This installment of Drunken Reality is so exciting, you'll not only rupture your colon - you might just blow out your O-Ring!
Survivor: Exile Island - Colonic Ailments
At one point, the hippy blonde girl offered him support - probably fearing for her life. She said "It's hard for me to say that I'll agree with everything you think, but I'd like to be on your backside, and I'd like you to be on mine." Your backside? You better hope he didn't misinterpret that or you might find your skin draped over his back like a wolf pelt. My closet at home is filled with Hippy Hide, sweetheart. It may stink like a combination of hemp and incense, but damned if it doesn't keep me warm and toasty.
In response to this supportive statement, Shane issued a warning. He said that if she breaks her promise "I'll kill you when we get back to Hollywood. I'll drive up and I'll kill you in your little apartment. Then I'll drive back to my club and that will be it." Suddenly the hippy looked terrified. That same look of "Hippy Terror" you see when you're winning a debate against one of them. They put up the "Magic Technicolor Wall" and refuse to listen to anything you say while still maintaining that they are Free Spirits and much more open-minded than everyone else. Basically they turn to jello, fold into the fetal position on the floor and start sobbing for the ghost of Jerry Garcia to come smite you.
To smooth everything out, Shane said "Oh come on. Obviously, I've never been to your apartment." And then to make sure she knew his intelligence level was still dangerously low, he added this grammatical bastardization "That was just an Adjective."
Shane replied "You can't poop?" Oh, is that what Constipated means? We are treated to a full description of his "Colonic Ailments" with nary a detail left to the imagination.
FLASHBACK - This was the same guy that convinced the tribe to drink water filtered through t-shirts instead of boiling it. Coincidence?
In the middle of the night he was doubled over in his tent and moaning. The hippy blond chick went to him and said "Do you want me to sing a song to you?" He told her "No", but she sang anyway. He begged "Please, don't." She refused to stop singing. The volume of his moaning increased as her voice droned on. Well, if anything could help him with the constipation, the singing Hippy could do it. Her singing voice was like a High Colonic. When the medics finally arrived I couldn't tell if they were there to treat the impacted bowel or to remove the singing hippy.
The doctor asked him "What's the problem?" Crazy Asian replied, "I've got this pain on my back." The hippy was latched onto his back and rubbing it when he said this. Crazy Asian's eyes said "Please, surgically remove the blonde hippy. I'll pay you."
Then the doctor strapped a flashlight to his head like he was going spelunking. Hmm, I guess in a way, he was.
After the examination, he needed assistance getting Crazy Asian onto the stretcher, so he asked Shane to help. Shane said "Do we have to do this now?" The doctor seemed unfazed by the stupid remark. Almost as if the producers had warned him: "Don't forget, Doctor. This season's cast is comprised entirely of retarded monkeys. God only knows what you'll find out there tonight."
He nodded and said "Yes, we have to do this now." Shane thought for a moment, turned to the camera and said "I'm naked. I can't sleep in wet clothes." At this point, the Crazy Asian Guy caught a glimpse of his nakedness and let out another groan - quite possibly begging God to trade his "Impacted Bowel" for "Permanent Blindness".
Surreal Life - Tawny Vs. Mrs. Brady
Tawny Kitaen performed a 10 minute live talk show and interviewed Florence Henderson. If you look up "Train Wreck" in the dictionary, here's what you'll see - Tawny's opening monologue. "Considering that the #1 golfer right now is a black guy, what's next? An Asian winning the Indy 500?" Camera panned the audience full of blacks and Asians.
Here' s how the interview with Florence Henderson went:
TAWNY - You have done so many things in your life, starting at the age of two.
FLORENCE - Well, that's what my mother would say.
TAWNY - Your mother is such a liar. I've met her before. She is a really big liar. I'm sorry.
The audience looked uncomfortable and awkward, much like the crew of the Whitesnake video fifty years ago after taking turns banging her only to realize there was nothing but a large hollow melon where her head should be - vacuous, yet strangely intriguing and impossible to look away from.
Amazing Race - Fun with Sand
The teams travelled to the Middle East - Oman.
a) Spitting for distance vs. Camel
b) Eat your weight in sand
c) "Spot the Insurgent"
d) "The Most Dangerous Game"
And my all-time favorite
e) "What the hell is in my Quarter Pounder?" That's where you try to figure out why you haven't seen one cow since arriving, yet you are eating a quarter pound of "hamburger" at the local McDonalds.
The "Stuck in a Closet" Team
Barbie and Ken Team
The Ancient Team