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Sunday, May 28, 2006

Survivor and Amazing Race Finales

On the Amazing Race, two hippies accepted a million dollar handout while the cast of Survivor got back on the short bus for home. I waded through an ocean of crappy television - two hour finales, lame reunion specials - looking for nuggets of funny. I present you with this week's column - the fat's been cut, the poop's been pulled and the "Feel-Good" filler has been safely removed. All that's left is the crying. Enjoy.


Survivor: Exile Island
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you your Final Four - three exceptional idiots and one Jeopardy reject. Seriously, they should have called this one Survivor: Winner by Default Island.

Immunity and Reward Challenges - or Consolation Challenges for those that don't qualify for the Special Olympics.
The producers gambled on a few "Thinking" competitions. God only knows how much film and manpower was wasted trying to "Outlast" the Survivors while they stared blankly at each puzzle. You could almost hear the host whispering the answers along with: "Oh God, kill me." On TV the challenges only took a few minutes, but I'm sure this is due to the magic of CGI. All contestants looked weeks older by the time these challenges came to a close.

Terry
While walking back to the camp in the dark, one of the mental midgets dropped a heavy stick on Terry's foot. Then they seemed shocked when Terry got pissed off. I guess they were expecting him to say "Gee, thanks! This broken foot will really come in handy for all the physical challenges coming up." When he finally realized the futility of arguing with three brainless stooges, he went to bed. The three monkeys screeched and howled while picking nits off each other's backs.

Danielle - Hardware Store Pinup
More gratuitous shots of the fake-boobed anorexic walking along the beach in a bikini. HOT! Next stop: Playboy, baby. Or one of the following magazines:
a) Hustler
b) Penthouse
c) Petite Pontoons Weekly
d) Hot and Stupid
e) Fake-Breasted Receptacles

Later, her boob fell out at Tribal Counsel. Trying to persuade the judges, I take it. They didn't seem too interested. Let me tell you something - If I was one of the judges and I saw her melon fall out, she'd not only have my vote, but I'd be all over those ripe breasts like
a) Jessica Alba on a bad script
b) Caroline Rhea on a stack of IHOP pancakes
c) a pot head on a bag of Sun Chips.
d) a mullet on a hockey fan.

Aras - Yoga Instructor
  • Slipped on a rock and cut himself badly. Little bastard almost fainted. He said "I can't feel my hand." PUSSY. They called in the "Survivor Medical Team" to stitch him up. These guys have been dispatched to the camp so often they should have their own reality TV show. Here's their dispatch log for this season:
    a) Stitches
    b) Impacted Bowels
    (and the ones we never saw and can only assume...)
    c) Dysentery
    d) Masturbatory Contusions of the Penis - (caused by excessive bouncing of an anorexic's fake meat bags)

  • Here's the quote that sums up the whole season of Survivor - "I came in as a buffoon, and I've gone out like a buffoon. But in between I did some really cool things."
    Funny, that's how I apologize to my wife after sex.

    Final Words from the Losers
    The eliminated players were given the opportunity to address the two finalists - Danielle and Aras. Highlights:

    Earth Chick (Courtney) - This was all in Hippy-speak, so unless you're stoned or living in a cardboard box in the middle of the park, you won't understand it:

    "I forgot my guns. They've been dropped in a sea of forgiveness. I came in here wanting to play with integrity and to be a light of love and a shining beam and, wow. Did I struggle at that. Because you both stabbed me in the back with a knife that was deep. And it took me a week to remove it. I don't have a chip on my shoulder because chips on your shoulder of regret and anger weigh you down, and I'm a bird so I gotta fly."

    Let me translate for those of you unable to understand Hippy-speak: "I am a dirty hippy. Even though I lost, you should give me the million dollars anyway because I'm entitled to it. Rest assured, I will continue to be a burden on my community and a permanent fixture at the 7-11 on the street corner - where I will remain a source of wisdom and guidance to everyone as well as the Glory Hole in the men's bathroom. Good luck to you all."

    Shane - Currently taping his new reality show, "When bodies in the basement go bad".
    "I'm disappointed. Danielle, you were useless at camp. I know you can't complete a sentence. Aras, we both agreed what was most important to both of us: My son and your Yoga, which is laughable and contradictory. We can't be judged on our intentions alone. If I was judged on my intentions, I'd be President of the Planet."

    Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my honor to introduce the President of the Planet, Shane from Survivor.

    "As your newly elected leader, I would first like to thank you all for your vote. I won this election by a very narrow margin. Tawny Kitaen was a tough competitor and I wasn't sure I could win. Now, you may have heard rumors that I store dead female bodies in my basement. I assure you that this isn't true. Therefore, my first act as President of the Planet will be to legalize the storage of dead female bodies in basements. This should prove that I have nothing to hide. Now, if you'll excuse me. I need to go downstairs and have sex with one of my corpses. Er, I mean - I have to go downstairs and celebrate. Good night."


    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Amazing Race
    This one turned into Hippies vs. Frat Boys in an all out brawl. Highlights:

    Frat Boys (or Team Stuck-in-Closet)
  • They had to drill holes in the ice. "This is a pain in the ass, man." Uh-huh. then he added "Let me check your holes." Damn. That's the same thing my doctor said at my last Physical...

  • While pondering their experience: "It's been great doing it with Jeremy. I wouldn't do it with anybody else." I'm fairly certain he meant to say "It's been great doing it with Jeremy. I wouldn't do it with any other gender."

    Hippies
  • In Japan, one of the hippies made this statement: "Oh my God. Japan is the perfect place for us to go. I've got a Japanese girlfriend." Have you heard this one?
    What do you get when you cross a Hippy with a Japanese girl?
    A Lazy Geisha with hairy armpits.

  • "We approached each country with wide-eyed enthusiasm." In other words, how can I burden yet another society? To a hippy, each new country is an untapped tit waiting to lactate.

  • The host asked if they would be keeping their beards. Duh. It's not like they come off. That's like asking Flava Flav if he's keeping the gold teeth.

  • They won a text-messaging device and three years of service. Like they'll ever use text-messaging - "DUDE, THIS ACID ROKS. LOL!"
  • Monday, May 22, 2006

    Drunken Thoughts - Chest Tattoos

  • In my estimation, Katie Holmes has about three good years left. And if she keeps pumping out little Melmac babies - or whatever Scientologists call their offspring nowadays - she might cut that estimate in half.
    Katie reminds me of Carrie Fisher circa 1991. Still plenty hot. Two years later, I saw her interviewed on TV. And if it wasn't for the words "Carrie Fisher" on the bottom of the screen I would've sworn I was looking at her father.
    When Tom Cruise ditches Katie Holmes to move onto his next blank slate (er, I mean Love Interest), Katie will be a broken down Eddie Fisher lookin' Scientologist with a bunch of Melmacs. Lord L. Ron have mercy.


  • An 80 year old Iowa woman had the words "DO NOT RESUSCITATE" tattooed across her chest. Clever. After reading that story, my wife started acting strangely. Then I woke up the other day with the words "WOULD IT KILL YOU TO TAKE THE GARBAGE OUT ONCE IN A WHILE? AND THE DISHES DON'T DO THEMSELVES, YOU KNOW? AND WHAT'S WITH THE TOILET SEAT? ALWAYS UP. ALWAYS UP. WOULD IT KILL YOU TO PUT IT DOWN ONCE IN A WHILE? JEEZ. I MEAN, ITS NOT LIKE YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE THAT LIVES IN THIS HOUSE. ITS OUR HOUSE. AND WOULD IT KILL YOU TO EAT AT THE TABLE ONCE IN A WHILE. I MEAN, JESUS. IT WOULD - (CONTINUED ON LEFT ASS CHEEK)" tattooed across my chest. In retaliation, I've tattooed "DO NOT REATTACH VOCAL CHORDS" on hers.


  • Britney Spears slipped and nearly dropped her baby. Luckily, one of her bodyguards - or one of the baby's potential biological fathers - was there to catch it.


  • I started playing World of Warcraft again. I'm so addicted to that online PC game that I can't stay away. Sigh. Every time I get out, it just keeps pulling me back IN! Damn you Warcraft. The truth is...sometimes I miss you so much I can hardly stand it. I wish I knew how to quit you...


  • Latest $40 Xbox 360 title by the makers of Grand Theft Auto = Table Tennis (cough). That's right. Ping Pong. You can create your own "Athlete" and go to town on a ping pong table against the best Ping Pongers in the game.
    PROS - No shagging balls, no physical exertion, cheapest xBox 360 game available.
    CONS - It's ping pong.


  • The FBI finally got a lead on where Jimmy Hoffa's body might be buried. Anyone under 30 years old just read that and said "Who the hell is Jimmy Hoffa?"
    Several hack comedians including Robert Klein, Rich Little and Robin Williams were visibly shaken by this news since the mysterious disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa constitutes 80% of their stand-up material. I suspect that when Rich Little was approached for comment he said - in his best Johnny Carson - "I did not know that. That's weird, wild. Wacky stuff."


  • Major League Baseball went on Red Alert this week when St. Louis Slugger Albert Pujols defended Barry Bonds. He said "Give the guy a break."
    Albert, you better keep your potentially 'roided mouth shut, or else some of us will start asking how a guy that bats an average of 45 home runs each season is suddenly on pace to double that total this year.

    Bud Selig echoed Pujols by telling everybody to lay off Bonds. Selig, you're the Commissioner. Commission, for God's sake. Maybe we wouldn't be so pissed off if somebody was actually trying to do something about it. Here's what Selig has done so far:
    a) Nothing.
    b) Told everybody to shut up.
    c) Hired George Mitchell to "Investigate" the Steroid abuse. George Mitchell: The chairman of the board of the Walt Disney Company, the parent company of ESPN and (drum roll please) the network responsible for the "Bonds on Bonds" reality TV show. Hmm. Good choice, Bud. He doesn't have a vested interest in keeping Barry's ass in Baseball, does he?
    Why don't you just ask Bonds to "Pinky Swear." It might hold more credibility.
  • Tuesday, May 16, 2006

    Surreal Life Finale - The Final Meltdown

    As the cast ended their stay at Casa de Washup, we waved goodbye to another season of the Surreal Life. And while most viewers left their television sets to return to their normal lives, clinical therapists around the country toweled off, shelved the Jergens, and zipped up their pants. This week, I focus on what each cast member took away from their experience in the - oh, who am i kidding? I could give two pints of bird crap for what they took away from their experience. This column's all about my favorite functional abomination - Tawny Kitaen.

    Tawny Kitaen - (Professional Hood Ornament)
    Tawny's Meltdown or Time to get the hell out of Dodge.
    The house guests dressed up and were scrambling to look their very best for the "Goodbye Dinner". During the chaos, Tawny slipped away to use the telephone.

    She called her fiance'. The conversation was going just fine until she accused him of having an affair (Gee, there's a shock. You've had such a great history of stable, healthy relationships). Tawny explained why she was convinced that he was cheating on her: "When you call your (fiance') and he's got some broad in his car. And you ask him what they've been doing and the first thing out of his mouth is that they're planning the wedding. Uh-huh." Great detective work, Tawny. The man you're going to marry told you he was planning your wedding. Must be cheating. The only planning I'd be doing if I were your fiance' is planning my exit - either off a bridge or off a table with a rope around my neck.

    Later she provided this gem: "At least I still have some morals. My fiance' is going to have to look it up in the dictionary." Can I get a Tawny-Translator please? Is Janice Dickinson still available? Maybe I just need to tank up on sleeping pills and Meth to figure out what the hell she's babbling about. Question is - do I really want to understand her?

    When the dinner began, everyone could see that a core breach was imminent. The warning signs were there (incoherent babbling, boob falling out of dress, botched plastic surgery scars showing through makeup), and the mood was tense. You knew it was coming, the cast knew it was coming, but no one could stop it. As the cast speculated on when Mount Tawny would erupt and destroy the village, the reactor finally went critical and turned Chernobyl.

    Tawny burst out and flashed her breasts, looking for some kind of reaction to make her fiance' jealous. Unfortunately, her exposed flapjacks didn't elicit the reaction she was looking for. Instead, the cast seemed terrified. Some kept their terror quiet and looked on in silent horror, while others went with their base instincts and screamed. One actually yelled "Oh my God!" as if he'd just stumbled upon a mass grave filled with decaying corpses. CC DeVille made a face like he'd swallowed his own puke. The Transvestite stared in disbelief and made a mental note to cancel his operation.

    She spread out on the table like it was the hood of a Datsun. One of the cast members was suddenly faced with the choice of either a) staring into the void that is Tawny's kootchie, or b) moving his glass so that none of her kootchie dust got into the drink and ruined it. He made the wise decision and saved the drink.
    She announced that she would jump into the pool naked - giving everyone about as much warning as a Tsunami.

  • Alexis Arquette said that if she was Tawny's therapist, she'd "Triple-Charge" her. If I was Tawny's therapist I would
    a) jump out a window.
    b) dig a spider hole and crawl into it..
    c) have so much Blogging material to type that I'd fill a thousand web pages. My hands would seize up and break off at the wrists. I'd look like a double-amputeed Popeye.

  • Cast comments about Tawny:
    a) "The last four days with Tawny have been like watching an accident in front of you." Yeah, God's accident.
    b) "Tawny told me that she was in therapy. And I hope she stays in therapy." That's a lot to hope for. I'd be happy if they kept her behind a locked door with a 24x7 video feed.
    c) CC DeVille summed it up best - "She's a mystery to me. All I can do is just observe. I don't know what's going on in her head." Other than a dead hamster being tossed around by an eternally-spinning wheel, I'd have to say there's nothing going on in her head.

    Andrea Lowell - (Playboy Centerfold)
    She wasn't happy with the way she was portrayed on the show. "Yes I am a Playboy model, but that's not all that I have to offer." I'm not sure what you have left to offer, honey. Unless you're hiding an orifice, all territories have been charted, claimed and occupied.

    CC DeVille - (Guitarist for Poison)
    Alexis Arquette said "I think CC will stay sober. That's like the one thing in the house that I can be sure of." Wow. That's bold. Here's my bold prediction - CC would drink your urine if he knew there was beer in it.
  • Monday, May 15, 2006

    Drunken Thoughts - My cult is the bestest

  • In Arizona, a dude with one of those irresistible Jim Jones' smiles started a Fundamentalist Mormon Church. He's been arranging marriages with underage girls. And - because you can't call it a Cult without multiple wives - they've been practicing polygamy. Hmm, actually the word "Polygamy" might be somewhat misleading. It's more like "Child Rape" since that's what he's being charged with. Congratulations to Warren Jeffs for making the FBI's 10 Most Wanted list. Quite an accomplishment.

    If you would like to join my cult - "The Church of the Hot Chicks and Overweight, Shiftless yet Opinionated Anti-Social Males" - please contact me. Just a reminder that you must obey my three basic rules:
    Rule #1 - All your wife are belong to me.
    Rule #2 - During their Period, females must be quarantined in the room marked "No Entry." If they choose, they can be moved to a much nicer room marked "Entrance in Rear Only."
    Rule #3 - I am your Leader and, henceforth, you may refer to me as either:
    a) "Bishop Sexy McHot"
    b) "The Reverend Ten-Finger Mordechai Johnson"
    C) "Only person on the compound with a penis."


  • Here's a headline you don't read every day - "Ex-Raider goes to jail." Former NFL kicker Cole Ford thought it would be a great idea to fire a shotgun at Siegfried and Roy's house while yelling "We need to get Siegfried and Roy out of this country!" Apparently, he was pissed off at their latest Magic Trick - "The Disappearing NFL Kicker" This act involves getting paid millions of dollars by a professional football team, shanking kicks all over the field and then watching the team use their number one draft pick to replace you with a rookie. The act ends with you watching your replacement on the TV at the bar while pounding your 14th shot of Jack and trying unsuccessfully not to puke.


  • In Maine, a mommy wanted her 13 year-old daughter to be really popular at school. So she helped her bake a bunch of "Ex-Lax Cookies" for her class.
    After the children ate the cookies laced with ex-lax and got sick, the mother was arrested and charged with assault.
    Here's an excerpt from this mother's soon to be released book titled "101 Tips on how to Make Friends in Second Grade."
    Chapter 12 - Love Advice - The Magic Milk Method: Slip some ruffies into a cute second-grader's milk at lunch. When she falls asleep, pimp her out to the boys in your class for Twinkies and Ho-Hos. You'll be the most popular kid at school.


  • Britney Spears - who is more than welcome to join my cult - is pregnant again. Here's Kevin Federline and Britney Spears at the grocery store:
    Kevin's Thoughts - "Okay let's see. Moonpies, check. Wild Turkey, check. Marborlos, check. Condoms, hmm. Nah. Doesn't feel the same with condoms on. Besides, if I knock her up again, maybe she won't divorce me. Yee-Haw! I haven't had this much sex since I negotiated my recording contract..."
    Britney's Thoughts - "Hmm, he's not going to buy any of those funny balloons. What are they called again? Comdrums? Besides, if he knocks me up again, maybe he won't divorce me. Yee-Haw! I haven't had this much sex since I drank all that "Magic Milk" in second grade..."
  • Wednesday, May 10, 2006

    Okay, which idiot untied Tawny Kitaen?

    I'm waiting patiently for the Surreal Life to bring in "Real" celebrities. Who wouldn't pay to watch Jim J. Bullock, Jaleel White, Gil Gerard, Todd Bridges, Jimmy Walker and Michael Winslow trying to live together? Better have LOTS of booze handy. Nothing says "Alcoholism" like failed celebrity. Throw in a little Erin Gray or Shirley Jones for credibility and you've got the number one show in America. Also, let Tawny stay in the house. She may be the stupidest person on TV, so roll with it. Besides, you know you want to see Willis and J.J. snort lines of coke off Tawny Kitaen's ass. Dy-no-mite!!!

    Survivor: Exile Island - B.O.S.T.O.N
    Day 30 on the island. By some miracle, the entire cast is still alive. I've never seen a more inept group of people. Honestly, you might as well throw a bunch of two year olds in a room, pass out butcher knives and shut off the lights. Here are some highlights from this week.

    Terry
  • He's won nearly all of the challenges and a new car. On top of that, he found the "Secret Immunity Idol". The other idiots can't compete with this guy. It's like watching Jesse Owens race in the Special Olympics. Sure, it's fun to watch and you'll stay glued to the TV (for all the wrong reasons, of course) but you know he's going to win. However, I've found one wild card for Terry: There is a high probability that one of the Special Olympians he's competing against (Shane) will murder him in his sleep. On Day 31, they'll all wake up to find Shane well-fed and covered in blood while Terry will have vanished in the night along with a shovel, a knife and Shane's appetite for beef.

    Shane
  • The word "Boston" is tattooed to his chest. According to Shane, this is the name of his son. Boston. I think he's lying. I think "B.O.S.T.O.N" is an acronym for the advice his old cell-mate gave him - while he was serving time for that pesky murder charge:
    a) Bludgeon Or Stab Till Open Noggin
    b) Blood Or Semen? Towel Off Needin'
    c) Butter Orifices Smoothly To Orgasm Nicely

  • He addressed the group from on top of a ledge and his little pee-pee fell out. They edited his package so all you saw was a blur. Hopefully, we'll be able to purchase the DVD Special Edition and see what all the "Cock-Fuss" was about. He's been complaining so much about "Crotch-Itch" and "Ball Moisture" that I'm expecting to see potatoes growing down there.

  • For the Immunity Challenge, they had to stand on a perch and fill a bucket with water. No intelligence required, right? Wrong. Shane couldn't figure it out and lost. So we wave goodbye to Shane. While his Parole Officer is in a hurry to get him back, we're sad to see him go. The homicide rate in his hometown may have dropped considerably in the past 30 days, but I'm sure he's anxious to get back to his basement so he can play with all his friends. Friends that are probably starting to stink up the house despite all the lye and perfumes he scattered before leaving. He'll have a nice tea party with them when he returns. He loves having tea parties with his friends. Well, except for the guy with no head. He's no fun.

    ----

    The Amazing Race - Tatow!
    The teams are still in Australia. And since I used up all my Australian stereotypes last week, let's just get on with the column.

    Hippy Team
  • After one of the teams lost a foot race against the hippies, they yelled "Damn! How did those hippies beat us?"
    Answer: Hippies are resilient. Much like the cockroach, they adapt to climate changes and are immune to environmental fluctuations. Nothing can destroy the common hippy. Many have tried - using such methods as adding drops of poison to organic produce and leaving it on their porch at night. They eat it, but the infestation is never completely wiped out. It was theorized that the death of their leader, Jerry Garcia, would destroy the species forever and send them into chaos. This theory has since been disproven. In the words of Obi-Wan Kenobi, the first and most famous of all hippies, "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."

  • The hippies kept yelling "Tatow!" In Hippy, this apparently means "Circle of the Universe." In English it means "Let's go beg gainfully employed humans for free food, clothes and money."

  • They came in last place and lost all their possessions AGAIN. Everyone else that came in last place had to leave the show, but not them. Of course, every time the producers go to take away their possessions, they can only hand over things that they've mooched from other people. They don't actually have any possessions (other than the lice, fleas and chronic).

    Barbie and Ken Team
  • Barbie spent most of the episode crying. Her boyfriend comforted her with soothing words like "Stop it" and "You need to grow up." and the always inspiring: "Please don't screw it up now."

    * For one challenge, Barbie needed to play a song using a Didgeridoo. She stared at the long, rod shaped instrument. She was only able to get a little of it into her mouth, but she still managed to make it work. After she wiped off her chin, someone handed her a Didgeridoo. (Can I get a rimshot please? No, not THAT kind of rimshot...)

    ----

    Surreal Life - "Tawny's being kind of strange." said the Transvestite.
    Description - This week was all about "Flo's Final Word" - a talk show that featured Florence Henderson reminding each cast member how pathetic their lives had become. She said "I know some of you don't believe this, but I have a lot of life experience." Who the hell wouldn't believe that. She's 140 years old. She was giving Abe Lincoln sponge baths while my great-great-great-grandfather was running moonshine and knocking up some Puritan chick behind a tree. Of COURSE she has a lot of life experience.

    Tawny Kitaen - (White Trash hood ornament from the 80s)
  • She said "I was a welfare baby. I ate powdered eggs and powdered milk and lived on food stamps. My parents used to tie me down to the the crib until I was four." Was untying her really a good idea? Didn't the priest warn the parents not to untie her until the Exorcism was finished?

  • After Florence tried to comfort Tawny, Tawny responded with this gem: "What was that all about? That was pathetic. I feel like I was at Outch-Fitz. (pause while America tilts their heads in fascination and a nice cool breeze blows through Tawny's ears) Outch-Fitz. I should know. That's where my Grandparents came from."
    Someday Tawny hopes to travel back to Germany and visit Outch-Fitz. Nice hot showers, big dutch ovens. It's a lot like Disneyland, only with long lines, rude employees, unhappy guests and electrified fences. Hmm, on second thought it's EXACTLY like Disneyland.

    CC DeVille - (Poison Guitarist)
  • Reflecting on his drunken past: "I'd wake up and find myself in a puddle of my own vomit, and sometimes other people's vomit." Let me translate for CC: "Crap, my vomit stinks and really isn't all that exciting. HEY! Check out Kip Winger's vomit. He puked up a hamburger. Maybe I'll crash in his puddle tonight instead of mine. You know, switch things up a little bit."

    Andrea Lowell - (Playboy Model)
  • She said, "Florence will not get over the fact that I get naked. And its like 'Listen, Bitch. I don't just get naked. I'm a model. I host television shows." Also...
    a) I give handjobs for Jolly Ranchers and attention.
    b) I do community service as a Glory Hole at the Y.
    c) I've woken up in a puddle of CC DeVille's vomit.
  • Surreally Screwed

    While one Survivor attempts to outwit, outplay and outlast a fish, the Surreal Life showcases the unfathomable depths of Tawny Kitaen's empty head. And the Amazing Race goes to Australia where the teams meet at an Outback Steakhouse to compete against wild Koala Bears and baby-eating Dingoes while drinking a can of Fosters and imitating Paul Hogan's accent. If I managed to leave out any Australian stereotypes, please let me know. Didgeridoo read this week's column, mate. It's a Bonzer!

    Survivor - Anorexic Plastic Love
    After 28 days on the island, the Survivors look like a bunch of villagers in a Sally Struthers commercial. The only exception is Shane. If he's ever cremated, a lab analysis will show 30 percent ash and 70 percent smokable crack.

  • Shane found an imaginary Blackberry device and said, "It's got texting, phone, email, web browser. It's got everything. I'm communicating with people not on this island." People like:
    a) his dope dealer
    b) his Parole Officer
    c) the hospital he escaped from
    d) his victims

  • Now that the show is nearing the end, it's time to reveal my latest Conspiracy Theory: or what I like to call "Anorexic Plastic". All of the Survivors look terrible by the fourth week. They lose too much weight, they're constantly dirty, and every female looks about as sexually attractive as Steve Buscemi in drag. Enter the "Anorexic Plastic" phenomena. Every season, there must be at least one female anorexic with fake breasts. As they become skinnier, their boobs remain unchanged. So by week 3 they don't just look normal, they look fantastic! What's hotter than an 85 pound chick with huge breasts? How about a 60 pound chick with huge breasts.

  • Without a doubt, Terry is still the smartest contestant on the show. That's not much of a complement. If he went on Jeopardy, he'd drown in a puddle of his own drool. Let me put it this way, if they flew in Tawny Kitaen to join the current cast Terry would become the second smartest person on the show.

  • Cherie is just as fat on Day 28 than she was on Day One. In fact, she seems to be gaining weight . Maybe she found a hatch full of food like Hurley on Lost.
    She told Shane "I want to go fishing." Shane replied "With what? The fishing pole?"
    Hmm. I'll admit it's not as productive as dunking your head in the water, opening your mouth and waiting for a fish to swim into it, but I guess a fishing pole is the next best thing.
    Surprisingly, she caught something, thus proving that while this collection of idiots may be a few rungs below Chimpanzees on the Evolutionary Ladder, they're at least one link above fish on the food chain.

  • Immunity Challenge - The Survivors were tasked with supporting twenty percent of their own body weight (coincidentally the exact weight of the Anorexic's fake boobies). I applaud the producers for getting rid of those pesky "Thinking" challenges. In fact, I suggest that the producers take it a step further and play "Board with nail sticking out of it." That's the only way you're going to get a clear winner.


    The Surreal Life - Tawny 18x
    The cast must perform Poison's hit song "Talk Dirty to me" in competition against a cover band. Tawny is forced to manage the whole project. Great friggin' choice, VH1!

    Tawny Kitaen - Train Wreck in slow motion
  • She asked to borrow the Transvestite's wig. This led to a great quote from the Transvestite: "Tawny was being insensitive. My wigs are part of me. And when she invalidates that, she says that I'm fake." While the Tranny was talking, I swear I heard his penis cough and his balls say "Shh."

  • Tawny asked Steve Hartwell, the lead singer for Smashmouth, to play keyboards.
    STEVE - "There's no keyboard on the song, so why do we need one?"
    TAWNY - "Can you get someone from your band to play keyboard?"
    STEVE - "Tawny, there are NO keyboard on the song."
    (One hour later...)
    TAWNY - Steve, are you going to be able to get a keyboard player?
    STEVE - There is no keyboard player. There are no keyboards on the song.
    TAWNY - Well, don't talk to me like that was the 18th time you told me."
    Shazam! We've finally learned the secret. Tawny needs to be told the same thing multiple times or it never sinks in.
    Things to tell Tawny 18 times:
    a) Unless your plastic surgeon can reverse all the damage he's done, don't go back for more work.
    b) Baseball players don't enjoy being on the receiving end of spousal abuse. When it comes to beating your significant other, they want to pitch, not catch.
    c) Playboy Magazine doesn't want you. Stop calling the mansion every day. They changed the locks for a reason. You might want to start calling magazines like "Tattered Vaginas" and "Hot Natural Disasters" - Or any magazine that uses so much airbrush, your Centerfold photo will look like Dame Edna masturbating in the Antarctic during a blizzard.

    Finally, Steve Hartwell told her to "Go F yourself." He only said it once, so I'm sure it didn't sink in. "Looney toons. Go stick this whole thing up your ass." Later, she confirmed my 18x theory by saying "I'm not sure what he said, but it made me sad."


    The Amazing Race - Backpackers caught in the act of Backpacking

    Hippy Team
  • They began the episode with no money and no possessions. Other than the cameras following them around, this would be like a typical day back home. They begged the other teams for money - much like a hobo on the street corner with a Dixie cup. One team gave them $20, but everyone else told the pair to screw off.

    Being hippies, they were unable to appreciate the $20 handout. They were pissed off at the teams that didn't give them money. it was the same anger they get when looking at the dollar amount on the monthly welfare check. They deserve more welfare money for giving so much back to their community - things like tuberculosis and sidewalk urine.

    The "Stuck in a Closet" Team
  • Okay, I swear I'm not making this up. They stayed at a Hostel where the sign on the door said: "Firestation. International Backpackers Welcome." One of them yelled "I've got the bottom!" I assume he was referring to the bunk bed situation, but I can't be completely sure of what the Backpacker actually meant.
  • Reality TV in the Middle East? No Shiite!

    Upstaged by an impacted colon, the cast of Survivor wallows in a cesspool of stupidity. On Surreal LIfe, Tawny Kitaen's impacted head functions just well enough to torture Florence Henderson. The Amazing Race travels to the Middle East where the Americans are well represented by two hippies in search of another societal tit to suck off of, a pair of Geriatrics and a hot blonde that could be traded at the local market for six camels and a village.
    This installment of Drunken Reality is so exciting, you'll not only rupture your colon - you might just blow out your O-Ring!

    Survivor: Exile Island - Colonic Ailments
  • It won't be long before Shane picks up a machete and slaughters the entire cast and crew. He's either a complete lunatic or he's "Mentally Unburdened."

    At one point, the hippy blonde girl offered him support - probably fearing for her life. She said "It's hard for me to say that I'll agree with everything you think, but I'd like to be on your backside, and I'd like you to be on mine." Your backside? You better hope he didn't misinterpret that or you might find your skin draped over his back like a wolf pelt. My closet at home is filled with Hippy Hide, sweetheart. It may stink like a combination of hemp and incense, but damned if it doesn't keep me warm and toasty.

    In response to this supportive statement, Shane issued a warning. He said that if she breaks her promise "I'll kill you when we get back to Hollywood. I'll drive up and I'll kill you in your little apartment. Then I'll drive back to my club and that will be it." Suddenly the hippy looked terrified. That same look of "Hippy Terror" you see when you're winning a debate against one of them. They put up the "Magic Technicolor Wall" and refuse to listen to anything you say while still maintaining that they are Free Spirits and much more open-minded than everyone else. Basically they turn to jello, fold into the fetal position on the floor and start sobbing for the ghost of Jerry Garcia to come smite you.
    To smooth everything out, Shane said "Oh come on. Obviously, I've never been to your apartment." And then to make sure she knew his intelligence level was still dangerously low, he added this grammatical bastardization "That was just an Adjective."

  • This episode featured some heavy drama that included the Crazy Asian Guy doubled over in pain. He told Shane "I'm constipated."
    Shane replied "You can't poop?" Oh, is that what Constipated means? We are treated to a full description of his "Colonic Ailments" with nary a detail left to the imagination.
    FLASHBACK - This was the same guy that convinced the tribe to drink water filtered through t-shirts instead of boiling it. Coincidence?

    In the middle of the night he was doubled over in his tent and moaning. The hippy blond chick went to him and said "Do you want me to sing a song to you?" He told her "No", but she sang anyway. He begged "Please, don't." She refused to stop singing. The volume of his moaning increased as her voice droned on. Well, if anything could help him with the constipation, the singing Hippy could do it. Her singing voice was like a High Colonic. When the medics finally arrived I couldn't tell if they were there to treat the impacted bowel or to remove the singing hippy.

    The doctor asked him "What's the problem?" Crazy Asian replied, "I've got this pain on my back." The hippy was latched onto his back and rubbing it when he said this. Crazy Asian's eyes said "Please, surgically remove the blonde hippy. I'll pay you."

    Then the doctor strapped a flashlight to his head like he was going spelunking. Hmm, I guess in a way, he was.

    After the examination, he needed assistance getting Crazy Asian onto the stretcher, so he asked Shane to help. Shane said "Do we have to do this now?" The doctor seemed unfazed by the stupid remark. Almost as if the producers had warned him: "Don't forget, Doctor. This season's cast is comprised entirely of retarded monkeys. God only knows what you'll find out there tonight."
    He nodded and said "Yes, we have to do this now." Shane thought for a moment, turned to the camera and said "I'm naked. I can't sleep in wet clothes." At this point, the Crazy Asian Guy caught a glimpse of his nakedness and let out another groan - quite possibly begging God to trade his "Impacted Bowel" for "Permanent Blindness".


    Surreal Life - Tawny Vs. Mrs. Brady
    Tawny Kitaen performed a 10 minute live talk show and interviewed Florence Henderson. If you look up "Train Wreck" in the dictionary, here's what you'll see - Tawny's opening monologue. "Considering that the #1 golfer right now is a black guy, what's next? An Asian winning the Indy 500?" Camera panned the audience full of blacks and Asians.

    Here' s how the interview with Florence Henderson went:
    TAWNY - You have done so many things in your life, starting at the age of two.
    FLORENCE - Well, that's what my mother would say.
    TAWNY - Your mother is such a liar. I've met her before. She is a really big liar. I'm sorry.

    The audience looked uncomfortable and awkward, much like the crew of the Whitesnake video fifty years ago after taking turns banging her only to realize there was nothing but a large hollow melon where her head should be - vacuous, yet strangely intriguing and impossible to look away from.


    Amazing Race - Fun with Sand
    The teams travelled to the Middle East - Oman.
  • Team Challenges I'd like to see while in the Middle East:
    a) Spitting for distance vs. Camel
    b) Eat your weight in sand
    c) "Spot the Insurgent"
    d) "The Most Dangerous Game"
    And my all-time favorite
    e) "What the hell is in my Quarter Pounder?" That's where you try to figure out why you haven't seen one cow since arriving, yet you are eating a quarter pound of "hamburger" at the local McDonalds.

    The "Stuck in a Closet" Team
  • One task had them digging up mounds of sand to find underground ovens. They were told "Caution: Mounds are hot." One of them yelled "You gotta tear it up man! Dig deep!" You might want to be careful. Your buddy's hot mound might burn for a day or so after you "Tear it up", but these sand mounds might do permanent damage.
  • They were trying to catch a Fairy - oops, I mean Ferry. One of them stopped and asked a guy "Excuse me. Where are the Ferries?" He told them to "Go straight." Sage advise. Too bad he wasn't giving them directions.

    Barbie and Ken Team
  • They had to cross a lake with a little Arab guy leading them across. Barbie said "I just want to pick him up and take him home in my pocket." He might be a little big to fit in your pocket. Maybe you should just...Uh-oh. Here comes Team Closet. Quick! Put him in your pocket. Team Closet will have a much more creative storage solution for him. The little Arab guy might be used to hiding in Spider Holes, but...

    The Ancient Team
  • While searching for the ferry, the old man yelled "It's probably along the water." A ferry boat on the water? No way! Maybe you should call the airport first and see how many they have available before you look in the water where all the ferries are.
  • Surreal Life: Exile Island's Amazingly Testicular Adventure

    While Tawny Kitaen continued her war against Father Time, the cast of the Amazing Race took their competition to Greece. And even though Father Time kicked her ass many years ago, like the fungus around one Survivor's crotch, Tawny refused to give up.

    Surreal Life - Live Post Op Coverage
    The cast did a live news broadcast for a local TV station. Here's how that mess turned out.

    Andrea Lowell (Playboy Model) - Andrea had a great idea - visit a winery and get liquored up before giving her news broadcast. She showed up completely hammered. Hmm. Send a hooker to a winery, guess what's going to happen? And just like any prostitute worth her $20, she performed great while intoxicated. She got so blitzed, in fact, that she was allowing strangers to fondle her breasts.
    If she'll let you grab her boob for a Budweiser, I can't imagine what she'd do for a spread in Playboy. I can take a guess. Somehow I think it involves a horny old man, a blue pill, two bottles of lube, ten years of psycho-therapy and a hell of a lot more Budweiser than she drank at the bar.

    Tawny Kitaen (Danced on top of Whitesnake's car in 80's video) - Tawny wasn't drunk for her broadcast, she was just clinically retarded. Apparently, the word "weathervane" is extremely difficult to say and she stumbled through her live interview like Steven Seagal doing Shakespeare. I'd say we're about two years away from watching Tawny shake her ass on top of a Buick in a new Poison video with a coked-up CC DeVille.

    Later, Tawny spoke to Alexis Arquette about life as a Transvestite. She seemed to be reminiscing more about the days prior to her own operation, when she used to be hot. Tawny will be appearing soon on Fox's reality show "When Post-Ops ignore their follow-up appointments."

    Alexis Arquette (Transvestite actress) - Alexis offered these pearls of wisdom:
    a) "There are many differences. There's the Transvestite, which is somebody who is really into the clothing. Then there are the Trans-genders or Trans-sexuals. That's about gender choice and not about who they have sex with." It may not be about sex, but if a surgeon lopped off my penis, I think my "Gender Choice" menu might contain fewer choices.
    b) "I don't like the whole 'Is that a girl? Is that a guy?' I just want people to know I'm a tranny. I'll always be a dual person. I'll always have both genders in me." Um, Alexis? I don't want to over-complicate things, but a boy has a pee-pee and a girl has a hoo-hoo. A tranny has a pee-pee unless it's been changed into a hoo-hoo. And then there's Tawny Kitaen's Pee-Hoo that I don't even want to get into right now.

    Alexis was kissing a guy in a bar and someone yelled out "Take him home, he has a penis too!" She turned into the Hulk and smashed up the bar - pretty much killing everyone inside. Hell, I'm afraid to even write about it. She might come after me next.


    Survivor: Exile Island - Medical Mysteries
    In the weekly Stupidity Challenge, there was one clear winner: Shane.

    Shane knew that one of the castaways was a Registered Nurse. So he inexplicably dropped his trousers in front of her and said "I need you to look at my penis."
    She pleaded with him "Can you just tell me about it? Do I have to see it?"
    "You gotta come look at it." He replied. "I can't even touch it. It hurts." Dude, when that Crazy Asian Guy offered to rub healing salve on it, maybe you should have declined.
    The nurse said "Shane has a funky thing going on with his testicles." Testicles? This dude is so stupid he can't tell his berries from his banana.
    Shane - "You see how its all red down there?"
    Nurse - "That's because it's wet all the time. You're clothes are moist. You know, like a diaper rash on a baby?"
    Shane - "It's because I've been wearing these undies for 23 days." Damn! You're lucky your balls didn't turn green and fall off.
    "How do I make it go away?"
    "Can you dry it out?" She asked.
    He tried airing it out by wagging his bare ass around. I swear I saw birds fall from the sky around him.
    Then the Anorexic with the fake boobies decided to get involved."What's wrong with them?"
    "Well, they're all red. And now he's naked."
    Then he took off his shirt and used it to dry off his red balls while the two girls watched. Hey, isn't this how most pornos start?

    What is the best way to describe Shane's "Crotch Affliction?"
    a) An old tree growing in the middle of a dank, hilly swamp
    b) Sausage link served with meatballs in a nice red sauce
    c) Sloppy Joes
    d) Alexis Arquette


    Amazing Race - Watch out for that tree!
    This week the teams traveled from Rome to Greece.

    Barbie and Ken Team- The hot blonde with the empty head made these intelligence-free comments:
    - In Greece: "We're excited to be here. This is where thinking began."
    - In Rome: "I've wanted to come here my entire life. To walk in the same places as Caesar and..." (paused as she tried to remember other famous Romans other than the Little Caesar Pizza mascot, the guy from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, and the fraternity that gang banged her at the Toga Party in college while she shot-gunned a bottle of Jack)..."um, all those other people is incredible."

    Later, Ken was trying to cheer Barbie up with this inspiring quote: "Lift up your spirit before I get pissed off." Dr. Phil should add it to his next book.

    The Ancient Team - The Camera Man that pulled the short straw was forced to cover the elderly couple. At one point during the episode, the old man drove right into a tree.
    Here is the "Camera Man Duty" rank list:
    1) Hippies - Pro = Good attitude, Con = They smell like Shane's testicles.
    2) Southern Couple - Pro = Infinite source material, Con = You may catch a stray knuckle to the face from the wife beater.
    3) Team Closet - Pro = They're clean and organized, Con = Danger of blurting out "You're both gay!" and ruining the suspense for the audience.
    4) Elderly Couple - Pro = They move slow and they're easy to keep up with, Con = You'll die in a car accident

    Southern Couple
  • While they were in Greece, the wife beater said "It ain't nearly as pretty as Italy, huh?" Yeah, and not nearly as pretty as a sunset on an Arkansas trailer park evening: The way that sunlight glints off of the steel siding, the way the pink flamingo on the hood of your hollowed out Mustang flutters in the wind like some majestic 49 cent masterpiece.

  • He yelled "So you screwed us up right off the bat." The wife got pissed and threw the map at him while he was driving. His "Beatin' Hand" swatted the map down hard. Instinctively, she raised her "Cover-my-face-to-avoid-bruising" hand. He got so frustrated that he "can't even remember my own name right now." And the wife tried to calm him down. Not in the same way she usually calms him down at home - hiding in the bushes until he passes out, calling the cops, and running around the house yelling "Please stop. I won't do it again!" - but by telling him to breathe deeply.

  • At the end of the episode, the Southern Couple was eliminated. Sigh. We'll miss them and their unique brand of southern charm. Charm that you can see if you randomly tune into an episode of Cops during a domestic dispute. Its a long plane ride home and he's got a lot of missed beatings to make up for. I just hope nobody drove off with their home while they were doing the TV show.
  • Kidney con Karma

    Sometimes we enjoy watching a hot chick run along a beach - her fake boobies bouncing around wildly like a pair of pissed off howler monkeys in a wet linen sack. And sometimes we enjoy Dr. Phil. But not this time. This time we enjoy the jiggling of two fake boobs on Survivor while two real boobs present their crappy inventions on American Inventor.


    Survivor: Exile Island - Strategy for Idiots

  • For the reward challenge, the Survivors had to carry coconuts across the beach. I thought one of the girls was carrying five coconuts, then I realized two of them were filled with silicone. She lost the challenge, even with the "Two Coconut" advantage, and was sent to Exile Island with the horny Texan. Oh well, she's safer with the Horny Texan than the Crazy Asian. Horny Texan might try to hump her, but Crazy Asian would try to kill her first.

  • One guy realized that his alliance was in trouble, so he formulated a pretty good plan. He offered to give his Immunity Idol to someone if they promised to join his alliance. Unfortunately for him, the best plans often require the other party to have an IQ just above drooling. For example, if I ask my dog to pour me a cup of coffee and clean up after herself, I receive the same reaction that he got from the other Survivors: She licks her butt and stares at me blankly.

    American Inventor - I'm okay! I landed on my head.

  • Car Armor - Crap you put on your car to keep it from denting.
    The first thing I noticed was the inventor's girlfriend. She didn't look quite right. It was that "Not-Quite-Right" look that you and I tilt our heads at, but Maury Povich and his producers whack off to. The inventor offered an explanation: While watching the sunset one night, his girlfriend fell off a 40 foot cliff. She yelled up at him "Please call for help." Instead of calling for help, he threw his jacket down to her. The cell phone was inside the jacket. Woops.

    After the judges threw him out, he got upset and yelled "We put $15,000 into this invention and that's money we don't have." Somehow, that line didn't surprise me.

    He turned to his girlfriend and said the most romantic line in TV history:
    "I'm glad you asked me to do this. You mean the world to me. You take me to my doctor's appointments. Every day you take out my medicine and in the morning you help with my neck traction. I love you."
    If my wife is reading this, don't worry about the medicine, the doctor's appointments or the neck traction. Just keep changing my diapers. Love ya, honey.

  • Coffee Ring - Portable Brewing System. The inventor was an unemployed San Francisco resident. One of the judges asked him 'What have you given up for this?"
    He answered "I gave up my marriage and a kidney." They asked him why he gave up a kidney and he replied "I gave it up for Karma. It made me feel valid. My son needs a hero."

    Welcome to San Francisco, judges! None of them could believe this guy's attitude as he stood there with his 8 year old son. The British judge actually tried to reason with him. He told him to stop inventing and focus on his kid. I smiled at my TV. Silly Brit. I thought. You're in the Land of Entitlement now.
    Sure enough, even after they told him that his invention sucked he defiantly stated "I'm just going to continue what I'm doing. This is me. I'm an inventor." Uh-huh. How come nobody ever says "I'm just going to continue what I'm doing. This is me. I'm unemployable."
  • Mass Graves Discovered on Exile Island

    Future episode of Survivor - While digging a hole on the beach, one of the cast members unearths a mass grave filled with people wearing Survivor buffs. Exile Island's dirty little secret - A tombstone marked "Unsuccessful Seasons."

    Survivor: Exile Island - My machete fights plaque, too.

  • On Day 15 the two stupidest tribes in Survivor history finally merged and named themselves "Gitanos" - spanish for Gypsies. I guess they couldn't find a Spanish word for "Idiots that would starve to death or die of Dysentery if it wasn't for the camera crew and the potentially bad publicity facing CBS."

  • Immunity Challenge = Hang From Pole. If you fall off the pole, you lose. Finally! I wondered how long it would take before the producers abandoned the "Intelligence-Based Challenges." Unless your idea of entertainment is watching a monkey fling poop at the camera while working on a puzzle, then watching these contestants try to problem solve has just been plain sad. They went from "Explain Einstein's theory of relativity" to "Man hang from tree long time." Next week's challenge will be "Who can take the most shovel hits to the forehead?" Followed by "Man hit in groin with coconut."

  • I guess its easy to mistake your toothbrush for a machete, because the Crazy Asian Guy chipped his tooth with one. The tribe seemed concerned about the amount of blood streaming from his mouth. But he just smiled a big bloody grin and said "Don't worry. I had a tooth come through my nipple once." Creepy. I guess he said this to make sure everyone knew he was okay. It would have made me pick up the machete and finish the job, but I'm not the one trapped on a small island with him.


    The Amazing Race

    Hippy Humor
    The hippies were tasked with finding a colored ticket. However, the ticket was hidden amongst a ton of clean laundry. I repeat - Clean Laundry. Hippies. Red Alert! Here are my observations:
    1) Does clean laundry stink to hippies the way dirty laundry stinks to humans?
    2) They've sorted through other people's clean laundry in the past. The only difference is this time they're not searching for spare change and bits of food.
    3) Watching Hippies sort through clean laundry is like watching the host of National Geographic interact with a tribe of pygmies that have never seen a white man before. Uncomfortable, yet fascinating.
    4) I kept waiting for one of the hippies to say "Hey Check it out! These people bought their underwear without the cool racing stripe down the center."
    5) Clean Laundry is to Hippies what
    a) Oil is to Water
    b) an axe is to a tree
    c) a script is to Uwe Boll.
    d) a vagina is to a Teletubby

    Mr. Pimp collects Team Prostitute
    Alas, Team Prostitute has been eliminated from the race. I have prepared a eulogy for them:

    Like the hot chick in a snuff film, the end was inevitable. We wave goodbye to America's most famous reality show prostitutes. But don't cry for them. They've made a few bucks here and there and learned many valuable lessons - Gargle with salt water to clear up the sores, check the currency rate of the Deutchmark before agreeing to anal sex, and the Free Clinic in Brazil is nicer than the one in Germany. But for conversation, nothing beats the clinics in the good ol' USA.

    Goodbye girls. Your saliva may have transferred the Clap, but it also transferred warmth and love. Do not ask for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for your shot of penicillin. And though you'll be missed by health departments across the globe, you are not forgotten. The new strain of Herpes in Brazil and the resistant form of Gonorrhea you left in Russia will carry on your legacy.
  • Which one is the Transvestite, and which one is Tawny Kitaen?

    Is that pesky bulge in your pants discouraging you from becoming a chick? Are you an unappreciated multi-lingual hippy? Did you just yell "Yes!" to both of these questions? Then read on, mein freund. This pre-op's for you.

    The Surreal Life - Meet the Cast

  • Andrea Lowell (Playboy Model) - She only poses nude in "Classy" magazines and describes herself as a "G-Rated nude model" If nudity is Rated G, then I guess sex photos are PG, Anal is PG-13, Snuff Films are R and Morgue Porn is NC-17.

  • Florence Henderson (Mrs. Brady) - She may have been born during the Civil War, but she's still hot. Mrs. Brady approached the Playboy model and said "I have underwear older than you." Hmm. She may have them, but unless Depends counts as underwear, she ain't wearing them.

  • Tawny Kitaen (Danced on top of Whitesnake's car in 80's video) - Definitely a scam. No way this is the same girl from that music video. Her face might have gotten pinned underneath the tire of Whitesnake's car, but she never shook her ass on it.

    During the episode, she had to read a newspaper out loud. This task proved to be quite a challenge because she struggled with every word - unfair words like "Was" and "The." It sounded like Helen Keller saying "Water."

  • Alexis Arquette (Transvestite actress) - Alexis has 2 great quotes:
    1) "Once I realized that Andrea is a Playboy Model, I thought 'Wow, now I've got some competition around here.'" Um, no. Unless the Playboy Model grew a penis, I think you still have the monopoly.
    2) "I'm removing my genitalia. So if anyone wants a last chance at this piece..." Can't you just keep it in a jar next to your bed in case you get lonely?

  • CC DeVille (Guitarist from the rock group "Poison") - If every rose has a thorn, then every Glam Rocker from the 80s spent the 90's in rehab. In fact, he told the group that he came straight to the show from the Rehab Clinic that very morning. God bless VH1. With all the booze in the house, Mama's Fallen Angel should be nothin' but a good time for the rest of the season.

    One of the girls made the comment "I don't mind sharing a bedroom with him. Hanging out with CC is like hanging out with a chick." If by "Chick" you mean someone that would cut your throat in the middle of the night for a gram of coke, then yes.


    The Amazing Race - German Hippies
    One of the hippies practiced his German language skills on a hot blonde Frau. He said "I would like to go dancing with you." in German. The blonde smiled and replied "That's very nice of you." At least, that's what the subtitles claimed she said. I know a little German, and I could have sworn she said "Back under the bridge with you, dirty hippy."
  • More wife beatin' fun than you can shake a magic stick at!

    Swimming hippies on the Amazing Race and hot soap-on-booby action in this week's Survivor. Also, American Inventor debuted and showed viewers what happens when you misinterpret the "American Dream" to mean "Quit my job, live in Mom's basement and pray that someone gives me a million dollars for my sweet 'Ass Cleanser' invention."


    Survivor: Exile Island - The First 13 Days
    Recap show. Only a few nuggets of joy in this one.

    One tribe was so desperate for water that they were literally sucking it off leaves after a torrential downpour. The blonde chick sucked off so many leaves it looked like a Gang Bang. In a weary voice, she said that they were all thirsty and some of them hadn't had water in 4 days. Um, what the hell did you think was falling from the sky when it was raining? Sand?

    The producers of the show provided a bar of soap to one of the tribes. The audience was treated to a pair of hot babes lathering each other up in the ocean. Also, a gratuitous scene of the hottest chick rubbing the bar of soap between her large fake boobies. I use the word "Gratuitous" only because of the extra 45 minutes I spent wearing out the Forward and Reverse buttons on my TiVo remote.


    Amazing Race - "I fall down the stairs a lot."

    1) Southern Couple
    The Wife Beater continued to get more frustrated with his woman. Woman not talk back. Woman please man. Mongo smash! Mr. Camera Man better stick to them like Hillbilly Glue. Otherwise, this chick is toast.

    For their challenge, they received a note that said "Get ready to take the plunge."
    The husband commanded his wife to do the task. She replied, very awkwardly. "But I might have to get naked." The Dumbass looked at her and said "So what?"

    So what? Dude, what do you mean "So what?" Here's "What". Do you really want millions of viewers to see those giant bruises on your wife's back? Look, there's a reason I wear long-sleeved shirts and never go swimming in public. I mean...oops. Did I really write that? What I meant to say was that I'm really clumsy. I fall down a lot. And I know my wife loves me - its just that I make her so mad sometimes. Um. Hmm. Okay...Let's just move on, shall we?

    2) Team Prostitute meets Team Closet
    Looks like the team of hookers have finally found themselves a couple of Johns. Too bad these Johns prefer Richards.

    Team Closet, the two "Available" and "Totally Straight" guys, spent some camera time hugging and kissing Team Prostitute. The next morning, instead of rushing to the Free Clinic for some penicillin, they continued the race.

    Best "Come-on. If-I-was-really-gay-would-I-do-THIS?" moment:
    Team Prostitute and Team Closet met at the bus station. One of the guys said "You look good today. But what's with all those little stickers on your shirt?"
    "What stickers?" she asked.
    "Here, I'll get it." He leaned in, grabbed her breast and bit it. Smooth.

    3) Hippies
    One of the smelly Hippies jumped into a pool. I can only imagine how difficult this was for him. Everyone knows that Hippies fear water. Other well known Hippy fears include a) Rational Discourse, b) Soap, c) Personal Accountability and d) Employment.


    American Inventor - The password is "Katrina"
    First of all, this show is a total American Idol rip-off. And I love it.

    One of the "Inventors" showed off a Walk Buddy. This is a magical stick that wards off lions, bears and muggers. Great quote: "The judges told me that this Walk Buddy wouldn't work in New York because there aren't any bears. But there's bears in Alaska." True. I'd much rather have my "Magic Stick" than my "Magic Gun" handy when I get attacked. Much more efficient for fighting back when the bear rips open my belly and drops my intestines into the snow with its "Magic Paws"

    Oh sappiness. One guy showed off a giant "Sandbag Shovel." Apparently, he sold his house to pay for the invention. Since the invention cost $20k, I can only guess that he owned a house in my neighborhood. What does the "Sandbag Shovel" do? it picks up sand. No way this one gets approved.

    Uh-oh. Someone queued up the sappy music. The inventor's eyes welled up and he sobbed like a child. He mumbled on about how his invention could be used in Natural Disasters for flood relief and sandbagging. Still no dice, guy. Take a walk. Suddenly he muttered the Magic Word:

    "Katrina."

    Time stood still. He used the word "Katrina" several more times in broken sentences. The judges started bawling and gushing about what a disaster Hurricane Katrina was and maybe if they'd had more Sandbag Shovels, things would have been different. Blah, blah blah. Bottom Line: He's in.

    Later, someone displayed a "Solar Powered Cooler." Looked like the judges were ready to say No, and then...
    "It could have been used during Hurricane Katrina to supply power." Oops. Spoke to soon. We have a winner!

    Next time they come to San Francisco for auditions, I'm going to fish a lump of stool out of my toilet and put it in a sandwich bag. I'll present it to the judges, sob quietly, and say "Al Quadia. Nine Eleven. Kosovo. Bird Flu." until they start bawling and declare my "Invention" a winner.

    Here is the best America could come up with for the 2 hour season premiere: Edible Snowglobe, Tree Pruner, Exercise Equipment, Shovel and a Cooler. Believe it or not, the Ass Cleanser only lost by one vote.
    You'll see me on the show soon with my "Portable Stool in Convenient Sandwich Bag". Wish me luck!

    "Shut up, dude. We're totally straight."

    Swimming hippies on the Amazing Race and hot soap-on-booby action in this week's Survivor. Also, American Inventor debuted and showed viewers what happens when you misinterpret the "American Dream" to mean "Quit my job, live in Mom's basement and pray that someone gives me a million dollars for my sweet 'Ass Cleanser' invention."


    Survivor: Exile Island - The First 13 Days
    Recap show. Only a few nuggets of joy in this one.

    One tribe was so desperate for water that they were literally sucking it off leaves after a torrential downpour. The blonde chick sucked off so many leaves it looked like a Gang Bang. In a weary voice, she said that they were all thirsty and some of them hadn't had water in 4 days. Um, what the hell did you think was falling from the sky when it was raining? Sand?

    The producers of the show provided a bar of soap to one of the tribes. The audience was treated to a pair of hot babes lathering each other up in the ocean. Also, a gratuitous scene of the hottest chick rubbing the bar of soap between her large fake boobies. I use the word "Gratuitous" only because of the extra 45 minutes I spent wearing out the Forward and Reverse buttons on my TiVo remote.


    Amazing Race - "I fall down the stairs a lot."

    1) Southern Couple
    The Wife Beater continued to get more frustrated with his woman. Woman not talk back. Woman please man. Mongo smash! Mr. Camera Man better stick to them like Hillbilly Glue. Otherwise, this chick is toast.

    For their challenge, they received a note that said "Get ready to take the plunge."
    The husband commanded his wife to do the task. She replied, very awkwardly. "But I might have to get naked." The Dumbass looked at her and said "So what?"

    So what? Dude, what do you mean "So what?" Here's "What". Do you really want millions of viewers to see those giant bruises on your wife's back? Look, there's a reason I wear long-sleeved shirts and never go swimming in public. I mean...oops. Did I really write that? What I meant to say was that I'm really clumsy. I fall down a lot. And I know my wife loves me - its just that I make her so mad sometimes. Um. Hmm. Okay...Let's just move on, shall we?

    2) Team Prostitute meets Team Closet
    Looks like the team of hookers have finally found themselves a couple of Johns. Too bad these Johns prefer Richards.

    Team Closet, the two "Available" and "Totally Straight" guys, spent some camera time hugging and kissing Team Prostitute. The next morning, instead of rushing to the Free Clinic for some penicillin, they continued the race.

    Best "Come-on. If-I-was-really-gay-would-I-do-THIS?" moment:
    Team Prostitute and Team Closet met at the bus station. One of the guys said "You look good today. But what's with all those little stickers on your shirt?"
    "What stickers?" she asked.
    "Here, I'll get it." He leaned in, grabbed her breast and bit it. Smooth.

    3) Hippies
    One of the smelly Hippies jumped into a pool. I can only imagine how difficult this was for him. Everyone knows that Hippies fear water. Other well known Hippy fears include a) Rational Discourse, b) Soap, c) Personal Accountability and d) Employment.


    American Inventor - The password is "Katrina"
    First of all, this show is a total American Idol rip-off. And I love it.

    One of the "Inventors" showed off a Walk Buddy. This is a magical stick that wards off lions, bears and muggers. Great quote: "The judges told me that this Walk Buddy wouldn't work in New York because there aren't any bears. But there's bears in Alaska." True. I'd much rather have my "Magic Stick" than my "Magic Gun" handy when I get attacked. Much more efficient for fighting back when the bear rips open my belly and drops my intestines into the snow with its "Magic Paws"

    Oh sappiness. One guy showed off a giant "Sandbag Shovel." Apparently, he sold his house to pay for the invention. Since the invention cost $20k, I can only guess that he owned a house in my neighborhood. What does the "Sandbag Shovel" do? it picks up sand. No way this one gets approved.

    Uh-oh. Someone queued up the sappy music. The inventor's eyes welled up and he sobbed like a child. He mumbled on about how his invention could be used in Natural Disasters for flood relief and sandbagging. Still no dice, guy. Take a walk. Suddenly he muttered the Magic Word:

    "Katrina."

    Time stood still. He used the word "Katrina" several more times in broken sentences. The judges started bawling and gushing about what a disaster Hurricane Katrina was and maybe if they'd had more Sandbag Shovels, things would have been different. Blah, blah blah. Bottom Line: He's in.

    Later, someone displayed a "Solar Powered Cooler." Looked like the judges were ready to say No, and then...
    "It could have been used during Hurricane Katrina to supply power." Oops. Spoke to soon. We have a winner!

    Next time they come to San Francisco for auditions, I'm going to fish a lump of stool out of my toilet and put it in a sandwich bag. I'll present it to the judges, sob quietly, and say "Al Quadia. Nine Eleven. Kosovo. Bird Flu." until they start bawling and declare my "Invention" a winner.

    Here is the best America could come up with for the 2 hour season premiere: Edible Snowglobe, Tree Pruner, Exercise Equipment, Shovel and a Cooler. Believe it or not, the Ass Cleanser only lost by one vote.
    You'll see me on the show soon with my "Portable Stool in Convenient Sandwich Bag". Wish me luck!Oh, wacky reality TV. Thou art wonderful.
    During an interview this week, Donald Trump said, "She does have a very nice figure. I've said if Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her." By the way, Ivanka is Russian for "She who has creepiest father in village."

    Survivor: Exile Island - "Mommy, there's a monkey wearing a space suit under my bed."
    As a reward, the tribe visited a small fishing village for a "Traditional Island Barbecue." Sadly, when they used the word "Traditional", it didn't imply that they would be thrown into a giant pot by the natives and cooked into a fine stew.

    Shane, a smoker that tried to quit "cold-turkey" when the show began, saw one of the villagers smoking a cigarette. Shane had the same look on his face that my dog gets whenever I drop bacon on the floor. He got up and walked toward the villager. In the next scene, Shane was smoking. I'm not sure what kind of deal he made with the villager to get the cigarette, but the fact that he was favoring his knees, sobbing and wearing less clothing might give you some hint.

  • For the Immunity Challenge, the ex-NASA Astronaut needed to put together a puzzle. By the time the other team had finished and claimed their reward, he was still trying to figure out where the first piece went. One of his tribe remarked "How do we lose a puzzle challenge when we've got a NASA engineer on our team?"
    Before he lost the challenge, he was bragging about flying in the space shuttle on several missions. Question for NASA: Do all the chimpanzees you guys send into space brag this much? Or just this one?


    Amazing Race - Get out of my closet!
    The episode began in Brazil. For those of you unfamiliar with Brazil, it's that other country that still watches soccer.

  • Weekly Sign of Domestic Violence - When the southern couple finished a task, the husband jumped in the air, pounded his chest and yelled "Hell yeah!" What did his wife do? She flinched and instinctively covered up her face.
    Later, they were lost on the streets of Brazil. While he was driving, the husband snapped at his wife "Do NOT expect me to ask directions. i am done with Spanish." She hurried to correct him: "It's Portuguese, honey." Uh-oh. She might as well have said "Please hit me harder this time." Ah, the lips may say "Portuguese," but when the cameras shut off, her broken arm will say "Spanish."

  • Team Prostitute once again demonstrated how light and empty their heads are. One of the hookers volunteered to climb a tall building and rappel all the way down. When she made it to the top, she cried hysterically and admitted that she was afraid of heights. She said that she underestimated the building's size. Much like the time Ron Jeremy gave her forty bucks in the back of a van.

  • The smelly hippies were wearing matching pants. When did hippies decide to wear uniforms? Is there a hippy school in San Francisco that requires all students to wear bright orange pants? You must bathe no more than once a week and shaving is not encouraged.

  • The big question of the night revolved around the Mimbos. America wants to know. Are you or aren't you? Here are five team highlights from this week's episode to help you make up your mind:

    1) "Oh my God! I just told that guy he had a nice butt." After mistaking a Briazilian Transvestite for a hot chick.

    2) "You look amazing, buddy!" He yelled while watching his partner rappel off a building directly above him.

    3) After slapping a girl's ass to prove his masculinity, one of them said "Too bad she has a boyfriend." Ten minutes later he slapped his "partner" on the butt as well. OOPS! Mr. Camera Man wasn't supposed to catch that one.

    4) Speaking about Team Prostitute: "I hope our girls don't get eliminated. Then what are we going to do? Hook up with Hippies?" Only if you can stand the smell.

    5) At the end of the show, the host ripped open a huge can of worms. He looked at the two of them and said "You both seem to be thinking a lot about the opposite sex." They seemed surprised by the comment and replied "That's what we do." Uh-huh. Go ahead and finish that sentence dude. What you meant to say was "That's what we do when we want to last longer."
  • Survivor, the Race and Apprentice, oh my!

    Survivor: Exile Island

  • One team is awarded a sack of beans. Reality magic ensues when the camp gets deathly ill after eating them. One of the geniuses remarks "Maybe we didn't cook the beans thoroughly enough." Another says that he is "Suffering at both ends." Yuck.

  • Bobby sneaks into the outhouse with the crazy Asian guy. They spend the entire night drinking up all of the tribe's wine. Yes, I said he went inside with another guy. Seems like Bobby was drunk and mistook the outhouse for the Rest Stop he usually frequents on the the highway.

    The quote of the night comes from Crazy Asian Guy at Tribal Counsel - "I ended up sleeping in the outhouse that night. I went in there and tried to get comfortable. About an hour later, there's a knock on the door and Bobby shows up with a bottle of wine. It's 2 or 3 in the morning and my butt's sore and I said 'I could use a drink.'"

  • Apparently, if I ask you to swear on my child's life instead of your own it carries more weight. In order to make sure he can completely trust Bobby, Shane demands that Bobby "Swear on my child's life."

    Later on in the episode somebody calls him on it "Wait a minute. You made him swear on YOUR child's life?" He says "Yes", but he might as well have said "Duh."


    Amazing Race - Week One

  • Meet the teams:
    1) Southern spouses
    2) Prostitutes
    3) Stinky San Francisco hippies
    4) Long distance relationship
    5) Gay couple
    6) Confrontational Daters
    7) Mimbos
    8) Post-Menopausal Sisters
    9) Old farts
    10) Mother/Daughter
    11) Socially awkward couple

  • Oh my God, Hippies!!! And what a shock, they're from San Francisco. One of the hippies is named BJ. Ironically, this is what I was calling him before they revealed his name. I was wrong about the other hippy. His name isn't Douchebag.

  • Southern married couple could be excellent TV material. Any time the wife is speaking to the camera, she talks about "knowing her role" and "serving her husband". During the first 15 minutes of the show, he already looks like he's going to punch her. I'm waiting for the episode where he whispers "Could y'all turn off that there camera for a minute so's I kin give mah wife her beatin', please?"

  • How many hookers does it take to build a motorcycle? Apparently more than two. At one point, the task calls for the prostitutes to build a bike from scratch. When they arrive at the garage and see what's involved in this particular task, they do the same thing they do whenever their Johns refuse to pay - They leave and go on to the next one.

  • The Southern Couple also takes on the task of building the motorcycle. The husband yells to his submissive wife "Do not second guess me!" then proceeds to complete the construction of the motorcycle by himself. A big wife-beatin' grin appears on his face and he predictably pounds his chest like an inbred Wookie.

  • Have you heard this one? Two gay guys get lost on the streets of Brazil. Um, that's all I got.

  • Uh-oh. One of the post-menopausal sisters states "I want to unsheathe my womanhood." For the love of God, sheathe. Please, sheathe.

  • I know they are supposed to have their wallets, money and all personal items confiscated prior to the start of the race, but I have a request. If any of the show's producers are reading this, I'm begging you to equip each of these mental midgets with a pocket Thesaurus. At a minimum, can you bleep the words "Awesome" and "Beautiful?" Maybe eliminate any contestant that uses either of these words more than 10 times in one episode? When I use the word "Eliminate" in that sentence, Roget's Thesaurus offers these alternatives: terminate, slay, omit, eradicate, extinguish and erase. Any of these would be acceptable.

  • Post-menopausal woman gets into a cab in Brazil and says "Hondole' Por Favor." Her sister says, "Um..He speaks Portuguese." The other sister responds "Isn't that the same thing?"

  • The Ancient Ones, or the token elderly spouses, get stuck on a bridge and are unable to locate the next clue - even though its inside a box directly in front of them. They lean on the box, pass it about a dozen times and watch team after team find and retrieve their clues. Finally, the box rises out of the ground and pummels the old lady about the head until she sees it.
    Quote of the night supplied by the elderly wife: "It must not have been there before."


    Apprentice - Week 1

  • The weather is bad, so Trump makes the comment "It's very, very windy out here today. So at least we've all learned that I do have real hair." Dude, you checked the forecast, saw that it was windy and slapped on twice as much Elmer's. Still not fooling anyone.

  • As Caroline continues to get hotter and sexier every season, George continues to look sleepier and older. Is Caroline a Succubus?

  • Quote of the Night - Dumb blond on chopping block: "What I contributed to this team were not things that everyone could see."

  • The Project Manager of note this week is a member of Mensa. This means that if I was alone in a room with him I would be considered Clinically Retarded. For his task, he gave out 400 Gift Bags at Sam's Club in order to get people to buy memberships. Can you guess what was in the Gift Bag? Nothing. Get it? The Gift was an empty Bag. Brilliant! I would have put something inside, but that's why I clean toilets for Mensa's local chapter.

  • Brent is an attorney. He's significantly overweight and makes Trump's hair look human by comparison. He's tasked with flying in the Good Year Blimp to advertise Sam's Club. Yes, I said "IN" the blimp.

  • I keep waiting for the Russian dude to yell "What a Country!"
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