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Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Okay, which idiot untied Tawny Kitaen?

I'm waiting patiently for the Surreal Life to bring in "Real" celebrities. Who wouldn't pay to watch Jim J. Bullock, Jaleel White, Gil Gerard, Todd Bridges, Jimmy Walker and Michael Winslow trying to live together? Better have LOTS of booze handy. Nothing says "Alcoholism" like failed celebrity. Throw in a little Erin Gray or Shirley Jones for credibility and you've got the number one show in America. Also, let Tawny stay in the house. She may be the stupidest person on TV, so roll with it. Besides, you know you want to see Willis and J.J. snort lines of coke off Tawny Kitaen's ass. Dy-no-mite!!!

Survivor: Exile Island - B.O.S.T.O.N
Day 30 on the island. By some miracle, the entire cast is still alive. I've never seen a more inept group of people. Honestly, you might as well throw a bunch of two year olds in a room, pass out butcher knives and shut off the lights. Here are some highlights from this week.

  • He's won nearly all of the challenges and a new car. On top of that, he found the "Secret Immunity Idol". The other idiots can't compete with this guy. It's like watching Jesse Owens race in the Special Olympics. Sure, it's fun to watch and you'll stay glued to the TV (for all the wrong reasons, of course) but you know he's going to win. However, I've found one wild card for Terry: There is a high probability that one of the Special Olympians he's competing against (Shane) will murder him in his sleep. On Day 31, they'll all wake up to find Shane well-fed and covered in blood while Terry will have vanished in the night along with a shovel, a knife and Shane's appetite for beef.

  • The word "Boston" is tattooed to his chest. According to Shane, this is the name of his son. Boston. I think he's lying. I think "B.O.S.T.O.N" is an acronym for the advice his old cell-mate gave him - while he was serving time for that pesky murder charge:
    a) Bludgeon Or Stab Till Open Noggin
    b) Blood Or Semen? Towel Off Needin'
    c) Butter Orifices Smoothly To Orgasm Nicely

  • He addressed the group from on top of a ledge and his little pee-pee fell out. They edited his package so all you saw was a blur. Hopefully, we'll be able to purchase the DVD Special Edition and see what all the "Cock-Fuss" was about. He's been complaining so much about "Crotch-Itch" and "Ball Moisture" that I'm expecting to see potatoes growing down there.

  • For the Immunity Challenge, they had to stand on a perch and fill a bucket with water. No intelligence required, right? Wrong. Shane couldn't figure it out and lost. So we wave goodbye to Shane. While his Parole Officer is in a hurry to get him back, we're sad to see him go. The homicide rate in his hometown may have dropped considerably in the past 30 days, but I'm sure he's anxious to get back to his basement so he can play with all his friends. Friends that are probably starting to stink up the house despite all the lye and perfumes he scattered before leaving. He'll have a nice tea party with them when he returns. He loves having tea parties with his friends. Well, except for the guy with no head. He's no fun.


    The Amazing Race - Tatow!
    The teams are still in Australia. And since I used up all my Australian stereotypes last week, let's just get on with the column.

    Hippy Team
  • After one of the teams lost a foot race against the hippies, they yelled "Damn! How did those hippies beat us?"
    Answer: Hippies are resilient. Much like the cockroach, they adapt to climate changes and are immune to environmental fluctuations. Nothing can destroy the common hippy. Many have tried - using such methods as adding drops of poison to organic produce and leaving it on their porch at night. They eat it, but the infestation is never completely wiped out. It was theorized that the death of their leader, Jerry Garcia, would destroy the species forever and send them into chaos. This theory has since been disproven. In the words of Obi-Wan Kenobi, the first and most famous of all hippies, "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."

  • The hippies kept yelling "Tatow!" In Hippy, this apparently means "Circle of the Universe." In English it means "Let's go beg gainfully employed humans for free food, clothes and money."

  • They came in last place and lost all their possessions AGAIN. Everyone else that came in last place had to leave the show, but not them. Of course, every time the producers go to take away their possessions, they can only hand over things that they've mooched from other people. They don't actually have any possessions (other than the lice, fleas and chronic).

    Barbie and Ken Team
  • Barbie spent most of the episode crying. Her boyfriend comforted her with soothing words like "Stop it" and "You need to grow up." and the always inspiring: "Please don't screw it up now."

    * For one challenge, Barbie needed to play a song using a Didgeridoo. She stared at the long, rod shaped instrument. She was only able to get a little of it into her mouth, but she still managed to make it work. After she wiped off her chin, someone handed her a Didgeridoo. (Can I get a rimshot please? No, not THAT kind of rimshot...)


    Surreal Life - "Tawny's being kind of strange." said the Transvestite.
    Description - This week was all about "Flo's Final Word" - a talk show that featured Florence Henderson reminding each cast member how pathetic their lives had become. She said "I know some of you don't believe this, but I have a lot of life experience." Who the hell wouldn't believe that. She's 140 years old. She was giving Abe Lincoln sponge baths while my great-great-great-grandfather was running moonshine and knocking up some Puritan chick behind a tree. Of COURSE she has a lot of life experience.

    Tawny Kitaen - (White Trash hood ornament from the 80s)
  • She said "I was a welfare baby. I ate powdered eggs and powdered milk and lived on food stamps. My parents used to tie me down to the the crib until I was four." Was untying her really a good idea? Didn't the priest warn the parents not to untie her until the Exorcism was finished?

  • After Florence tried to comfort Tawny, Tawny responded with this gem: "What was that all about? That was pathetic. I feel like I was at Outch-Fitz. (pause while America tilts their heads in fascination and a nice cool breeze blows through Tawny's ears) Outch-Fitz. I should know. That's where my Grandparents came from."
    Someday Tawny hopes to travel back to Germany and visit Outch-Fitz. Nice hot showers, big dutch ovens. It's a lot like Disneyland, only with long lines, rude employees, unhappy guests and electrified fences. Hmm, on second thought it's EXACTLY like Disneyland.

    CC DeVille - (Poison Guitarist)
  • Reflecting on his drunken past: "I'd wake up and find myself in a puddle of my own vomit, and sometimes other people's vomit." Let me translate for CC: "Crap, my vomit stinks and really isn't all that exciting. HEY! Check out Kip Winger's vomit. He puked up a hamburger. Maybe I'll crash in his puddle tonight instead of mine. You know, switch things up a little bit."

    Andrea Lowell - (Playboy Model)
  • She said, "Florence will not get over the fact that I get naked. And its like 'Listen, Bitch. I don't just get naked. I'm a model. I host television shows." Also...
    a) I give handjobs for Jolly Ranchers and attention.
    b) I do community service as a Glory Hole at the Y.
    c) I've woken up in a puddle of CC DeVille's vomit.
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