Official Website of Author Jason Beymer

Rogue's Curse and Nether available in all e-formats

Wednesday, March 1, 2006

Elmo

I enjoy reading books to my daughter, but man am I getting tired of the same crap over and over again.

There are many books that I take pleasure in reading to Elena, but alas, these are not her favorites. My daughter loves Elmo. You know Elmo, right? He's that red puppet with ratty red fur - Looks like some chick used him for feminine hygienic aid one too many times.

If I have to read "Elmo is SOO Big" one more time, I'm taking a trip down to Sesame Street with a shotgun looking like Michael Douglas in Falling Down - just a bigger waistline. "Do you know the way to Sesame Street you little red bastard?"

On the way, I'll stop in Tele-tubby land, take away their welfare checks and tell them all to get real jobs. Four retarded midgets and a possessed vacuum cleaner living together with no supervision and a "Magic Toaster" as the only source of food. Shameful.

Then its on to 64 Zoo Lane where I can remind all those stupid zoo animals that they are natural predators and don't have to let an 8 year old girl make them tell stories all night. She is meat, you morons. Next time she slides down the Giraffe's neck, tell the Lion to be waiting with his mouth open at the bottom.

Goodnight moon, goodnight room, goodnight old lady whispering hush - finger and paw-berry, my berry your berry - and the driver on the bus says "Get your ass on the floor and nobody gets hurt!" Brown bear, brown bear what do you see? I see deep in the 100 acre wood, that's what I see.

Yes, I've gone quite mad. I'd like to see you read "Brown Bear, Brown Bear, what do you see?" forty five times a day and still maintain your sanity. In the immortal words of Elmo in "So Big!" - a delightful classic that grows on you with each reading - "Baby Elmo drinks from a cup. Baby Elmo takes a bite. Baby Elmo stands up tall. Baby Elmo holds on tight. " Strong words. Valuable words. Heed them well and they will provide comfort and direction in your life.

But, if you can spare a moment in your day, please shed a tear or two, knowing that I have been beaten - my spirit, broken - by a talking tampon. I think it broke somewhere around the 545th reading of "So Big!". Not sure now. I grow numb.

No comments:

Post a Comment