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Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Surreal Life Finale - The Final Meltdown

As the cast ended their stay at Casa de Washup, we waved goodbye to another season of the Surreal Life. And while most viewers left their television sets to return to their normal lives, clinical therapists around the country toweled off, shelved the Jergens, and zipped up their pants. This week, I focus on what each cast member took away from their experience in the - oh, who am i kidding? I could give two pints of bird crap for what they took away from their experience. This column's all about my favorite functional abomination - Tawny Kitaen.

Tawny Kitaen - (Professional Hood Ornament)
Tawny's Meltdown or Time to get the hell out of Dodge.
The house guests dressed up and were scrambling to look their very best for the "Goodbye Dinner". During the chaos, Tawny slipped away to use the telephone.

She called her fiance'. The conversation was going just fine until she accused him of having an affair (Gee, there's a shock. You've had such a great history of stable, healthy relationships). Tawny explained why she was convinced that he was cheating on her: "When you call your (fiance') and he's got some broad in his car. And you ask him what they've been doing and the first thing out of his mouth is that they're planning the wedding. Uh-huh." Great detective work, Tawny. The man you're going to marry told you he was planning your wedding. Must be cheating. The only planning I'd be doing if I were your fiance' is planning my exit - either off a bridge or off a table with a rope around my neck.

Later she provided this gem: "At least I still have some morals. My fiance' is going to have to look it up in the dictionary." Can I get a Tawny-Translator please? Is Janice Dickinson still available? Maybe I just need to tank up on sleeping pills and Meth to figure out what the hell she's babbling about. Question is - do I really want to understand her?

When the dinner began, everyone could see that a core breach was imminent. The warning signs were there (incoherent babbling, boob falling out of dress, botched plastic surgery scars showing through makeup), and the mood was tense. You knew it was coming, the cast knew it was coming, but no one could stop it. As the cast speculated on when Mount Tawny would erupt and destroy the village, the reactor finally went critical and turned Chernobyl.

Tawny burst out and flashed her breasts, looking for some kind of reaction to make her fiance' jealous. Unfortunately, her exposed flapjacks didn't elicit the reaction she was looking for. Instead, the cast seemed terrified. Some kept their terror quiet and looked on in silent horror, while others went with their base instincts and screamed. One actually yelled "Oh my God!" as if he'd just stumbled upon a mass grave filled with decaying corpses. CC DeVille made a face like he'd swallowed his own puke. The Transvestite stared in disbelief and made a mental note to cancel his operation.

She spread out on the table like it was the hood of a Datsun. One of the cast members was suddenly faced with the choice of either a) staring into the void that is Tawny's kootchie, or b) moving his glass so that none of her kootchie dust got into the drink and ruined it. He made the wise decision and saved the drink.
She announced that she would jump into the pool naked - giving everyone about as much warning as a Tsunami.

  • Alexis Arquette said that if she was Tawny's therapist, she'd "Triple-Charge" her. If I was Tawny's therapist I would
    a) jump out a window.
    b) dig a spider hole and crawl into it..
    c) have so much Blogging material to type that I'd fill a thousand web pages. My hands would seize up and break off at the wrists. I'd look like a double-amputeed Popeye.

  • Cast comments about Tawny:
    a) "The last four days with Tawny have been like watching an accident in front of you." Yeah, God's accident.
    b) "Tawny told me that she was in therapy. And I hope she stays in therapy." That's a lot to hope for. I'd be happy if they kept her behind a locked door with a 24x7 video feed.
    c) CC DeVille summed it up best - "She's a mystery to me. All I can do is just observe. I don't know what's going on in her head." Other than a dead hamster being tossed around by an eternally-spinning wheel, I'd have to say there's nothing going on in her head.

    Andrea Lowell - (Playboy Centerfold)
    She wasn't happy with the way she was portrayed on the show. "Yes I am a Playboy model, but that's not all that I have to offer." I'm not sure what you have left to offer, honey. Unless you're hiding an orifice, all territories have been charted, claimed and occupied.

    CC DeVille - (Guitarist for Poison)
    Alexis Arquette said "I think CC will stay sober. That's like the one thing in the house that I can be sure of." Wow. That's bold. Here's my bold prediction - CC would drink your urine if he knew there was beer in it.
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