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Tuesday, February 28, 2006

If life worked like Warcraft...

I'm addicted to the World of Warcraft, one of those massive-multiplayer-online PC games like Everquest. I often wonder how different the real world would be if it ran on a Warcraft Server - if our world operated the same way as it does in the video game.

  • There are no prisons. Anyone caught breaking the law will be dealt with quickly and efficiently. They won't be allowed to drain the taxpayer's money with lengthy appeals. They won't spend their life getting three hot meals a day, exercise and a healthy sexual lifestyle. in the World of Warcraft they will simply be "Deleted: for violating the Terms of Use."


  • All races get along. They have banded together against a common enemy known as the Horde. The Horde is like Al Qaida, only rational.


  • All natural resources replenish themselves every five minutes. For example: If I mine for silver and completely tap out the vein, I only need to wait five minutes to start mining it again. Bye bye foreign oil dependency!


  • There is no need to poop, pee, eat or drink unless you want to.


  • There are no bathrooms anywhere. Watch your step.


  • I am rewarded for killing others.


  • If I get killed, my spirit regenerates at the nearest cemetery where I simply need to find my corpse in order to come back to life. If somebody hides my corpse while I'm trying to locate it, I'm pretty much screwed.


  • There is always someone within earshot yelling "LEROY JENKINS!". As a response to this, you will hear one person laughing and one person saying "That's not funny anymore." If you are not familiar with the "Leroy Jenkins" reference, you will not function well in society. This two-word phrase has replaced the words "Hello" and "How are you?" in everyday life.


  • You can't walk anywhere without someone asking for spare silver.


  • 90% of the hot chicks you meet are not actually female.


  • No, the hot chick you had cyber-sex with was not one of the 10%. Sorry dude.


  • There are a LOT of lazy people. Most townfolk will give you a "Quest" to perform for them. This might include, go to the liquor store and buy me some beer, cigarettes and a nudy magazine. If you accept then you'll be pissed off when you get to the liquor store and find that there's already a line 200 people deep waiting to do the exact same "Quest."


  • The "Socially Awkward" shall rule the world. Darwin's Theory has been discredited by the world's top scientist - SpockKirkScotty13.


  • If you're twelve years old and a Priest asks you to join him for some "adventures in a cave", it's usually safe. However, if he wants to take you camping, respectfully decline and run like hell.


  • Every Tuesday morning, the world is shut down for maintenance. This is the time to do your bills, bathe, come out of your mother's basement, or just relax and remind yourself what the sun looks like.


  • Sexual activity is complicated. The best-selling book "Joy of Warcraft Sex" offers these helpful tips:

    The male should equip himself with the Cape of Stamina and the Cod-piece of the Horse prior to any sexual activity. He should also have the Potion of Invisibility handy in case a quick exit becomes necessary.

    Most importantly, he should always remember to drink the Elixir of Blindness before attempting penetration. In the event that the Elixir of Blindness wears off during intercourse, he must close his eyes and ask the female to kindly drink the Potion of Invisibility. Otherwise, he may come to find out that the big-breasted female he brought home with him is really a 300 pound unwashed computer programmer from Detroit with five day's growth and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.


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    This is also posted on Fanboy Planet in a much nicer format.

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