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Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Kidney con Karma

Sometimes we enjoy watching a hot chick run along a beach - her fake boobies bouncing around wildly like a pair of pissed off howler monkeys in a wet linen sack. And sometimes we enjoy Dr. Phil. But not this time. This time we enjoy the jiggling of two fake boobs on Survivor while two real boobs present their crappy inventions on American Inventor.

Survivor: Exile Island - Strategy for Idiots

  • For the reward challenge, the Survivors had to carry coconuts across the beach. I thought one of the girls was carrying five coconuts, then I realized two of them were filled with silicone. She lost the challenge, even with the "Two Coconut" advantage, and was sent to Exile Island with the horny Texan. Oh well, she's safer with the Horny Texan than the Crazy Asian. Horny Texan might try to hump her, but Crazy Asian would try to kill her first.

  • One guy realized that his alliance was in trouble, so he formulated a pretty good plan. He offered to give his Immunity Idol to someone if they promised to join his alliance. Unfortunately for him, the best plans often require the other party to have an IQ just above drooling. For example, if I ask my dog to pour me a cup of coffee and clean up after herself, I receive the same reaction that he got from the other Survivors: She licks her butt and stares at me blankly.

    American Inventor - I'm okay! I landed on my head.

  • Car Armor - Crap you put on your car to keep it from denting.
    The first thing I noticed was the inventor's girlfriend. She didn't look quite right. It was that "Not-Quite-Right" look that you and I tilt our heads at, but Maury Povich and his producers whack off to. The inventor offered an explanation: While watching the sunset one night, his girlfriend fell off a 40 foot cliff. She yelled up at him "Please call for help." Instead of calling for help, he threw his jacket down to her. The cell phone was inside the jacket. Woops.

    After the judges threw him out, he got upset and yelled "We put $15,000 into this invention and that's money we don't have." Somehow, that line didn't surprise me.

    He turned to his girlfriend and said the most romantic line in TV history:
    "I'm glad you asked me to do this. You mean the world to me. You take me to my doctor's appointments. Every day you take out my medicine and in the morning you help with my neck traction. I love you."
    If my wife is reading this, don't worry about the medicine, the doctor's appointments or the neck traction. Just keep changing my diapers. Love ya, honey.

  • Coffee Ring - Portable Brewing System. The inventor was an unemployed San Francisco resident. One of the judges asked him 'What have you given up for this?"
    He answered "I gave up my marriage and a kidney." They asked him why he gave up a kidney and he replied "I gave it up for Karma. It made me feel valid. My son needs a hero."

    Welcome to San Francisco, judges! None of them could believe this guy's attitude as he stood there with his 8 year old son. The British judge actually tried to reason with him. He told him to stop inventing and focus on his kid. I smiled at my TV. Silly Brit. I thought. You're in the Land of Entitlement now.
    Sure enough, even after they told him that his invention sucked he defiantly stated "I'm just going to continue what I'm doing. This is me. I'm an inventor." Uh-huh. How come nobody ever says "I'm just going to continue what I'm doing. This is me. I'm unemployable."
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