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Monday, May 22, 2006

Drunken Thoughts - Chest Tattoos

  • In my estimation, Katie Holmes has about three good years left. And if she keeps pumping out little Melmac babies - or whatever Scientologists call their offspring nowadays - she might cut that estimate in half.
    Katie reminds me of Carrie Fisher circa 1991. Still plenty hot. Two years later, I saw her interviewed on TV. And if it wasn't for the words "Carrie Fisher" on the bottom of the screen I would've sworn I was looking at her father.
    When Tom Cruise ditches Katie Holmes to move onto his next blank slate (er, I mean Love Interest), Katie will be a broken down Eddie Fisher lookin' Scientologist with a bunch of Melmacs. Lord L. Ron have mercy.


  • An 80 year old Iowa woman had the words "DO NOT RESUSCITATE" tattooed across her chest. Clever. After reading that story, my wife started acting strangely. Then I woke up the other day with the words "WOULD IT KILL YOU TO TAKE THE GARBAGE OUT ONCE IN A WHILE? AND THE DISHES DON'T DO THEMSELVES, YOU KNOW? AND WHAT'S WITH THE TOILET SEAT? ALWAYS UP. ALWAYS UP. WOULD IT KILL YOU TO PUT IT DOWN ONCE IN A WHILE? JEEZ. I MEAN, ITS NOT LIKE YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE THAT LIVES IN THIS HOUSE. ITS OUR HOUSE. AND WOULD IT KILL YOU TO EAT AT THE TABLE ONCE IN A WHILE. I MEAN, JESUS. IT WOULD - (CONTINUED ON LEFT ASS CHEEK)" tattooed across my chest. In retaliation, I've tattooed "DO NOT REATTACH VOCAL CHORDS" on hers.


  • Britney Spears slipped and nearly dropped her baby. Luckily, one of her bodyguards - or one of the baby's potential biological fathers - was there to catch it.


  • I started playing World of Warcraft again. I'm so addicted to that online PC game that I can't stay away. Sigh. Every time I get out, it just keeps pulling me back IN! Damn you Warcraft. The truth is...sometimes I miss you so much I can hardly stand it. I wish I knew how to quit you...


  • Latest $40 Xbox 360 title by the makers of Grand Theft Auto = Table Tennis (cough). That's right. Ping Pong. You can create your own "Athlete" and go to town on a ping pong table against the best Ping Pongers in the game.
    PROS - No shagging balls, no physical exertion, cheapest xBox 360 game available.
    CONS - It's ping pong.


  • The FBI finally got a lead on where Jimmy Hoffa's body might be buried. Anyone under 30 years old just read that and said "Who the hell is Jimmy Hoffa?"
    Several hack comedians including Robert Klein, Rich Little and Robin Williams were visibly shaken by this news since the mysterious disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa constitutes 80% of their stand-up material. I suspect that when Rich Little was approached for comment he said - in his best Johnny Carson - "I did not know that. That's weird, wild. Wacky stuff."


  • Major League Baseball went on Red Alert this week when St. Louis Slugger Albert Pujols defended Barry Bonds. He said "Give the guy a break."
    Albert, you better keep your potentially 'roided mouth shut, or else some of us will start asking how a guy that bats an average of 45 home runs each season is suddenly on pace to double that total this year.

    Bud Selig echoed Pujols by telling everybody to lay off Bonds. Selig, you're the Commissioner. Commission, for God's sake. Maybe we wouldn't be so pissed off if somebody was actually trying to do something about it. Here's what Selig has done so far:
    a) Nothing.
    b) Told everybody to shut up.
    c) Hired George Mitchell to "Investigate" the Steroid abuse. George Mitchell: The chairman of the board of the Walt Disney Company, the parent company of ESPN and (drum roll please) the network responsible for the "Bonds on Bonds" reality TV show. Hmm. Good choice, Bud. He doesn't have a vested interest in keeping Barry's ass in Baseball, does he?
    Why don't you just ask Bonds to "Pinky Swear." It might hold more credibility.
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