You can learn a lot from an episode of Cops. I've learned that when the police knock on my front door, I'd better be properly dressed. That means jeans, boxers and...well, that's it. Got a beer gut and a bunch of cool tats? Then by all means, don't cover up with a t-shirt. Feeling festive? Tie that mullet back with a rubber-band. Or just go au-natural, it don't matter. And every time the policeman asks you a question, the answer is either "No", "That's not mine" or "Get the fuck off my property!" Lastly, make sure you're ready for a fight. You wouldn't want to go to jail quietly and miss adding a couple counts of "Assault on a police officer" now wouldya?
Other lessons learned from watching Cops...
1) How to get free marriage counseling
Is your husband only abusive after a night of excessive drinking? Then make sure the fridge is stocked with his favorite beer. And mix it up once in a while. When he's punching you, give him your cheek instead of your jaw. If he throws a bottle at your head, throw it back. Or just call 911. Get the cops involved. That's what you pay taxes for anyway, right?
When the nice policeman arrives, meet him on the porch with an ice pack over your left eye and your two front teeth in the palm of your hand. He'll ask "What happened, maam?"
Remember, he only wants the facts. So make sure that you tell him your entire life story - including how your husband forgot about your birthday a few years ago. How you weren't going to marry him, but he knocked you up when you were twelve - and even though CPS took your baby away because you fed it diet pills and bourbon, you married him anyway. Tell the nice officer about how he cheated on you with Sylvia down the street. Make sure he knows all about how Sylvia the Ho keeps hanging around even though nobody in the neighborhood actually likes her. And don't forget to mention the part about Sylvia being "Colored." This should go over well, especially if the officer is African-American.
At this point, the policeman might interrupt you or say something rude like "Maam, did your husband hit you?" while pointing to your bruises and loose teeth. Act surprised and insulted. Say: "Yes, but I hit him first." or just tell him that you fell.
In any case, they'll put your husband in handcuffs and arrest him. Cry and scream really loud. You want the whole neighborhood in on the fun. Try taking a swing at the cop while yelling profanities. Or throw a pink flamingo at his head.
Babble incoherently. But every once in a while say something like: "Please, he didn't mean it!" , or "It was my fault!" or the ever popular "He'll kill me when he gets home." which is probably true.
Lesson learned: When nobody wants to hear your shitty stories anymore, call 911. The police are paid to listen.
2) The art of the Booty Call
Normally, you wouldn't drive the old Pinto into town. Hell, that classic piece of American craftsmanship has been sitting on your front lawn for years. But sometimes drastic measures are called for. If you've gotta get your freak on, then nothing makes a hot chick wetter than watching you rolling behind the wheel of a sweet ride.
So you troll through downtown, looking for just the right girl - one that knows how to please a gentleman like yourself, but still has that certain shine. You're wearing the clean underwear tonight. This Ho has to be special.
Then you see her. She's like a vision - scratching her ass in front of the liquor store - wearing high heels, stockings, a red mini-skirt and a tank top. First thing you notice is her flat chest. Well, that's okay, the rest of the package looks good. She's got a little hair under her chin and some kind of lump caught in her throat. But that's not your problem.
You pull up next to her. She says "Lookin' for a party, honey." Her voice is lower than yours. But hell yeah, you're looking for a party. You tell her to hop in, then spend the next few minutes negotiating an appropriate rate. She agrees to let you have sex with her for $40. By the time you're done negotiating, you've got the price down to $2.50. You should be suspicious. Unfortunately, you're too proud of your negotiating skills to wonder why she went so low. You pay her the $2.50.
And then you're surrounded by police cars.
Some cop pulls you out of your ride, slams you up against the cool chrome of your Pinto's bumper and says "You're under arrest for solicitation of prostitution."
You say "I was just giving her a ride."
They laugh. You find out that your "Special Girl" is really an undercover police officer named Ralph. You pretend to be disgusted.
The Pinto gets impounded, only to return a few months later for free after failing to sell at the police auction. Your 400 pound wife leaves you because, in her words, "I can do better."
Lesson learned: If the apple's a' bobbin, don't go a' knockin.
3) How to beat a DUI
First of all, don't let the police intimidate you. They might have guns and nightsticks, but you've got a belly full of peppermint schnapps. Forget the fact that you're the 40th drunk driver he's pulled over tonight. That fact doesn't matter. You're smarter than he is - especially since you've been drinking.
He taps on the window and asks you to step out of the car. This is the best time to take a swing at him. You may never get another chance.
When the cop asks if you've been drinking, always answer "No." Count to five in your head and then reconsider. "Just a little."
When you fail to walk a straight line and touch your nose, tell him "I have a bad knee." or, my personal favorite, "Man, I couldn't do this sober."
At this point, the policeman will go through your pockets. When he pulls out the three bags of crack, the syringe and the pipe just stay cool. Remember, they've got nothing on you. Quickly say "Those aren't mine." or "Hey, you planted those in my pocket."
He'll tell you that the car you're driving has been reported stolen. Try to look surprised. Say "I borrowed it from a friend." He'll ask you "What's your friend's name?" Make sure you pause a long time. Count to twenty in your head then say your own name.
He'll ask: "I'm going to search the vehicle. Am I going to find more drugs?" Come on, dude, you know the answer to this one by now. "No."
The policeman sticks his head in the car and pulls out 63 bags of pot, a bong and a portable meth lab. Quickly say "Those aren't mine. They belong to my friend."
Now would be a good time to run. Especially if you've already been handcuffed. When they catch you, fight back. Then yell "Ow! That hurts!" when they throw you into the police car.
4) What to do with that leftover paint
Putting a fresh coat of paint in the baby's room can be quite a chore. At the end of the day, you're left feeling exhausted and thirsty. But most importantly, you're left with a bunch of empty "Glidden Natural Pink" paint cans.
Question is: Are they really empty? Just because you can't get anymore paint on the brush doesn't mean you should throw those perfectly good cans in the garbage.
It's been a tough job, my friend. You've worked hard. Grab a beer, close all the windows in the baby's freshly painted room and make yourself comfortable. Sit down, pick up that can of Glidden and start huffing. Nothing's better on a hot day than beer and paint. So make sure you stick your face right over the brim of that can and breathe deep. You'll be feeling better in no time. Let those magical fumes fill your lungs and carry you off to heaven.
When the police knock on the door and ask why your mouth is the same color as the baby's bedroom, don't pay any attention. Go ahead and have that Grand Mal Seizure you've been working on. You've earned it. Don't worry about the ambulance - the cops will take care of that. It's their job, not yours.
Lesson learned: Real men huff white paint, pussy.