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Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Reality TV in the Middle East? No Shiite!

Upstaged by an impacted colon, the cast of Survivor wallows in a cesspool of stupidity. On Surreal LIfe, Tawny Kitaen's impacted head functions just well enough to torture Florence Henderson. The Amazing Race travels to the Middle East where the Americans are well represented by two hippies in search of another societal tit to suck off of, a pair of Geriatrics and a hot blonde that could be traded at the local market for six camels and a village.
This installment of Drunken Reality is so exciting, you'll not only rupture your colon - you might just blow out your O-Ring!

Survivor: Exile Island - Colonic Ailments
  • It won't be long before Shane picks up a machete and slaughters the entire cast and crew. He's either a complete lunatic or he's "Mentally Unburdened."

    At one point, the hippy blonde girl offered him support - probably fearing for her life. She said "It's hard for me to say that I'll agree with everything you think, but I'd like to be on your backside, and I'd like you to be on mine." Your backside? You better hope he didn't misinterpret that or you might find your skin draped over his back like a wolf pelt. My closet at home is filled with Hippy Hide, sweetheart. It may stink like a combination of hemp and incense, but damned if it doesn't keep me warm and toasty.

    In response to this supportive statement, Shane issued a warning. He said that if she breaks her promise "I'll kill you when we get back to Hollywood. I'll drive up and I'll kill you in your little apartment. Then I'll drive back to my club and that will be it." Suddenly the hippy looked terrified. That same look of "Hippy Terror" you see when you're winning a debate against one of them. They put up the "Magic Technicolor Wall" and refuse to listen to anything you say while still maintaining that they are Free Spirits and much more open-minded than everyone else. Basically they turn to jello, fold into the fetal position on the floor and start sobbing for the ghost of Jerry Garcia to come smite you.
    To smooth everything out, Shane said "Oh come on. Obviously, I've never been to your apartment." And then to make sure she knew his intelligence level was still dangerously low, he added this grammatical bastardization "That was just an Adjective."

  • This episode featured some heavy drama that included the Crazy Asian Guy doubled over in pain. He told Shane "I'm constipated."
    Shane replied "You can't poop?" Oh, is that what Constipated means? We are treated to a full description of his "Colonic Ailments" with nary a detail left to the imagination.
    FLASHBACK - This was the same guy that convinced the tribe to drink water filtered through t-shirts instead of boiling it. Coincidence?

    In the middle of the night he was doubled over in his tent and moaning. The hippy blond chick went to him and said "Do you want me to sing a song to you?" He told her "No", but she sang anyway. He begged "Please, don't." She refused to stop singing. The volume of his moaning increased as her voice droned on. Well, if anything could help him with the constipation, the singing Hippy could do it. Her singing voice was like a High Colonic. When the medics finally arrived I couldn't tell if they were there to treat the impacted bowel or to remove the singing hippy.

    The doctor asked him "What's the problem?" Crazy Asian replied, "I've got this pain on my back." The hippy was latched onto his back and rubbing it when he said this. Crazy Asian's eyes said "Please, surgically remove the blonde hippy. I'll pay you."

    Then the doctor strapped a flashlight to his head like he was going spelunking. Hmm, I guess in a way, he was.

    After the examination, he needed assistance getting Crazy Asian onto the stretcher, so he asked Shane to help. Shane said "Do we have to do this now?" The doctor seemed unfazed by the stupid remark. Almost as if the producers had warned him: "Don't forget, Doctor. This season's cast is comprised entirely of retarded monkeys. God only knows what you'll find out there tonight."
    He nodded and said "Yes, we have to do this now." Shane thought for a moment, turned to the camera and said "I'm naked. I can't sleep in wet clothes." At this point, the Crazy Asian Guy caught a glimpse of his nakedness and let out another groan - quite possibly begging God to trade his "Impacted Bowel" for "Permanent Blindness".

    Surreal Life - Tawny Vs. Mrs. Brady
    Tawny Kitaen performed a 10 minute live talk show and interviewed Florence Henderson. If you look up "Train Wreck" in the dictionary, here's what you'll see - Tawny's opening monologue. "Considering that the #1 golfer right now is a black guy, what's next? An Asian winning the Indy 500?" Camera panned the audience full of blacks and Asians.

    Here' s how the interview with Florence Henderson went:
    TAWNY - You have done so many things in your life, starting at the age of two.
    FLORENCE - Well, that's what my mother would say.
    TAWNY - Your mother is such a liar. I've met her before. She is a really big liar. I'm sorry.

    The audience looked uncomfortable and awkward, much like the crew of the Whitesnake video fifty years ago after taking turns banging her only to realize there was nothing but a large hollow melon where her head should be - vacuous, yet strangely intriguing and impossible to look away from.

    Amazing Race - Fun with Sand
    The teams travelled to the Middle East - Oman.
  • Team Challenges I'd like to see while in the Middle East:
    a) Spitting for distance vs. Camel
    b) Eat your weight in sand
    c) "Spot the Insurgent"
    d) "The Most Dangerous Game"
    And my all-time favorite
    e) "What the hell is in my Quarter Pounder?" That's where you try to figure out why you haven't seen one cow since arriving, yet you are eating a quarter pound of "hamburger" at the local McDonalds.

    The "Stuck in a Closet" Team
  • One task had them digging up mounds of sand to find underground ovens. They were told "Caution: Mounds are hot." One of them yelled "You gotta tear it up man! Dig deep!" You might want to be careful. Your buddy's hot mound might burn for a day or so after you "Tear it up", but these sand mounds might do permanent damage.
  • They were trying to catch a Fairy - oops, I mean Ferry. One of them stopped and asked a guy "Excuse me. Where are the Ferries?" He told them to "Go straight." Sage advise. Too bad he wasn't giving them directions.

    Barbie and Ken Team
  • They had to cross a lake with a little Arab guy leading them across. Barbie said "I just want to pick him up and take him home in my pocket." He might be a little big to fit in your pocket. Maybe you should just...Uh-oh. Here comes Team Closet. Quick! Put him in your pocket. Team Closet will have a much more creative storage solution for him. The little Arab guy might be used to hiding in Spider Holes, but...

    The Ancient Team
  • While searching for the ferry, the old man yelled "It's probably along the water." A ferry boat on the water? No way! Maybe you should call the airport first and see how many they have available before you look in the water where all the ferries are.
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