform Poison's hit song "Talk Dirty to me" in competition against a cover band. Tawny is forced to manage the whole project. Great friggin' choice, VH1!
Tawny Kitaen - Train Wreck in slow motion
STEVE - "There's no keyboard on the song, so why do we need one?"
TAWNY - "Can you get someone from your band to play keyboard?"
STEVE - "Tawny, there are NO keyboard on the song."
(One hour later...)
TAWNY - Steve, are you going to be able to get a keyboard player?
STEVE - There is no keyboard player. There are no keyboards on the song.
TAWNY - Well, don't talk to me like that was the 18th time you told me."
Shazam! We've finally learned the secret. Tawny needs to be told the same thing multiple times or it never sinks in.
Things to tell Tawny 18 times:
a) Unless your plastic surgeon can reverse all the damage he's done, don't go back for more work.
b) Baseball players don't enjoy being on the receiving end of spousal abuse. When it comes to beating your significant other, they want to pitch, not catch.
c) Playboy Magazine doesn't want you. Stop calling the mansion every day. They changed the locks for a reason. You might want to start calling magazines like "Tattered Vaginas" and "Hot Natural Disasters" - Or any magazine that uses so much airbrush, your Centerfold photo will look like Dame Edna masturbating in the Antarctic during a blizzard.
Finally, Steve Hartwell told her to "Go F yourself." He only said it once, so I'm sure it didn't sink in. "Looney toons. Go stick this whole thing up your ass." Later, she confirmed my 18x theory by saying "I'm not sure what he said, but it made me sad."
The Amazing Race - Backpackers caught in the act of Backpacking
Being hippies, they were unable to appreciate the $20 handout. They were pissed off at the teams that didn't give them money. it was the same anger they get when looking at the dollar amount on the monthly welfare check. They deserve more welfare money for giving so much back to their community - things like tuberculosis and sidewalk urine.
The "Stuck in a Closet" Team