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Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Mass Graves Discovered on Exile Island

Future episode of Survivor - While digging a hole on the beach, one of the cast members unearths a mass grave filled with people wearing Survivor buffs. Exile Island's dirty little secret - A tombstone marked "Unsuccessful Seasons."

Survivor: Exile Island - My machete fights plaque, too.

  • On Day 15 the two stupidest tribes in Survivor history finally merged and named themselves "Gitanos" - spanish for Gypsies. I guess they couldn't find a Spanish word for "Idiots that would starve to death or die of Dysentery if it wasn't for the camera crew and the potentially bad publicity facing CBS."

  • Immunity Challenge = Hang From Pole. If you fall off the pole, you lose. Finally! I wondered how long it would take before the producers abandoned the "Intelligence-Based Challenges." Unless your idea of entertainment is watching a monkey fling poop at the camera while working on a puzzle, then watching these contestants try to problem solve has just been plain sad. They went from "Explain Einstein's theory of relativity" to "Man hang from tree long time." Next week's challenge will be "Who can take the most shovel hits to the forehead?" Followed by "Man hit in groin with coconut."

  • I guess its easy to mistake your toothbrush for a machete, because the Crazy Asian Guy chipped his tooth with one. The tribe seemed concerned about the amount of blood streaming from his mouth. But he just smiled a big bloody grin and said "Don't worry. I had a tooth come through my nipple once." Creepy. I guess he said this to make sure everyone knew he was okay. It would have made me pick up the machete and finish the job, but I'm not the one trapped on a small island with him.

    The Amazing Race

    Hippy Humor
    The hippies were tasked with finding a colored ticket. However, the ticket was hidden amongst a ton of clean laundry. I repeat - Clean Laundry. Hippies. Red Alert! Here are my observations:
    1) Does clean laundry stink to hippies the way dirty laundry stinks to humans?
    2) They've sorted through other people's clean laundry in the past. The only difference is this time they're not searching for spare change and bits of food.
    3) Watching Hippies sort through clean laundry is like watching the host of National Geographic interact with a tribe of pygmies that have never seen a white man before. Uncomfortable, yet fascinating.
    4) I kept waiting for one of the hippies to say "Hey Check it out! These people bought their underwear without the cool racing stripe down the center."
    5) Clean Laundry is to Hippies what
    a) Oil is to Water
    b) an axe is to a tree
    c) a script is to Uwe Boll.
    d) a vagina is to a Teletubby

    Mr. Pimp collects Team Prostitute
    Alas, Team Prostitute has been eliminated from the race. I have prepared a eulogy for them:

    Like the hot chick in a snuff film, the end was inevitable. We wave goodbye to America's most famous reality show prostitutes. But don't cry for them. They've made a few bucks here and there and learned many valuable lessons - Gargle with salt water to clear up the sores, check the currency rate of the Deutchmark before agreeing to anal sex, and the Free Clinic in Brazil is nicer than the one in Germany. But for conversation, nothing beats the clinics in the good ol' USA.

    Goodbye girls. Your saliva may have transferred the Clap, but it also transferred warmth and love. Do not ask for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for your shot of penicillin. And though you'll be missed by health departments across the globe, you are not forgotten. The new strain of Herpes in Brazil and the resistant form of Gonorrhea you left in Russia will carry on your legacy.
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