Official Website of Author Jason Beymer

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Tuesday, February 28, 2006

If life worked like Warcraft...

I'm addicted to the World of Warcraft, one of those massive-multiplayer-online PC games like Everquest. I often wonder how different the real world would be if it ran on a Warcraft Server - if our world operated the same way as it does in the video game.

  • There are no prisons. Anyone caught breaking the law will be dealt with quickly and efficiently. They won't be allowed to drain the taxpayer's money with lengthy appeals. They won't spend their life getting three hot meals a day, exercise and a healthy sexual lifestyle. in the World of Warcraft they will simply be "Deleted: for violating the Terms of Use."

  • All races get along. They have banded together against a common enemy known as the Horde. The Horde is like Al Qaida, only rational.

  • All natural resources replenish themselves every five minutes. For example: If I mine for silver and completely tap out the vein, I only need to wait five minutes to start mining it again. Bye bye foreign oil dependency!

  • There is no need to poop, pee, eat or drink unless you want to.

  • There are no bathrooms anywhere. Watch your step.

  • I am rewarded for killing others.

  • If I get killed, my spirit regenerates at the nearest cemetery where I simply need to find my corpse in order to come back to life. If somebody hides my corpse while I'm trying to locate it, I'm pretty much screwed.

  • There is always someone within earshot yelling "LEROY JENKINS!". As a response to this, you will hear one person laughing and one person saying "That's not funny anymore." If you are not familiar with the "Leroy Jenkins" reference, you will not function well in society. This two-word phrase has replaced the words "Hello" and "How are you?" in everyday life.

  • You can't walk anywhere without someone asking for spare silver.

  • 90% of the hot chicks you meet are not actually female.

  • No, the hot chick you had cyber-sex with was not one of the 10%. Sorry dude.

  • There are a LOT of lazy people. Most townfolk will give you a "Quest" to perform for them. This might include, go to the liquor store and buy me some beer, cigarettes and a nudy magazine. If you accept then you'll be pissed off when you get to the liquor store and find that there's already a line 200 people deep waiting to do the exact same "Quest."

  • The "Socially Awkward" shall rule the world. Darwin's Theory has been discredited by the world's top scientist - SpockKirkScotty13.

  • If you're twelve years old and a Priest asks you to join him for some "adventures in a cave", it's usually safe. However, if he wants to take you camping, respectfully decline and run like hell.

  • Every Tuesday morning, the world is shut down for maintenance. This is the time to do your bills, bathe, come out of your mother's basement, or just relax and remind yourself what the sun looks like.

  • Sexual activity is complicated. The best-selling book "Joy of Warcraft Sex" offers these helpful tips:

    The male should equip himself with the Cape of Stamina and the Cod-piece of the Horse prior to any sexual activity. He should also have the Potion of Invisibility handy in case a quick exit becomes necessary.

    Most importantly, he should always remember to drink the Elixir of Blindness before attempting penetration. In the event that the Elixir of Blindness wears off during intercourse, he must close his eyes and ask the female to kindly drink the Potion of Invisibility. Otherwise, he may come to find out that the big-breasted female he brought home with him is really a 300 pound unwashed computer programmer from Detroit with five day's growth and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.

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    This is also posted on Fanboy Planet in a much nicer format.

    Ode to Velcro Tabs (a poop haiku)

    Oh, stinky diaper.
    Velcro tabs, not safety pins.
    How I love Pampers.

    Ain't no cupboard locked enough

    My 20 month old daughter has decided that all of my personal hygiene items are Public Domain. Think of the most personal item you use for hygiene. Now imagine that whenever you need that particular item, your daughter is running around the house with it. When your friends and family visit, she must bring out the item for all to view. She tries to open it, the dog tries to eat it and you just hope the mailman outside your window can't see you running around naked chasing a Chinese baby waving your much needed "Container" around.

    So you try to find a safe location for the container - someplace out of her reach. Good luck with that one. She scoffs at any attempt to "keep it out of her reach". One day I put the item back in the bathroom medicine cabinet, away from baby's outstretched arms. Or so I thought. Later in the day, I couldn't find the kid. Uh-oh. What's she getting into now? I walked to the bathroom and - Remember that scene from Mission Impossible when Ving Raymes is lowering Tom Cruise into a heavily secured computer room by some industrial strength string? I swear I saw a bald black dude lowering my 25 pound baby on a harness toward the medicine cabinet.

    Ain't no cabinet high enough. Ain't no cupboard locked enough. Good luck keeping personal items personal for a long time to come.

    Recipe for Disaster Pudding

    Start with one adopted Chinese baby.
    Add one dim-witted daddy with vast knowledge of television and video games but zilch about children.
    Mix with alcohol and cynicism.
    Serve chilled.

    Good Times

    When I pick up the remote and start flipping channels, I feel like TV executives are mind readers. How else would they know to broadcast my favorite childhood shows? All in the Family, Night Court, Sanford and Son, Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley. But the best one of all was Good Times. It was on TV every night when I was growing up.

    These days, I mainly watch the episodes where James Evans is still alive. The show took a nosedive after he left. Jimmy Walker might be dynamite, and Thelma might be easy on the eyes, but the writing sucked. I have the same criteria for Star Trek: The next Generation - all the episodes with a beard-less Riker suck ass. When he grew the fur, the show got better.

    Good Times had some excellent episodes. And most of the time they dealt with current political issues and race relations. Even today they provoke the same emotional response intended in the early 70's when they first aired.

    All that aside, the best part of the show was the "Studio Audience." These people provided some of the most memorable moments on television. But Good Times wasn't the only show to benefit from recording live audience reactions. Here are my top 5 Studio Audience Moments of all time

    1. Good Times. Episode - Penny (a young Janet Jackson with no large boob to pop out unexpectedly) gets physically abused by her mother. Scene - Penny comes home late and her mother is ironing a shirt. Mom picks up the iron and moves toward a frightened Penny with it. Audience Reaction - Gasps, "Oh no", "Oh my God." Very dramatic.

    2. Diff'rent Strokes. Episode - Arnold and friend get molested by a creepy old Gordon Jump (Arthur from WKRP). Scene - Naked Gary Coleman tries to run away when his friend starts to get worked over by the creepy old man. I half expected Gordon Jump to yell "Bring out the gimp!" Audience Reaction - Dead silent. Maybe a cough?

    3. Good Times. Episode - The one where the deaf kid falls down the elevator shaft. Scene - Deaf kid falls down elevator shaft. If you don't remember this magic moment, you don't deserve your TV set. Basically, the kid is leaving the Evans home with his mother. He waves while he backs up into an empty elevator shaft. Worst special effect ever when he falls backwards, but one of the BEST TV show moment in history. Audience Reaction - Gasps, "Dear God." "no". But if you watch it again really closely you can actually hear somebody laughing. This kills the drama, but makes it freaking hilarious. I guess this is the peril of the Studio Audience. You take the good you take the bad. Take them both and then you have...

    4. Facts of Life. Episode - The girls try drugs. Scene - Mrs. Garret finds the coke. She gives the girls a lecture and has a full meltdown. Hmm, did you get rid of ALL the coke, Mrs. Garrett? Audience Reaction - Gasps in the predictable places.

    5. Married With Children. Episode - All of them. I just added this because I can. There is someone in the audience for every taping that has the worst laugh ever. The laugh is so bad that it almost ruined the show for me. If you don't know what I'm talking about, then I'm sorry I just spoiled the show for you, because you're going to notice it now.

    I know I'm forgetting a bunch. If you can add to this, go for it.

    Survivor: Exile Island's New Gimmick

    As usual, I'm watching Survivor every Thursday night like a good citizen. This show has used gimmicks before to keep it fresh (men vs. women, previous cast members returning, fake relationships, hidden immunity idols) but this time they have found the Money Gimmick. And I'm not talking about the lame "Exile Island" bit.

    Plain and simple: This may be the stupidest cast in the history of Survivor. And, quite possibly, in the history of reality TV. I don't want to short change the IQ pool from the Bachelor (notably, the Bob season where the women fell madly in love with him before even meeting the dude). But here we are, only a few episodes in and already the morons are jockeying for position for the title of Stupidest Survivor Ever.

  • One guy is a smoker and seems to have gone "Cold Turkey" in order to appear on the show. Gee, you mean they wouldn't let you smoke on Survivor? Think about it; anyone going Cold Turkey on a reality show is a ratings bonanza. The only exception is an alcoholic. Here's a tip to any dope on Survivor with a drinking problem: Ask to meet with the producers and tell them you're an alcoholic. If you do this, I personally guarantee that you will have a beer in your hand and a reserve in your back pocket before you even finish your sentence . Nothing makes reality TV work like an open bar. Believe me, if liquor didn't exist, NONE of these reality shows would be worth a damn.

    If you don't believe me think of Cops. How many episodes of Cops have you seen where the police arrest someone sober? Exactly.

  • Crazy old Asian guy seems to know everything about wilderness survival. When the tribe arrives in camp, his first goal is to locate drinking water. The rest of the tribe wants to build a fire first. The idea being that fire is necessary for boiling any water they intend to drink. Asian dude tells this sad collection of idiots that there is no need to boil the water. He just needs them to provide "Three T-shirts" to act as a filtration system. MacGyver-san says that this will filter out nearly all of the bacteria. The tribe believes him and they quickly abandon the idea of building a fire in favor of drinking sweaty, contaminated water. If I'm going to drink raw sewage filtered through someone's disgusting t-shirt, can it at least be the disgusting t-shirt that the hot blond chick is wearing?

  • At the first Tribal Counsel, the woman who found food, shelter, organized the tribe and the only one capable of making fire, gets kicked off because, according to the tribe-mates that booted her: "We would have figured it out on our own eventually." Evidently, their idea of "Figuring it out" is to sunbathe on the beach and complain about the bad attitude of the person doing all the work.

  • Dumb blonde loses the tribe's only fishing spear then giggles about it with the big, strong men. "Tee-hee. That was stupid, huh?" Yes.

  • For the reward challenge, one of the tribes wins the luxury of a bathroom: an outhouse with toilet paper. When the tribe receives the outhouse, they stand around and examine it closely. One of them suggests that before using the brand new toilet, maybe they should discuss better ways of utilizing the commode. The tribe already had a make-shift bathroom set up in the trees and didn't really need another one. Maybe they could keep the firewood dry by storing it inside the port-a-potty? Others catch on and contribute their ideas as well. They are finally working together as a team. While they are discussing options, one of the tribe members announces "I gotta drop a Duce." then proceeds to take a crap in the new outhouse. Oh well, meeting adjourned!

  • In the first few days on the island, the hippy blond girl finds a turtle on the beach. The hippy sobs and has a meltdown. No clue why she gets so emotionally distraught, especially since the turtle is just chillin' and seems quite relaxed. Maybe the show's producers confiscated her pot stash when she arrived on the island (see "Cold Turkey" above). The hippy draws a big heart around the turtle in the sand to show her love for nature. Guess what? When Day 14 comes and none of you have eaten since Day 2 you'll pray that the turtle is still asleep in its cute little heart on the beach, just so you can sneak up behind it and suck out the meaty insides of that shell like a Hoover.
  • "Are you going to tell her?"

    I'm a Stay-at-Home Dad who doesn't get out much. I have everything I need at home: computer, video games, TV, food and beer. I'm not big on social events and I'm lousy when having conversations with strangers. The world will continue to spin whether I'm involved in it or not. On the rare occasion that I do venture out of the house, I have been subject to some awkward situations.

    The first thing people see when my daughter Elena and I go outside is a giant white dude with a Chinese baby. I get stared at a lot. Especially by unsmiling, older Asian women. People sometimes come up to me and ask about her origins. These are the social situations that I respect and enjoy. It's a subject that I'm comfortable with and can talk at length about. I don't mind discussing it with strangers.

    So a few women (they are always women) have asked me "Is she yours?" or "Are you the Mommy today?" (as if I couldn't possibly be the primary caregiver since I'm the wrong gender...but that's another gripe that I'll get to in a future blog.) One lady asked "What country did you adopt her from?" Perfect. Right to the point. Look, it's obvious that the kid wasn't designed with my DNA. Anyone that puts it this bluntly is going to win more brownie points than someone who dances around the subject because they are afraid of being "offensive."

    It is very difficult to offend me. But a hair stylist came close...(question - If a hair stylist only charges $15 for a haircut, do I still call her a hair stylist?) A few months ago I went by myself to get a haircut. I had never met this particular hair stylist before, although I had often been to the shop. She looked to be in her early fifties and Middle-Eastern. Nice, welcoming smile. Looked like she'd been cutting hair for a long time.

    I sat down in the chair and told her how I wanted my hair done. Before the scissors even touched my scalp her mouth opened.

    And so it began:

    "Do you have any kids?" she asked.

    I smiled politely and replied "Yes I do. We just adopted a baby from China a few months ago. She's 13 months old now."

    "Really?" She stopped cutting my hair. "Why did you adopt? You can't have your own children?"


    "You are still young. You should have kept trying."

    "It's okay. We really love our baby."

    "Hmm. You should have your own child next time."

    "Next time?"

    "Your next child. You should have it naturally"

    "I don't think we're going to have anymore kids. We're happy with just this one."

    "You cannot have just one baby," she said, wagging the comb in my face. "It's not right. You must have at least two. Have you tried any medicines?"


    "You know where you should go to get treatment?" Uh-oh...and remember, she had only just STARTED the haircut.

    "Listen, I really don't need any..."


    "I'm sorry?"

    "India has the best Fertilization Clinic in the world. You and your wife should go there for a month or two and..."

    At this point, I think I burst out laughing. She looked REALLY pissed off, but this conversation was just getting too weird. So I tried again. "Look, we're fine with one kid. We don't want anymore."

    "You should have adopted from Russia then. They have better kids there."

    "We're okay."

    The hair stylist went back to cutting my hair. Both of us were quiet for about 10 minutes. I could tell that she was seething and really wanted to ask me something.

    And then she did.

    "Are you going to tell her?" she asked, finally.

    "Tell her what?"

    "That she's adopted."

    "Um, I don't think I can hide that from her since I'm a big white guy. My wife is Asian, but I don't think..."

    "You cannot tell her."

    "I don't think it's fair to keep that a secret from her."

    "You said your wife is Asian, right?"

    I nodded.

    "Just say that your wife cheated on you with an Asian guy. Or tell her that your wife was married before."

    I laughed again. "So it's better to tell her that her mother's a prostitute than to tell her the truth?"

    "Yes. Your child should never know. It's not right to tell her."

    This is a true story. And the haircut sucked.

    NOTE: In the future if my daughter ever asks you who her "Real" daddy is, tell her "Some Asian guy." Furthermore, if YOU happen to be an Asian male and my daughter ever calls you "Daddy" just roll with it.