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Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Survivor: Exile Island's New Gimmick

As usual, I'm watching Survivor every Thursday night like a good citizen. This show has used gimmicks before to keep it fresh (men vs. women, previous cast members returning, fake relationships, hidden immunity idols) but this time they have found the Money Gimmick. And I'm not talking about the lame "Exile Island" bit.

Plain and simple: This may be the stupidest cast in the history of Survivor. And, quite possibly, in the history of reality TV. I don't want to short change the IQ pool from the Bachelor (notably, the Bob season where the women fell madly in love with him before even meeting the dude). But here we are, only a few episodes in and already the morons are jockeying for position for the title of Stupidest Survivor Ever.

  • One guy is a smoker and seems to have gone "Cold Turkey" in order to appear on the show. Gee, you mean they wouldn't let you smoke on Survivor? Think about it; anyone going Cold Turkey on a reality show is a ratings bonanza. The only exception is an alcoholic. Here's a tip to any dope on Survivor with a drinking problem: Ask to meet with the producers and tell them you're an alcoholic. If you do this, I personally guarantee that you will have a beer in your hand and a reserve in your back pocket before you even finish your sentence . Nothing makes reality TV work like an open bar. Believe me, if liquor didn't exist, NONE of these reality shows would be worth a damn.

    If you don't believe me think of Cops. How many episodes of Cops have you seen where the police arrest someone sober? Exactly.

  • Crazy old Asian guy seems to know everything about wilderness survival. When the tribe arrives in camp, his first goal is to locate drinking water. The rest of the tribe wants to build a fire first. The idea being that fire is necessary for boiling any water they intend to drink. Asian dude tells this sad collection of idiots that there is no need to boil the water. He just needs them to provide "Three T-shirts" to act as a filtration system. MacGyver-san says that this will filter out nearly all of the bacteria. The tribe believes him and they quickly abandon the idea of building a fire in favor of drinking sweaty, contaminated water. If I'm going to drink raw sewage filtered through someone's disgusting t-shirt, can it at least be the disgusting t-shirt that the hot blond chick is wearing?

  • At the first Tribal Counsel, the woman who found food, shelter, organized the tribe and the only one capable of making fire, gets kicked off because, according to the tribe-mates that booted her: "We would have figured it out on our own eventually." Evidently, their idea of "Figuring it out" is to sunbathe on the beach and complain about the bad attitude of the person doing all the work.

  • Dumb blonde loses the tribe's only fishing spear then giggles about it with the big, strong men. "Tee-hee. That was stupid, huh?" Yes.

  • For the reward challenge, one of the tribes wins the luxury of a bathroom: an outhouse with toilet paper. When the tribe receives the outhouse, they stand around and examine it closely. One of them suggests that before using the brand new toilet, maybe they should discuss better ways of utilizing the commode. The tribe already had a make-shift bathroom set up in the trees and didn't really need another one. Maybe they could keep the firewood dry by storing it inside the port-a-potty? Others catch on and contribute their ideas as well. They are finally working together as a team. While they are discussing options, one of the tribe members announces "I gotta drop a Duce." then proceeds to take a crap in the new outhouse. Oh well, meeting adjourned!

  • In the first few days on the island, the hippy blond girl finds a turtle on the beach. The hippy sobs and has a meltdown. No clue why she gets so emotionally distraught, especially since the turtle is just chillin' and seems quite relaxed. Maybe the show's producers confiscated her pot stash when she arrived on the island (see "Cold Turkey" above). The hippy draws a big heart around the turtle in the sand to show her love for nature. Guess what? When Day 14 comes and none of you have eaten since Day 2 you'll pray that the turtle is still asleep in its cute little heart on the beach, just so you can sneak up behind it and suck out the meaty insides of that shell like a Hoover.
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