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Monday, April 3, 2006

Drunken Thoughts - Week of 3/27/06

  • Sadly, Anna and NY Met's pitcher Kris Benson have finally split up. Anna Benson was the chick that promised to bang the entire NY Mets organization (including groundskeepers) if Kris ever cheated on her.
    Please choose from the following bad puns:
    a) Kris Benson's Knuckleballs sucked.
    b) Anna's strike zone was the largest in the Majors.
    c) He liked going high and inside. Sometimes the balls would hit her chin.
    d) He just couldn't last into later innings.
    e) To keep the balls warm on cold nights he had to rub them too much.
    f) He always got pulled off the Mound and replaced with a young latino guy.

  • A college kid hung out in a Wal-Mart for 41 hours straight before an employee finally noticed him. He should have attempted this stunt at the DMV. He'd still be there.

  • The Dakota Sioux Indians are worried about the loss of their language and culture. To remedy this, they've started a Scrabble Tournament. The Scrabble Dictionary was revised to their language. I suggest they change the rules as well. Fifty-point words should now include "C-A-S-I-N-O", "T-E-E-P-E-E", and any combination of "ME SMOKUM PEACE PIPE."

  • The Malaysian Government opened a string of Drive-Thru Massage Parlors. This is supposed to reduce car accidents. Here is a typical drive-thru transaction:

    CASHIER - Welcome to Massage Hut. May I take your order?"
    ME - Um. Yeah. Do you guys still have the "Neck Rub Glory Hole" combo?
    CASHIER - Yes, sir. What flavor Glory Hole do you want?
    ME - Um. What are the choices?
    CASHIER - We have Regular and Extra Crispy.
    ME - Regular. And those Glory Holes are female, right?
    CASHIER - Sorry, sir. I can't give away the secret recipe.
    ME - Oh, okay. Can I get oil with my neck rub?
    CASHIER - That will be an additional 39 cents.
    ME - Um, okay.
    CASHIER - Did you want to Supersize it for an additional 24 cents?
    ME - What would I get?
    CASHIER - Neck Massage with oil, Regular Glory Hole, Happy Ending and a cigarette.
    ME - Oh, okay. I'll take that one. But I don't think I need the Happy Ending if I'm getting the Glory Hole.
    CASHIER - It comes with the Massage.
    ME - Alright. Are there free refills on the Glory Hole?
    CASHIER - Refills are free with purchase of any fake American passport. Will this be for here or to go?