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Monday, May 15, 2006

Drunken Thoughts - My cult is the bestest

  • In Arizona, a dude with one of those irresistible Jim Jones' smiles started a Fundamentalist Mormon Church. He's been arranging marriages with underage girls. And - because you can't call it a Cult without multiple wives - they've been practicing polygamy. Hmm, actually the word "Polygamy" might be somewhat misleading. It's more like "Child Rape" since that's what he's being charged with. Congratulations to Warren Jeffs for making the FBI's 10 Most Wanted list. Quite an accomplishment.

    If you would like to join my cult - "The Church of the Hot Chicks and Overweight, Shiftless yet Opinionated Anti-Social Males" - please contact me. Just a reminder that you must obey my three basic rules:
    Rule #1 - All your wife are belong to me.
    Rule #2 - During their Period, females must be quarantined in the room marked "No Entry." If they choose, they can be moved to a much nicer room marked "Entrance in Rear Only."
    Rule #3 - I am your Leader and, henceforth, you may refer to me as either:
    a) "Bishop Sexy McHot"
    b) "The Reverend Ten-Finger Mordechai Johnson"
    C) "Only person on the compound with a penis."

  • Here's a headline you don't read every day - "Ex-Raider goes to jail." Former NFL kicker Cole Ford thought it would be a great idea to fire a shotgun at Siegfried and Roy's house while yelling "We need to get Siegfried and Roy out of this country!" Apparently, he was pissed off at their latest Magic Trick - "The Disappearing NFL Kicker" This act involves getting paid millions of dollars by a professional football team, shanking kicks all over the field and then watching the team use their number one draft pick to replace you with a rookie. The act ends with you watching your replacement on the TV at the bar while pounding your 14th shot of Jack and trying unsuccessfully not to puke.

  • In Maine, a mommy wanted her 13 year-old daughter to be really popular at school. So she helped her bake a bunch of "Ex-Lax Cookies" for her class.
    After the children ate the cookies laced with ex-lax and got sick, the mother was arrested and charged with assault.
    Here's an excerpt from this mother's soon to be released book titled "101 Tips on how to Make Friends in Second Grade."
    Chapter 12 - Love Advice - The Magic Milk Method: Slip some ruffies into a cute second-grader's milk at lunch. When she falls asleep, pimp her out to the boys in your class for Twinkies and Ho-Hos. You'll be the most popular kid at school.

  • Britney Spears - who is more than welcome to join my cult - is pregnant again. Here's Kevin Federline and Britney Spears at the grocery store:
    Kevin's Thoughts - "Okay let's see. Moonpies, check. Wild Turkey, check. Marborlos, check. Condoms, hmm. Nah. Doesn't feel the same with condoms on. Besides, if I knock her up again, maybe she won't divorce me. Yee-Haw! I haven't had this much sex since I negotiated my recording contract..."
    Britney's Thoughts - "Hmm, he's not going to buy any of those funny balloons. What are they called again? Comdrums? Besides, if he knocks me up again, maybe he won't divorce me. Yee-Haw! I haven't had this much sex since I drank all that "Magic Milk" in second grade..."
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