Survivor: Exile Island - B.O.S.T.O.N
Day 30 on the island. By some miracle, the entire cast is still alive. I've never seen a more inept group of people. Honestly, you might as well throw a bunch of two year olds in a room, pass out butcher knives and shut off the lights. Here are some highlights from this week.
a) Bludgeon Or Stab Till Open Noggin
b) Blood Or Semen? Towel Off Needin'
c) Butter Orifices Smoothly To Orgasm Nicely
The Amazing Race - Tatow!
The teams are still in Australia. And since I used up all my Australian stereotypes last week, let's just get on with the column.
Answer: Hippies are resilient. Much like the cockroach, they adapt to climate changes and are immune to environmental fluctuations. Nothing can destroy the common hippy. Many have tried - using such methods as adding drops of poison to organic produce and leaving it on their porch at night. They eat it, but the infestation is never completely wiped out. It was theorized that the death of their leader, Jerry Garcia, would destroy the species forever and send them into chaos. This theory has since been disproven. In the words of Obi-Wan Kenobi, the first and most famous of all hippies, "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."
Barbie and Ken Team
* For one challenge, Barbie needed to play a song using a Didgeridoo. She stared at the long, rod shaped instrument. She was only able to get a little of it into her mouth, but she still managed to make it work. After she wiped off her chin, someone handed her a Didgeridoo. (Can I get a rimshot please? No, not THAT kind of rimshot...)
Surreal Life - "Tawny's being kind of strange." said the Transvestite.
Description - This week was all about "Flo's Final Word" - a talk show that featured Florence Henderson reminding each cast member how pathetic their lives had become. She said "I know some of you don't believe this, but I have a lot of life experience." Who the hell wouldn't believe that. She's 140 years old. She was giving Abe Lincoln sponge baths while my great-great-great-grandfather was running moonshine and knocking up some Puritan chick behind a tree. Of COURSE she has a lot of life experience.
Tawny Kitaen - (White Trash hood ornament from the 80s)
Someday Tawny hopes to travel back to Germany and visit Outch-Fitz. Nice hot showers, big dutch ovens. It's a lot like Disneyland, only with long lines, rude employees, unhappy guests and electrified fences. Hmm, on second thought it's EXACTLY like Disneyland.
CC DeVille - (Poison Guitarist)
Andrea Lowell - (Playboy Model)
a) I give handjobs for Jolly Ranchers and attention.
b) I do community service as a Glory Hole at the Y.
c) I've woken up in a puddle of CC DeVille's vomit.