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Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Surreally Screwed

While one Survivor attempts to outwit, outplay and outlast a fish, the Surreal Life showcases the unfathomable depths of Tawny Kitaen's empty head. And the Amazing Race goes to Australia where the teams meet at an Outback Steakhouse to compete against wild Koala Bears and baby-eating Dingoes while drinking a can of Fosters and imitating Paul Hogan's accent. If I managed to leave out any Australian stereotypes, please let me know. Didgeridoo read this week's column, mate. It's a Bonzer!

Survivor - Anorexic Plastic Love
After 28 days on the island, the Survivors look like a bunch of villagers in a Sally Struthers commercial. The only exception is Shane. If he's ever cremated, a lab analysis will show 30 percent ash and 70 percent smokable crack.

  • Shane found an imaginary Blackberry device and said, "It's got texting, phone, email, web browser. It's got everything. I'm communicating with people not on this island." People like:
    a) his dope dealer
    b) his Parole Officer
    c) the hospital he escaped from
    d) his victims

  • Now that the show is nearing the end, it's time to reveal my latest Conspiracy Theory: or what I like to call "Anorexic Plastic". All of the Survivors look terrible by the fourth week. They lose too much weight, they're constantly dirty, and every female looks about as sexually attractive as Steve Buscemi in drag. Enter the "Anorexic Plastic" phenomena. Every season, there must be at least one female anorexic with fake breasts. As they become skinnier, their boobs remain unchanged. So by week 3 they don't just look normal, they look fantastic! What's hotter than an 85 pound chick with huge breasts? How about a 60 pound chick with huge breasts.

  • Without a doubt, Terry is still the smartest contestant on the show. That's not much of a complement. If he went on Jeopardy, he'd drown in a puddle of his own drool. Let me put it this way, if they flew in Tawny Kitaen to join the current cast Terry would become the second smartest person on the show.

  • Cherie is just as fat on Day 28 than she was on Day One. In fact, she seems to be gaining weight . Maybe she found a hatch full of food like Hurley on Lost.
    She told Shane "I want to go fishing." Shane replied "With what? The fishing pole?"
    Hmm. I'll admit it's not as productive as dunking your head in the water, opening your mouth and waiting for a fish to swim into it, but I guess a fishing pole is the next best thing.
    Surprisingly, she caught something, thus proving that while this collection of idiots may be a few rungs below Chimpanzees on the Evolutionary Ladder, they're at least one link above fish on the food chain.

  • Immunity Challenge - The Survivors were tasked with supporting twenty percent of their own body weight (coincidentally the exact weight of the Anorexic's fake boobies). I applaud the producers for getting rid of those pesky "Thinking" challenges. In fact, I suggest that the producers take it a step further and play "Board with nail sticking out of it." That's the only way you're going to get a clear winner.

    The Surreal Life - Tawny 18x
    The cast must perform Poison's hit song "Talk Dirty to me" in competition against a cover band. Tawny is forced to manage the whole project. Great friggin' choice, VH1!

    Tawny Kitaen - Train Wreck in slow motion
  • She asked to borrow the Transvestite's wig. This led to a great quote from the Transvestite: "Tawny was being insensitive. My wigs are part of me. And when she invalidates that, she says that I'm fake." While the Tranny was talking, I swear I heard his penis cough and his balls say "Shh."

  • Tawny asked Steve Hartwell, the lead singer for Smashmouth, to play keyboards.
    STEVE - "There's no keyboard on the song, so why do we need one?"
    TAWNY - "Can you get someone from your band to play keyboard?"
    STEVE - "Tawny, there are NO keyboard on the song."
    (One hour later...)
    TAWNY - Steve, are you going to be able to get a keyboard player?
    STEVE - There is no keyboard player. There are no keyboards on the song.
    TAWNY - Well, don't talk to me like that was the 18th time you told me."
    Shazam! We've finally learned the secret. Tawny needs to be told the same thing multiple times or it never sinks in.
    Things to tell Tawny 18 times:
    a) Unless your plastic surgeon can reverse all the damage he's done, don't go back for more work.
    b) Baseball players don't enjoy being on the receiving end of spousal abuse. When it comes to beating your significant other, they want to pitch, not catch.
    c) Playboy Magazine doesn't want you. Stop calling the mansion every day. They changed the locks for a reason. You might want to start calling magazines like "Tattered Vaginas" and "Hot Natural Disasters" - Or any magazine that uses so much airbrush, your Centerfold photo will look like Dame Edna masturbating in the Antarctic during a blizzard.

    Finally, Steve Hartwell told her to "Go F yourself." He only said it once, so I'm sure it didn't sink in. "Looney toons. Go stick this whole thing up your ass." Later, she confirmed my 18x theory by saying "I'm not sure what he said, but it made me sad."

    The Amazing Race - Backpackers caught in the act of Backpacking

    Hippy Team
  • They began the episode with no money and no possessions. Other than the cameras following them around, this would be like a typical day back home. They begged the other teams for money - much like a hobo on the street corner with a Dixie cup. One team gave them $20, but everyone else told the pair to screw off.

    Being hippies, they were unable to appreciate the $20 handout. They were pissed off at the teams that didn't give them money. it was the same anger they get when looking at the dollar amount on the monthly welfare check. They deserve more welfare money for giving so much back to their community - things like tuberculosis and sidewalk urine.

    The "Stuck in a Closet" Team
  • Okay, I swear I'm not making this up. They stayed at a Hostel where the sign on the door said: "Firestation. International Backpackers Welcome." One of them yelled "I've got the bottom!" I assume he was referring to the bunk bed situation, but I can't be completely sure of what the Backpacker actually meant.
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