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Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Surreal Life: Exile Island's Amazingly Testicular Adventure

While Tawny Kitaen continued her war against Father Time, the cast of the Amazing Race took their competition to Greece. And even though Father Time kicked her ass many years ago, like the fungus around one Survivor's crotch, Tawny refused to give up.

Surreal Life - Live Post Op Coverage
The cast did a live news broadcast for a local TV station. Here's how that mess turned out.

Andrea Lowell (Playboy Model) - Andrea had a great idea - visit a winery and get liquored up before giving her news broadcast. She showed up completely hammered. Hmm. Send a hooker to a winery, guess what's going to happen? And just like any prostitute worth her $20, she performed great while intoxicated. She got so blitzed, in fact, that she was allowing strangers to fondle her breasts.
If she'll let you grab her boob for a Budweiser, I can't imagine what she'd do for a spread in Playboy. I can take a guess. Somehow I think it involves a horny old man, a blue pill, two bottles of lube, ten years of psycho-therapy and a hell of a lot more Budweiser than she drank at the bar.

Tawny Kitaen (Danced on top of Whitesnake's car in 80's video) - Tawny wasn't drunk for her broadcast, she was just clinically retarded. Apparently, the word "weathervane" is extremely difficult to say and she stumbled through her live interview like Steven Seagal doing Shakespeare. I'd say we're about two years away from watching Tawny shake her ass on top of a Buick in a new Poison video with a coked-up CC DeVille.

Later, Tawny spoke to Alexis Arquette about life as a Transvestite. She seemed to be reminiscing more about the days prior to her own operation, when she used to be hot. Tawny will be appearing soon on Fox's reality show "When Post-Ops ignore their follow-up appointments."

Alexis Arquette (Transvestite actress) - Alexis offered these pearls of wisdom:
a) "There are many differences. There's the Transvestite, which is somebody who is really into the clothing. Then there are the Trans-genders or Trans-sexuals. That's about gender choice and not about who they have sex with." It may not be about sex, but if a surgeon lopped off my penis, I think my "Gender Choice" menu might contain fewer choices.
b) "I don't like the whole 'Is that a girl? Is that a guy?' I just want people to know I'm a tranny. I'll always be a dual person. I'll always have both genders in me." Um, Alexis? I don't want to over-complicate things, but a boy has a pee-pee and a girl has a hoo-hoo. A tranny has a pee-pee unless it's been changed into a hoo-hoo. And then there's Tawny Kitaen's Pee-Hoo that I don't even want to get into right now.

Alexis was kissing a guy in a bar and someone yelled out "Take him home, he has a penis too!" She turned into the Hulk and smashed up the bar - pretty much killing everyone inside. Hell, I'm afraid to even write about it. She might come after me next.

Survivor: Exile Island - Medical Mysteries
In the weekly Stupidity Challenge, there was one clear winner: Shane.

Shane knew that one of the castaways was a Registered Nurse. So he inexplicably dropped his trousers in front of her and said "I need you to look at my penis."
She pleaded with him "Can you just tell me about it? Do I have to see it?"
"You gotta come look at it." He replied. "I can't even touch it. It hurts." Dude, when that Crazy Asian Guy offered to rub healing salve on it, maybe you should have declined.
The nurse said "Shane has a funky thing going on with his testicles." Testicles? This dude is so stupid he can't tell his berries from his banana.
Shane - "You see how its all red down there?"
Nurse - "That's because it's wet all the time. You're clothes are moist. You know, like a diaper rash on a baby?"
Shane - "It's because I've been wearing these undies for 23 days." Damn! You're lucky your balls didn't turn green and fall off.
"How do I make it go away?"
"Can you dry it out?" She asked.
He tried airing it out by wagging his bare ass around. I swear I saw birds fall from the sky around him.
Then the Anorexic with the fake boobies decided to get involved."What's wrong with them?"
"Well, they're all red. And now he's naked."
Then he took off his shirt and used it to dry off his red balls while the two girls watched. Hey, isn't this how most pornos start?

What is the best way to describe Shane's "Crotch Affliction?"
a) An old tree growing in the middle of a dank, hilly swamp
b) Sausage link served with meatballs in a nice red sauce
c) Sloppy Joes
d) Alexis Arquette

Amazing Race - Watch out for that tree!
This week the teams traveled from Rome to Greece.

Barbie and Ken Team- The hot blonde with the empty head made these intelligence-free comments:
- In Greece: "We're excited to be here. This is where thinking began."
- In Rome: "I've wanted to come here my entire life. To walk in the same places as Caesar and..." (paused as she tried to remember other famous Romans other than the Little Caesar Pizza mascot, the guy from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, and the fraternity that gang banged her at the Toga Party in college while she shot-gunned a bottle of Jack)..."um, all those other people is incredible."

Later, Ken was trying to cheer Barbie up with this inspiring quote: "Lift up your spirit before I get pissed off." Dr. Phil should add it to his next book.

The Ancient Team - The Camera Man that pulled the short straw was forced to cover the elderly couple. At one point during the episode, the old man drove right into a tree.
Here is the "Camera Man Duty" rank list:
1) Hippies - Pro = Good attitude, Con = They smell like Shane's testicles.
2) Southern Couple - Pro = Infinite source material, Con = You may catch a stray knuckle to the face from the wife beater.
3) Team Closet - Pro = They're clean and organized, Con = Danger of blurting out "You're both gay!" and ruining the suspense for the audience.
4) Elderly Couple - Pro = They move slow and they're easy to keep up with, Con = You'll die in a car accident

Southern Couple
  • While they were in Greece, the wife beater said "It ain't nearly as pretty as Italy, huh?" Yeah, and not nearly as pretty as a sunset on an Arkansas trailer park evening: The way that sunlight glints off of the steel siding, the way the pink flamingo on the hood of your hollowed out Mustang flutters in the wind like some majestic 49 cent masterpiece.

  • He yelled "So you screwed us up right off the bat." The wife got pissed and threw the map at him while he was driving. His "Beatin' Hand" swatted the map down hard. Instinctively, she raised her "Cover-my-face-to-avoid-bruising" hand. He got so frustrated that he "can't even remember my own name right now." And the wife tried to calm him down. Not in the same way she usually calms him down at home - hiding in the bushes until he passes out, calling the cops, and running around the house yelling "Please stop. I won't do it again!" - but by telling him to breathe deeply.

  • At the end of the episode, the Southern Couple was eliminated. Sigh. We'll miss them and their unique brand of southern charm. Charm that you can see if you randomly tune into an episode of Cops during a domestic dispute. Its a long plane ride home and he's got a lot of missed beatings to make up for. I just hope nobody drove off with their home while they were doing the TV show.
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