Official Website of Author Jason Beymer

Rogue's Curse and Nether available in all e-formats

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Cops: Important Life Lessons

You can learn a lot from an episode of Cops. I've learned that when the police knock on my front door, I'd better be properly dressed. That means jeans, boxers and...well, that's it. Got a beer gut and a bunch of cool tats? Then by all means, don't cover up with a t-shirt. Feeling festive? Tie that mullet back with a rubber-band. Or just go au-natural, it don't matter. And every time the policeman asks you a question, the answer is either "No", "That's not mine" or "Get the fuck off my property!" Lastly, make sure you're ready for a fight. You wouldn't want to go to jail quietly and miss adding a couple counts of "Assault on a police officer" now wouldya?

Other lessons learned from watching Cops...

1) How to get free marriage counseling
Is your husband only abusive after a night of excessive drinking? Then make sure the fridge is stocked with his favorite beer. And mix it up once in a while. When he's punching you, give him your cheek instead of your jaw. If he throws a bottle at your head, throw it back. Or just call 911. Get the cops involved. That's what you pay taxes for anyway, right?

When the nice policeman arrives, meet him on the porch with an ice pack over your left eye and your two front teeth in the palm of your hand. He'll ask "What happened, maam?"

Remember, he only wants the facts. So make sure that you tell him your entire life story - including how your husband forgot about your birthday a few years ago. How you weren't going to marry him, but he knocked you up when you were twelve - and even though CPS took your baby away because you fed it diet pills and bourbon, you married him anyway. Tell the nice officer about how he cheated on you with Sylvia down the street. Make sure he knows all about how Sylvia the Ho keeps hanging around even though nobody in the neighborhood actually likes her. And don't forget to mention the part about Sylvia being "Colored." This should go over well, especially if the officer is African-American.

At this point, the policeman might interrupt you or say something rude like "Maam, did your husband hit you?" while pointing to your bruises and loose teeth. Act surprised and insulted. Say: "Yes, but I hit him first." or just tell him that you fell.

In any case, they'll put your husband in handcuffs and arrest him. Cry and scream really loud. You want the whole neighborhood in on the fun. Try taking a swing at the cop while yelling profanities. Or throw a pink flamingo at his head.

Babble incoherently. But every once in a while say something like: "Please, he didn't mean it!" , or "It was my fault!" or the ever popular "He'll kill me when he gets home." which is probably true.

Lesson learned: When nobody wants to hear your shitty stories anymore, call 911. The police are paid to listen.

2) The art of the Booty Call
Normally, you wouldn't drive the old Pinto into town. Hell, that classic piece of American craftsmanship has been sitting on your front lawn for years. But sometimes drastic measures are called for. If you've gotta get your freak on, then nothing makes a hot chick wetter than watching you rolling behind the wheel of a sweet ride.

So you troll through downtown, looking for just the right girl - one that knows how to please a gentleman like yourself, but still has that certain shine. You're wearing the clean underwear tonight. This Ho has to be special.

Then you see her. She's like a vision - scratching her ass in front of the liquor store - wearing high heels, stockings, a red mini-skirt and a tank top. First thing you notice is her flat chest. Well, that's okay, the rest of the package looks good. She's got a little hair under her chin and some kind of lump caught in her throat. But that's not your problem.

You pull up next to her. She says "Lookin' for a party, honey." Her voice is lower than yours. But hell yeah, you're looking for a party. You tell her to hop in, then spend the next few minutes negotiating an appropriate rate. She agrees to let you have sex with her for $40. By the time you're done negotiating, you've got the price down to $2.50. You should be suspicious. Unfortunately, you're too proud of your negotiating skills to wonder why she went so low. You pay her the $2.50.

And then you're surrounded by police cars.

Some cop pulls you out of your ride, slams you up against the cool chrome of your Pinto's bumper and says "You're under arrest for solicitation of prostitution."

You say "I was just giving her a ride."

They laugh. You find out that your "Special Girl" is really an undercover police officer named Ralph. You pretend to be disgusted.

The Pinto gets impounded, only to return a few months later for free after failing to sell at the police auction. Your 400 pound wife leaves you because, in her words, "I can do better."

Lesson learned: If the apple's a' bobbin, don't go a' knockin.


3) How to beat a DUI
First of all, don't let the police intimidate you. They might have guns and nightsticks, but you've got a belly full of peppermint schnapps. Forget the fact that you're the 40th drunk driver he's pulled over tonight. That fact doesn't matter. You're smarter than he is - especially since you've been drinking.

He taps on the window and asks you to step out of the car. This is the best time to take a swing at him. You may never get another chance.

When the cop asks if you've been drinking, always answer "No." Count to five in your head and then reconsider. "Just a little."

When you fail to walk a straight line and touch your nose, tell him "I have a bad knee." or, my personal favorite, "Man, I couldn't do this sober."

At this point, the policeman will go through your pockets. When he pulls out the three bags of crack, the syringe and the pipe just stay cool. Remember, they've got nothing on you. Quickly say "Those aren't mine." or "Hey, you planted those in my pocket."

He'll tell you that the car you're driving has been reported stolen. Try to look surprised. Say "I borrowed it from a friend." He'll ask you "What's your friend's name?" Make sure you pause a long time. Count to twenty in your head then say your own name.

He'll ask: "I'm going to search the vehicle. Am I going to find more drugs?" Come on, dude, you know the answer to this one by now. "No."

The policeman sticks his head in the car and pulls out 63 bags of pot, a bong and a portable meth lab. Quickly say "Those aren't mine. They belong to my friend."

Now would be a good time to run. Especially if you've already been handcuffed. When they catch you, fight back. Then yell "Ow! That hurts!" when they throw you into the police car.


4) What to do with that leftover paint
Putting a fresh coat of paint in the baby's room can be quite a chore. At the end of the day, you're left feeling exhausted and thirsty. But most importantly, you're left with a bunch of empty "Glidden Natural Pink" paint cans.

Question is: Are they really empty? Just because you can't get anymore paint on the brush doesn't mean you should throw those perfectly good cans in the garbage.

It's been a tough job, my friend. You've worked hard. Grab a beer, close all the windows in the baby's freshly painted room and make yourself comfortable. Sit down, pick up that can of Glidden and start huffing. Nothing's better on a hot day than beer and paint. So make sure you stick your face right over the brim of that can and breathe deep. You'll be feeling better in no time. Let those magical fumes fill your lungs and carry you off to heaven.

When the police knock on the door and ask why your mouth is the same color as the baby's bedroom, don't pay any attention. Go ahead and have that Grand Mal Seizure you've been working on. You've earned it. Don't worry about the ambulance - the cops will take care of that. It's their job, not yours.

Lesson learned: Real men huff white paint, pussy.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Exploiting Logic Deprivation - Survivor and the Amazing Race Recaps

Step right up. Grab yourself a plate of cow lips and a soda. Here's your chance to get up-to-date on Survivor and the Amazing Race. Crazy Asian Guy will finally reveal the answers to all those nagging questions: Who is Tango Roa? Why is the shaman lady handing out credit card applications? And, of course the most burning question of all: Can the human brain truly survive years of inactivity? Or does it turn to mush - like a bowl of mashed potatoes - leaving the host mumbling incoherently in a ditch while a casting director from a hit reality TV show salivates and begs him to sign a contract. All this will be revealed and more. Read on, my friends.


Survivor - Lovable or Certifiable? You Decide.
Now that the racial element is over, the bloom is off the rose. But there's still plenty to talk about...

Cao Boi - The "extra" member
Cao Boi is like that dude you always see at the bus stop. He's the guy that's rocking back and forth, mumbling. If you say "Hello" to him, you know you're in for a very lengthy, confusing conversation. But if you don't say "Hello", he might jump up and kill you. Examples? Here you go:


Cao Boi became unusually attached to the Immunity Idol and wanted to carry it everywhere. He told the tribe "I would bring it with us at all times. I believe that Tango Roa is the ocean god of fertility and he came to us in the form of the Immunity Idol. He's our extra member."
Someone tried to argue, but it was like arguing with a ham sandwich. "If we bring the idol with us, won't that be like waving it in the other team's face?" In other words: HELLO, idiot. It's not appropriate.
His response: "I don't see it that way." Then he turned into a rabid monkey and ran into the woods.
Cao Boi quickly crossed the line between "Lovable Retard" and "Awkward Psycho." While sitting in his tent, he told another tribe member "I had a dream that these poeople were coming into the village and they were kidnapping people and they had this rope that made them invisible to others. So I couldn't defeat them." Holy shit. Did they find this guy under a bridge drinking Cascade? He continued: "There was this Shaman lady and she had all these credit card applications. And she asked me if I had an American Express Card. I said 'What do I need it for?' She said 'You need three of that and three of that.' And I thought 'Three of Three! That's how you can defeat the Immunity Idol! Just flush it out!"
Later, the producers discovered a couple half-eaten dead bodies around the camp and several missing cameramen. Was it a bear? Or a homicidal asian with a brain the size of a cumquat. You decide.

Hot Wrestling Challenges
Okay, this challenge was so hot that I had to watch it one-handed. Description: one hot chick holding onto a post while two other chicks tried to peal her off and drag her across the sand. So many cleavage shots; so many hits on the slow-mo TiVo button... .
Uh-oh. Not hot. Not hot. Dear god...not hot. Suddenly the guys were doing the same thing. Not hot. Confusing. But not hot!
For a reward, the tribe received letters from home. My guess is that Ozzy's letter was from his parole officer, wondering where the hell he was.
The white dude, Jonathan, said that he'd like to see all caucasions in the "Final Four". He went on to say that he'd like to see the caucasians have separate bathrooms and drinking fountains. Evidently, that part got cut out.

-----------------------------------------

Amazing Race 10- Sink or Swim
They've raced around the world, shattering all those "American Tourist" stereotypes by being rude, condescending and obnoxious. It's nice to see that we're well represented abroad.

Team Domestic Violence
I foresee some serious 911 calls in this couple's future. Think Ike and Tina Turner without the talent. Examples:
When their car stalled, the boyfriend freaked out and roared. His girlfriend's attempt to calm him was not only futile, but uncomfortable to watch. Fortunately for her, the cameraman was right in his face. So, rather than take the usual troubleshooting steps:
1) Break girlfriend's jaw
2) Finish beer
3) Solve problem
he was forced to use non-violent methods. In other words - unfamiliar territory.
Later, she had trouble reading the map and they got lost. She panicked. Being the chivalrous gentleman, the boyfriend offered his support - by throwing something at her face. She dodged it, then cowered into her seat. When she looked up from the map, her face lit up. The Blonde team was driving right in front of them. She pointed to their car and said "Oh, just follow the blondes." Yeah, that'll help.
They barely missed a train they were supposed to catch, putting them well behind the other competitors. "Damn it!" He yelled, homicidally. The girlfriend patted him on the shoulder and said "We'll get the next one." The boyfriend screamed "Just let me have my moment!" She instinctively flinched. Definitely a learned reaction.
One challenge had them eating a plate of yummy cow lips. The domestically abused girlfriend described the delicacy: "It was disgusting. The hair was still there. There was fat on it and the teeth were still there, too." Funny, that's the same thing I said while watching Bridget Jones's Diary and Cold Mountain.

Team Kentucky White Trash 
The pair learned that they'd have to swim. This caused some heavy anxiety. Both of them stared at the water in the same way they stared at a tube of fluoride toothpaste.
Here's how the couple described their fear:
WIFE - I'm scared. I'm afraid of fish.
HUSBAND - I'm scared of water, too. Cause I was thrown out in the lake by my cousin when I was five. So I've always been a little traumatized.
WIFE - Where we live people do that as a right of passage. You throw your kids in the lake and make them swim.
Jesus. So what happens if the kids don't swim when you toss them in the lake? What if they sink straight to the bottom? Do they become cashiers at Wal-Mart?
Team Kentucky finished in last place twice, but weren't eliminated. Saved by the "Not an Elimination Round" card. I'm sure the producers did that to keep them on the show. Finally, the producers ran out of loopholes and they were officially eliminated. I'll bet CBS was pissed. Now that they're gone, the ratings will plummet.
Of course, CBS could always do a sitcom spinoff. Heck, you might open your TV Guide next fall and see
a) "Kentucky White Trash"
b) "My teeth: Remembering old friends long gone"
or
c) "Golly, that's a real homosexual!"
The wife reminisced about the show: "Oh well. Maybe Steven Segal will see me and put me in one of his movies." Sure. But, only if you'll work for free.

Team Blonde
They had to buy airline tickets from a cashier. This may sound routine to you, but judging by the way their cute brows furrowed in concentration, it seemed to require Team Blonde to think. While the process of thinking can be dangerous with one blonde, two blondes problem-solving can be catastrophic. Honestly, it was like watching Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton trying to get a door marked "Push" to pull open.
But the best part came when the blondes finally spoke to the cashier:
CASHIER - Your flight will connect in London.
BLONDE - London? What country is that in?
CASHIER - England.
BLONDE - India?
CASHIER - No. England.
BLONDE - You don't know what you're talking about.
One of the blondes said "People look at us and they just assume that things come easy." Duh.
The other said "We know that we probably turn people off." True. Who wouldn't be turned off by two scantily clad blonde big breasted beauty queens? Yuck.
While driving through a crowded city, the blonde rammed right into the back of a bus. Biggest "Oh-come-on!" line of the show = "That's my first accident."
Sure. And cow lips taste like pumpkin pie.
After realizing that they were lost in the city, they pulled over and flirted with a stranger. They asked the stranger to take them to the next objective. He did. I would have taken them to my basement, but they didn't ask me.

Wednesday, November 1, 2006

Drunken Thoughts - McRude

• My family and I just spent a week in Nebraska. My wife is Thai and my daughter is Chinese. That information might not seem relevant when discussing a visit to "America's Heartland", but try this on for size: In the entire week we were there, we only saw two asians. And they were both at the airport.
My wife pulled up to the drive-thru window of a Nebraska McDonalds and ordered lunch. Before she could get too far into the order, a very rude and frazzled cashier came on the speaker and said "We aren't serving lunch for another five minutes."
My wife responded, "Okay. Can I just order it and pull up? I don't mind waiting."
"No. You'll have to come back in five minutes."
So she did. She parked, waited, then pulled back up to the drive-thru speaker.
When she started ordering again, he stopped her. "(Heavy sigh)..Okay, I don't understand. You don't want cheese on the burger?"
"That's correct. No cheese on the burger."
"Okay. Hold on. Arg."
"Is there a problem."
"Sigh. No. Just...Just hold on."
When she finally drove up to the window to retrieve her food, the cashier looked down at her and shook his head.- realization creeping over his pimpled face. He whispered something to his co-worker who laughed. Then he handed her the cheese-less burger.
You know how McDonalds puts stickers on the food containers to indicate any special requests? For salads, they sometimes put "Ranch, Italian, Thousand Island, etc" on the package. For burgers, if you ask for No Cheese you get a sticker that says "No Cheese" on it.
Not this time.
My wife - after making life so difficult for that poor white cashier - stared at the container holding the burger. The container had the word "Asian" on it.


• Is Katie Couric starting to look like Rosie O'Donnell, or is it just me? Lay off the Ho-Hos honey.


• Bob Barker, the host of The Price is Right is retiring after 50 years on TV. The 83 year old will be turned off, decommissioned, and stored in a moth-balled crate next to Dick Clark and Ed McMahon.


•In "News of the Creepy", the women's bathroom just got emancipated. Transgender men are now free to use the Ladies Room at subway stations in New York. Legally they are allowed to use either one. Since this court ruling, there have been at least 813 reported cases of toilet seats being left up in women's restrooms all over New York.

Personally, I'm fine with the decision. Hell, I've decided to keep a wig and a skirt in the trunk of my car just in case the men's room is ever locked.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

It's good to be a dad

Though it feels that every day is a test and that she would appreciate my failure much more than a second graham cracker, it's good to be a dad.

There are times that she sits in her high chair, staring at me while I explain to her in gentle tones "Drink your god damned milk!" - tones so gentle they scrape my windpipe. And she smiles and tilts the cup and spills the cow juice all over the table. This upsets me. Though I know nothing makes her happier than to watch me mop up, it's good to be a dad.

She kicks me in the balls and laughs. This I tell you sincerely: There are moments in life - moments when you are grabbing your nuts, sobbing, rolled in the fetal position, balls retracted - that it's NOT good to be a dad. She giggles and climbs on top of you and says "Daddy fall down" while you are willing your balls to get back into position.

Left nut....I beg you...I know we've had our differences. if you'll just get out of my stomach and go back where you belong I swear I'll be better to you. Maybe we can catch a movie on Cinemax after everyone falls asleep. Just please go back where you belong...

And then it does. And then it's good to be a dad.

The girl chases the dog around the house. Tries to step on dog's head. I have to separate human from dog. Human throws tantrum. Not good to be a dad.
BUT...
Dog barks during football game. Daughter grabs squirt bottle and sprays dog. Dog shuts up. It's good to be a dad.

She forces me to read Fox in Sox until my tongue falls out.
She makes me listen to "My Wish" by Rascal Flats every time we get in the car.
She takes off her soaking wet diaper during naptime and drapes it over her face.
Not good to be a dad.

BUT

She laughs at all my jokes.
She asks about me when I'm gone.
She loves me.

And someday - hopefully many years from now - I can tell her boyfriend all these details and embarrass her with old photos. "Want to see what she looked like with a diaper draped over her face, Jimmy?"

Yes, even when I'm taking her boyfriend aside and threatening castration - promising to rip it off with my bare hands and shove it down his throat if he gets it anywhere NEAR my daughter, I'll remember:

It's good to be a dad.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Drunken Thoughts - When Bears Attack

• A Michael Jackson sighting can be fascinating. You never know if you'll find him dangling a baby from a balcony, dancing on top of a Chevy or hitting the local post office dressed as Spiderman. This time, however, he was caught by photographers while shopping in Bahrain - dressed in women's clothes.
For some reason this is big news. This is controversial. Big news? Controversy? So what? Hell, I remember when his boob fell out during the Superbowl Halftime Show a few years ago. THAT was controversy.


• Is it safe to eat spinach again? After the outbreak of E.Coli I'm afraid to eat anything that comes out of the ground. E.Coli laced spinach. What a world. 

Noted spinach aficionado, Popeye the Sailorman, had this to say: "I ain'ts goin' near no poisoned spinach. If Olive's wants to keep Bluto from rapin' her, she better learns to carry a can of mace ands a whistle...(unintelligible mumbling..)"


•So the new fall TV season has started. Here's my Top 5:
1) Lost - Still the best show on TV.
2) Battlestar Galactica - Enough with the Iraq war comparisons. I get it already. Please don't spoil a great show by standing on a soapbox. The last thing I want is for the producers to turn this awesome series into West Wing Galactica.
3) South Park - The Warcraft episode was funny, but in an uncomfortable sort of way. This is exactly how I interact with others while playing the game.
The 9/11 episode = Brilliant. I actually know people that believe 9/11 was a government hoax. This made the episode even funnier.
4) Smith - I know. I know. But I liked it, okay?
5) Friday Night Lights
Conspicuously absent from the list is Heroes. The acting is terrible, and it feels like a sad copy of Lost, but I can't stop watching. I love comic books, and I'm hoping the writing and acting improve. If the producers are reading this, please heed my advice:
a) Get rid of the blonde. I'm not talking about the cheerleader. Get rid of the single mom, Nicky, who keeps blanking out and killing people. The storyline is WEAK. Speed it up it or pull a "Chuck Cunningham" and make her disappear. As viewers, we'll accept it and move on.
b) Take your time! The secret to Lost's success is that they delve into every character while telling a very intricate story. They try to focus on one character per episode. You guys are trying to show too many characters at once and you keep throwing in stupid "Shock" endings. Enough! Just tell a story, flesh out the characters and appeal to viewers that don't have Attention Deficit Disorder.


Jericho may be the worst thing on TV right now. Whenever I watch it, I smell stool burning. How this piece of steaming crap got picked up while Smith got cancelled, I'll never know.


• In Idaho, a black bear picked the wrong family to eat for dinner. During a family BBQ, one of the kids suddenly screamed "Bear! Bear!" as it tore through the fence and attacked.

One of the women grabbed all the kids and threw them into the house as the bear growled and destroyed the screen door. Before the bear could make it into the house, the woman grabbed a gun, fired twice and killed it instantly.
Unfortunately, the bear didn't know that this woman had a valid "Bear Hunting" tag. His mistake was a fatal one. Now, if he'd attacked in San Francisco instead of Idaho, he may have had a better chance. In San Francisco, that tag has a whole other meaning...

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

No, YOU shut up - The Survivor and Amazing Race Recaps

On Survivor, the racial experiment ended after only two episodes - but not the way I expected. Instead of the sand running crimson with the blood of the tribes, they were simply told to end the segregation. Very disappointing. Those that survived the brutal race war were split into two. Those that didn't were placed on pikes and used as team colors. Regardless, it's business as usual on Survivor again. While this may be refreshing to some, I was hoping they'd at least shake it up a bit more - you know, like adding a couple grizzly bears or a random midnight abduction.

The Amazing Race 10 - My Gak-Hurt
They've mainly been traveling through Vietnam. Here are some highlights:

Kentucky White Trash
He's a coal miner. She's the Tooth Fairy's regularly scheduled stop. Together they're the comic relief.

  • Wife: "I've never met an asian person in my life." then she whispered. "Honest to god, we ain't never been around gay people. But I like 'em!" Yep, they clean up real nice, don't they? Ask your husband, he's been around plenty of gay folks. Only in his line of work, they're called "Canaries."

  • His father fought in Vietnam. Cue dramatic music as the husband reflected on this: "Daddy never told us what he did in the war." Right. And he probably had a good reason for it, too. By the way, if you happen to see a toothless olive-skinned dude playing a banjo on a porch in Hanoi, then you'll know you've found your half-brother, Kung Pao Cletus.

  • While watching a street parade, the wife said "Oh wow. It's like one of them things you see on TV!" Sure. And the Vietnamese folks pointing at you are probably saying the same thing.

  • Wife: "I'm a couch potata. I stay on mah couch and watch reality tv all the time." Me too. Sweet reality TV. Thou art the great societal equalizer.


    One-Legged Triathele
    She's got one leg. He's got a girly lisp. Together they're...confusing.

  • Dude summed up their relationship: "It's good having a physical disability. Because we can use it to our advantage." Totally. Stephen Hawking always gets the best parking spots.

  • At one point, her hydraulic leg sprung a leak. I kept waiting for her to say "Oil can...oil can."

  • Size 14 foot entering mouth - The host of Amazing Race asked the one-legged girl "So did you ever think you'd be two legs into the race and be in first place?" OOPS!


    Domestically Violent
    He's a competitive prick. She's an insecure brunette. Together they're recurring guest stars on Cops.

  • The girlfriend: "We've been together for two years. We're trying to decide if we should take our relationship to the next level." Next Level? Are there any levels left? Unless by "Next Level" you mean to start hitting him back, I think you're clawing at that glass ceiling.

  • They had to work together in order to guide a cart across a bumpy terrain. "Stop!" He yelled. Then he yelled at her for not stopping right away. She said "Shut up" he replied. "No, you shut up." Good one!

    Later, he yelled "Left. Left! LEFT!" She broke down and started blubbering. Never one to miss an opportunity, he rushed over with his fist raised, but must have noticed the camera man's ghoulish smile - you know, the same grin the camera man for "Faces of Death" probably got? The boyfriend put his hand down quickly and tried to say something supportive. Something encouraging like "Hurry up."

  • The passive girlfriend said "I think control is a big issue in our relationship." His pet name for her around the house is "Doormat."


    Token Dumb Blondes
    She's a dumb blonde. She's a dumb blonde. Together they make Jessica Simpson look like the President of MENSA.

  • While sneaking around: "We need to make sure and do this conspicuously." Methinks she does not know what this word truly means...

  • All contestants were forced to purchase airline tickets from the same counter. The Blondes did the unthinkable: They cut in line. Usually, they'd get away with it. Maybe by turning around, flashing some boob and saying "Tee-hee. Did I cut in front of you?" Probably works all the time. But not this time. This time they cut in front of Team Gay.

    When they turned around and said "Tee-Hee," they didn't get the expected response. Instead, Team Gay stared at them the same way Rosie O'Donnell stares at a steamed vegetable - utter contempt.


    The Gay Guys
    He's gay. He's gay. Together they're gay squared.

  • While reviewing a map, one of them told the camera: "We need to find the village of Gak-Hurt." Ironically, that's also the name of a porno I watched last night.


    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Survivor - The Amazing Racists
    For the past few weeks they've been transitioning into two tribes - no longer separated by race. Highlights.

    The Ballad of Billy, the fat Mexican
    Billy the Fat Mexican slept while everyone worked. Of course, he ate all the tribe's food. "I've been conserving my energy." He said while working hard on a fish sandwich. I guess he's conserving his energy for the trip home.

    His snoring kept the whole tribe awake. For the first time in Survivor history, the tribe planned to intentionally lose an immunity challenge in order to get Fat Billy off the show. It was unprecedented.

    When the challenge began, the tribe totally dragged ass. You'd think Billy would become suspicious or figure out that they were trying to lose. Suspicious? No. Hungry? Yes.

    The funniest part was that even while they loafed through the challenge as slowly as possible, one of the other tribes was moving even slower. They almost needed to fake a major injury in order to lose the challenge. And by "Fake" I mean by snapping Fat Billy's neck like a twig then yelling "Oh, no. Fat Billy fell down!" But instead, they trucked on.

    Honestly, the other team moved so slow it was like watching Ricky Henderson round the bases behind Sid Bream.

    At the end of Billy's 15 minutes of fame, he made this last chilling comment: "I'm playing the game. That's what I came here to do. My prize wasn't the million dollars. My prize is that I fell in love in this game. Love at first sight. Her name is Candace (the anorexic white chick). After the last challenge we kind of mouthed the words I love You to each other. So my prize is her."
    Weirdo.

    Later, somebody asked the anorexic blonde about this. She turned red. Apparently, Fat Billy misunderstood what she was mouthing. Maybe she was mouthing "Drop Dead, freak." I can see how someone might mistake that for "I love you." In the end, Billy didn't win a million dollars, but the anorexic blonde did win a personal stalker and a date with a machete. Win win.


    Cao Boi, baby
    Cao Boi told asian jokes while everyone was trying to sleep. "I have no hangups. I just make fun of it and laugh. Like what do you call a vietnamese with -"

    "Shut Up!" Someone interrupted. "If you make jokes based on stereotypes, you're just going to confirm them."

    Cao Boi thought about this for a long time. Maybe two seconds...then rattled off even more asian jokes.

    Then he switched from jokes to politics. He demonstrated his vast supply of knowledge by saying that every kid in America will be drafted into the military because of Bush. One of the girls tried to argue with him - which is the equivalent of arguing with a turnip - by saying "Maybe they'll go to College instead" Cao Boi contemplated this for less than a second - ample time to weigh an argument and prepare a rebuttal - saying "They'll never be able to go to college. They'll get drafted."

    When Cao Boi isn't appearing on Reality TV shows, he can usually be found behind a dumpster, huffing paint and providing brilliant conspiracy theories to passers-by and reality tv show casting directors searching for new talent.


    AFTER RACIAL EXPERIMENT ENDED:
  • The black girl asked her new integrated tribemates "How did you feel when you heard you would be segregated by race." White Volleyball champion replied "Whether it's good or bad it makes people think. That's a good thing." Sure. It made me think, alright. It made me think about turning the channel to catch a repeat of Becker.

  • Pavati, the tribal whore, flirted with every guy in camp. One of the guys actually fell for it and told the camera "I can definitely trust her." Right. Just like that waitress at Hooters who smiled at you after serving the Buffalo Wings? Remember how you swore on your broken heart not to fall for it ever again? Shame on you.
  • Thursday, September 21, 2006

    Survivor: Race War Island and The Amazing Race 10 - Week One

    Welcome to Survivor: Cook Island. Twenty people, selected solely for their exploitability, will compete for one million dollars and the chance to set their race back to the 1950s. Watch in the comfort of your racially isolated living room and learn how minorities interact with one another in real-life situations - you know, like being stuck on a deserted island with cameras all over the place. It doesn't get much more real than that. Each contestant has passed our strict casting criteria and has been deemed "Racially Appropriate" by our team of white casting directors. How will the Asian dry-cleaner get along with the Asian karate instructor? How will the militant black guy interact with the hip-hop singer? Find out on Survivor: Cook Island.

    Racial Highlight Time!

    AFRICAN-AMERICANS - "Represent!"


  • They huddled together on the beach and chanted "Represent!" One of them elaborated on what it means to Represent. "We want to show everybody that yes, black people CAN swim." Gee. That's ambitious.

  • One lady said: "With our group it has nothing to do with race." Two seconds later she was holding a knife and complaining that "This knife couldn't cut cotton."

  • Unable to make fire, the fat dude gave up after committing less than 20 seconds of hard labor. He threw up his hands, walked slowly to the beach, collapsed, and fell asleep. Looked like a retarded seal.


    WHITES - My Friend Flicka

  • Surfer dude: "It doesn't matter to me if the tribes are all white people or...(pause)..or any other type of race." Uh-oh. Interesting pause there.

  • One of the girls said "We were excited about all of our supplies. We scored with two machetes and two slings." Jesus. Can someone remind this chick that the groups are only split by ethnicity? That doesn't mean there'll be a Battle Royale, honey. Stow the blades, but keep them close by in case the ratings dip - especially for sweeps week.

  • Let's look at the white team - Jock, sorority girl, anorexic whore, family man, hippy. Wait, did someone say hippy? Hot damn!

  • The hippy's name is Flicka. Yes, Flicka. Like the meat in your Big Mac. She "Accidentally" released their only source of protein (2 chickens). After the chickens ran off to freedom (who knew a chicken's natural habitat was a tropical island...), she smiled and laughed. Stupid hippy. I hope they eat you instead.

  • Anorexic whore complained that she was cold. Duh. You weigh 35 pounds soaking wet. She seduced the Jock and snuggled up against him. Thank you, Survivor. A Hippy AND a whore. I'm in heaven.


    ASIANS - Bad wind rising

  • Yui says: "I was stunned by the racial divide. I'm concerned it might play into stereotypes." Ya think? Back home, Yui is called "That asian fella."

  • Cao Boi (pronounced Cowboy - not making this up), made three stereotypical jokes in the space of 20 seconds, capped off by a "We fly under the radar. Nobody expects these little people with slanted eyes to see anything or be strong enough to do anything. Or even speak english." Let the self-exploitation begin! Then he complained that he never felt accepted in the asian community. Wonder why.

  • When a teammate got a headache, Cao Boi offered a head massage. The "massage" consisted of clutching the victim's forehead and pushing his eyes back into his skull. "He has Bad Wind" Cao Boi said. Yeah, and now he has "Bad Eyesight" too. Thanks man!

    Then he grabbed the guy's nose and practically pulled it off, leaving a big red mark between his eye brows. Looked like Moe disciplining Curly. Cao Boi said "That's called an Indicator. All the Bad Wind comes out of there." What a douche.

    Later he told the camera "The Asian-Americans don't understand. They weren't born in the old country - where people didn't have antibiotics so they had to figure out other ways to do it." I wasn't born in the old country either, but I'll take a couple Advil over getting my eyes gouged out by a certifiable idiot any day.

    The victim smiled and told Cao Boi "It feels better." Sure it does, moron. Because now your eyes are bleeding. If I had a headache and someone chopped off my leg, guess what? Headache all gone.


    ---------------------------------------------------------------


    Amazing Race 10 - Two Muslims, a cheerleader and a one-legged Triathlete walk into a bar...

    Meet the Cast:

    1) Two beauty queens that met at a Miss America competition.

    2) Triathletes - The lady has a prosthetic leg and her boyfriend is the guy that built it for her.

    3) Hot couple from L.A. Bitchy woman with fake boobs paired up with controlling asshole. Beautiful.

    4) Asian Brothers.

    5) Two Muslims from Cleveland

    6) Kentucky White Trash. Coal miner and his wife. Both are in desperate need of a dental magician. They represent the blue-collar worker and the common man. In other word, they're the Comic Relief.

    7) Father/Daughter - Hot chick from Ohio. Man, did this start great! Right away, the father told the interviewer: "It's been a while since we spent quality time together. When I look at her, there's just a teensy bit of disappointment...as a father." Then he started crying. The daughter said, "I'm gay. I came out of the closet after college." Pause..then the dad bawled uncontrollably.

    8) Indian couple -Too normal. Won't last an episode.

    9) Cheerleaders from South Carolina - "You could put us both in a cardboard box, and we'd still find a way to have fun." Not if I saw off your limbs first and keep you in a box in my garage. Oops, better edit that one out...Then she offered this gem: "I could have a conversation with a door knob." Considering you'll be spending most of the show with the other cheerleader, you'd better mean that.

    10) Two recovering drug addicts - they met in recovery and model for magazines. We get to watch them play an intimate, shirtless game of basketball. Nice. Trading one addiction for another, eh?

    11) Two black single mothers.

    12) Flamboyantly gay couple - Tom and Terry.


  • The host told them all "There will be surprises in this race you never expected." Um, we're on Amazing Race 10 now. Unless you're planning to randomly murder contestants, I think I've seen it all.

  • After learning they were traveling to China, one of the black women said "Remember what I told you about people like us from Alabama going to China? They like us 'cause of the movie Forrest Gump." Better hope they haven't seen Rush Hour 2...

  • Kentucky White Trash wife: "Where we come from, the man makes all the decisions. He just needs to see that on this race, we's gonna be 50/50." If you're talking about making 50 percent of the decisions, then you're out of luck. However, if you're talking about your teeth...

  • Quote of the night: One cheerleader asked "Do Muslims believe in Buddha?" The other replied "I don't know."

  • Asian Brothers talking about China - "It's a lot like Korea. Just more Chinese characters."

  • Dumb blonde said "We look like such tourists. Everybody's checking us out." Yeah, that's the only reason anyone would stare at a hot blonde with big breasts in China.

  • So cruel. They made the one-legged girl scale a brick wall. While she hung from the ropes, the ghouls behind the cameras zoomed in. You could just hear them salivating. The "Boyfriend" yelled at her encouragingly. "You can do it, baby!" Dude sounded gayer than Lance Bass "bobbing for apples" in a bath house.

  • Kentucky White Trash - She hugged the host, who asked "Um, why don't you hug your husband.?" The husband said "Oh, that's okay. She hugs everybody." I'll bet she does.
  • Sunday, September 3, 2006

    Daddy Broke Chair

    I can't decide which is more annoying - a swift kick to the balls or constantly being reminded of your exceptional girth.

    A few days ago, I was trying to murder the dog when... Oh, I should probably explain why I was trying to murder the dog. The nine pound dachshund was leaping high in the air - a well-calculated attempt to steal my daughter's breakfast. Like a domesticated predator, she sat poised on the dining room floor, a black stripe rising up her back, waiting for just the right moment to pounce. As the girl's hand moved down to her lap holding the exquisite morsel of buttered bread, the dog quickly went into action. Pure instinct took over and she leaped high, grabbed the hunk of bread in her teeth and finished with a perfect dismount. While attempting to inhale the large boon all at once, I attempted to murder her.

    However, sensing that her life was in danger, she dashed off just as I leaned over to do the deed. The arm of my chair cracked and the wood splintered. The arm swung down to the floor - broken. I'm certain I yelled a profanity. Not sure which one, but it couldn't have been very original.

    "Daddy broke chair." My observant daughter announced. "Daddy broke chair."

    "Yes." I replied. And soon I'll break your little dog, too.

    Since that fateful morning, she has informed every adult that we've come in contact with that "Daddy broke chair." She tells the librarian, she tells the cashier at Starbucks, she tells her Grandmother on the telephone. "Daddy broke chair."

    But truly, as bad as the constant reminder of my dynamic waist line is, it can't hold a candle to the beatings my balls have received recently. The worst incident happened a few days ago.

    I was holding her in my arms while we crossed the street on the way to the library. She was so excited. I was paying attention to the cars and the traffic light, not her feet. And WHAM. She kicked me square in the nuts. I doubled over in the middle of the crosswalk, still holding her tightly. She laughed. Ha Ha. Funny daddy. I finished the monumental task of getting her across the street, slowly. The light probably turned yellow, red and green a few times before we finally made it. My head spun, my insides were on fire - and yet I kept moving, holding the girl in my arms. I felt like King Kong trying to hold onto Fay Wray while getting riddled with bullets; like Michael Douglas carrying Melanie Griffith over the border in Shining Through while the Germans turned him into swiss cheese with their machine guns. It was heroic, yet I didn't feel like a hero. I felt like...sucky.

    Then, last night at bedtime...

    "Goodnight, honey." I said sweetly, holding her in my arms.

    "Goodnight, daddy." WHAM.

    Fine. Daddy break chair. Baby break balls.

    Touche.

    Wednesday, August 23, 2006

    Drunken Thoughts - John Karr or John Mark Karr?

  • Ten years after a little girl was murdered, justice has finally come to Colorado. Good work, Boulder police! This is a tragic story. Allow me to exploit it:

    a) Who the hell names their kid JonBenet? Yes, I understand that her mother's name was Patsy. But come on..JonBenet? No wonder the parents were the prime suspects.

    b) The killer's name was John Karr a week ago. Now, for some reason, his name is John Mark Karr. Did he have it legally changed or something? I've noticed this trend with other "misunderstood" humanitarians - people like John Lee Malvo and Lee Harvey Oswald. If you ever open the newspaper and see Jason Beautrice Beymer, you'll know that I finally went on that cross-country killing spree I've always dreamed of.

    c) Congratulations to the Boulder, CO police department on the collar! Ten years later, the guy that people saw hanging out with JonBenet and the family, had the criminal record, kept getting fired from his teaching gigs for fondling students, wrote the ransom note, posted on a website for kids and tried to have a sex change operation was caught in Bankok, the child prostitution capital of the world after CONFESSING. Once again, props to that crack team of investigators in Boulder.

    d) If you ever feel like murdering someone, take a vacation to Boulder, CO. In fact, I suspect the murder rate per capita is going to rise considerably. People will start driving to Boulder just to dump off their dead bodies - in broad daylight. Why not? The only way they're going to catch you is if you confess ten years later.

    e) Even with the confession and all the other evidence, I suspect the Vegas Odds on the Boulder D.A. getting a conviction are the same odds of the 49ers ever winning another superbowl. It's like the end of a bad Perry Mason where the killer confesses in open court - only Perry shrugs his shoulders and tells the judge "I guess we'll never find out who did it."


  • Nothing says "Family Fun!" like a Polygamy Rally! The event was held last week in a most unlikely setting: Salt Lake City, Utah. One of the children at the rally made her position perfectly clear: "We are not brainwashed, mistreated, neglected, malnourished, illiterate, defective or dysfunctional." Nope, but I bet your 25 mommies are.


  • A judge who used a Penis-Pump under his robe in open court has been given a 4-year prison sentence. He was caught pounding his gavel when someone in the room heard the unmistakable sound of suction coming from the bench. Here's a previously unreleased transcript from one of his court sessions. A Beer and TV exclusive!

    LAWYER - Your honor, we intend to prove that Mr. Jones did not rape and murder that woman.
    JUDGE - Please call your next witness.
    LAWYER - Thank you, your honor. The Defense calls Mr. Jones to the stand. (pause)
    JUDGE - Okay then. Mr. Jones, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?
    MR. JONES - I do, your honor.
    JUDGE - You may proceed.
    LAWYER - Mr. Jones, are you familiar with how the victim's body was discovered.
    Ka-pish, ka-pish, ka-pish
    MR. JONES - Uh, yes. She had been raped -
    Ka-pish, ka-pish, ka-pish
    LAWYER - And murdered, Mr. Jones?
    Ka-pish, ka-pish, ka-pish
    MR. JONES - Yes. But I didn't do it.
    LAWYER - Did you know that semen was discovered on the body?
    Ka-pish, ka-pish, ka-pish
    MR. JONES - No, I wasn't aware of that.
    LAWYER - And that her throat was cut?
    Ka-pish, ka-pish, ka-pish, ka-pish,ka-pish,ka-pish
    JUDGE - YOWZA!
    LAWYER - Are you okay, your honor?
    JUDGE - Oh, um. Yeah. Um. This court is adjourned for a brief cigarette break. And I need to change my robe.
  • Tuesday, August 1, 2006

    Who Wants to be a Superhero?


    Contestants are given challenges - tests of strength, mental puzzles, socializing with the opposite sex, and trying to keep their Dork Levels in check. The winner receives a role in a Stan Lee movie and comic book.
    Auditions were held in a warehouse. Hundreds of folks itching to become the next great superhero piled inside like cattle to a dairy farm - unbathed and unkempt. Words like Spiderman, Superman and Batman rolled off their tongues repeatedly, while words like Degree, Right Guard and Mitchum were as unfamiliar to them as sunlight. With all the costumes, it looked like a Rave party gone wrong - like someone replaced the Exstacy with crystal meth or low grade Heroin.

    Meet Some Heroes
  • Levity - A 32 year old toy maker with a bad mullet. Levity is a gay superhero. When he said he had a partner, I assumed he meant someone like Robin, Nightwing or Gleep the Monkey. Apparently, he was referring to the kind of "Partner" you have sex with, not the kind you dress up in tight spandex and have adventures with. I think.

  • Rotiart - Looked like Kevin Smith wrapped in aluminum foil.

  • Creature - Token hippy chick. She pretentiously told the camera "I drive a vegetable oil car." How irresponsible is that? If everyone started driving vegetable oil cars, the price of Canola would skyrocket to $50 a barrel. Terrorists would torch all the peanut fields in Georgia. It would be chaos!

  • Major Victory - A DJ from SF. Here's what Major Victory had to say: "I've made a lot of mistakes. I was an exotic dancer, which took a toll on the relationship with my daughter. I wasn't part of her life." Yep. Looks like you're really working hard to restore that father/daughter bond - by leaving her to do a reality show.

  • Iron Enforcer - Vin Diesel with bad acne scars and a water gun taped to his arm. He walked up to Major Victory and said "This gun is the most high-tech weapon to date." Major Victory responded: "Can it caulk a bathroom?"

  • Monkey Woman - Oh yeeaah. Monkey Woman have big monkey breasts. Monkey see, monkey like-ee. Her costume has bananas tied to it. Not sure why, unless she gets lonely at night...

  • Fat Momma - Her real name is Nell Wilson (or Nell Carter. Hard to tell) - She has donuts dangling from her belt. "I want to prove that just because you're fat doesn't mean you can't do the things that other people do. I'm going to rid the world of bullies one donut at a time."
    Sparks flew immediately when Creature said "I'm a little worried about young people seeing donuts as part of loving your body." Shut up and drink your grass juice, dirty hippy.

  • Feedback - 34 year old software engineer - "I quit my job to be on this show." Nice move, slick. Amazing powers of unemployability.

    The First Challenge
    Took place in the middle of the city. All contestants began the challenge in street clothes. When paged, they had to change into their superhero costume as inconspicuously as possible then race to the finish line.

  • Fat Momma - Panting, sweating and breasts bouncing around like two mutated mexican jumping beans. Lady, they said "Street Clothes", not "Street Corner Clothes" - you could at least wear a bra.

  • One guy changed inside a port-a-potty, Monkey Girl climbed a tree.

  • Nitro G changed behind a one foot wall in the middle of the park while everyone watched. He had a big toothy grin and looked like Arnie climbing the tree in What's Eating Gilbert Grape.

  • The hippy did her costume change in a garbage can, or what she likes to call "The Kitchen."

    Twist!!

    A little girl stood directly in the path to the finish line, crying for her mommy. Obvious plant. So here's the dilemma: Ignore the little girl and achieve the best time possible? OR stop to help the little girl and risk losing the challenge? Gee, unless your IQ is smaller than your cod piece, I think you'd have to save the child, don't you? Now let's see what choices the heroes made:

    "Mommy, mommy! I can't find my mommy."

  • Feedback and Nitro G- zoomed by. They saw her, ignored her and crossed that finish line in record time.

  • Monkey Woman saw the crying child and raised her spear in the air triumphantly as she crossed the finish line - leaving the girl to be kidnapped by internet pedophiles. Woot Woot!

  • As Iron Enforcer ran by the little girl he said "Absolutely nothing distracted me. I saw the arches and I busted through."

  • And then we have Creature. The Hippy ran right past, grinning like she just scored a pound of weed. Yes, you read that correctly. The hippy, who cares about all living things, didn't stop to help the child. Imagine that. She ran right past her like the little girl was wearing a fur coat and eating meat. I guess if the girl had been yelling out "Government handouts!" instead of "I can't find my mommy!" maybe she would've stopped.

    Elimination
    Surprise, idiots! The challenge wasn't "Who could complete the task the fastest" but "Who stopped to save the little girl." In the end, Stan Lee eliminated Nitro for his glaring powers of stupidity. I still picture him behind the one foot wall, bare ass in the air, waving at all the spectators while he changed into his costume - a confident, yet vacant smile on his face.

    This show has potential. Until next week...Excelsior, mother f@&kers!!!!
  • Tuesday, July 25, 2006

    Comic-Con 2006 Beymer Family Vacation


    With the exception of the AVN awards, Comic-Con is my favorite annual social event. And since I couldn't plan our family vacation around Inari Vachs and Miko Tan, Comic-Con was the next best thing.

    300 Days Ago
    This pivotal conversation with my wife occurred over dinner one night.

    WIFE - We should go on a family vacation next summer.
    ME - Yep. Hmm. Where should we go?
    WIFE - Someplace easy, since we'll be carrying around a two year old baby.
    ME - Hmm. How about San Diego? They've got a zoo, lots of water, Seaworld, Lego Land...
    WIFE - (Suspiciously) Maybe...
    ME - ...great weather, nice restaurants...
    WIFE - When do you want to go?
    ME - Oh, I don't know..(pausing. Not sure how long to pause... Don't want wife to get suspicious. If I pause too long she'll figure out -)
    WIFE - Why aren't you saying anything?
    ME - Just off the top of my head, maybe July 19 through the 23rd?
    WIFE - You fat bastard.

    Journey to Con

  • Our first hurdle involved the family dog. We couldn't just leave her in the house with a bag of food, a gallon of water and a sheet of newspaper - at least, that's what my wife told me - so we needed to board her in a kennel. The idea of leaving the dog in a kennel for five days made my wife cry, but we managed to dump her there anyway.
    "See, it's a vacation for her, too." I said. This only made things worse. I might as well have taken her behind the shed with a shotgun like at the end of Old Yeller.


  • Arrived at the airport. Lugging suitcases, a car seat, a stroller, two backpacks and a two-year old across a hot, complicated parking lot. "Is this Hell?" I asked. A little voice answered "No, son. This is SFO."


  • It sucks being a tall, fat guy in the aisle seat of a cramped airplane. The airlines don't exactly design their seats with the "Exceptionally Girthed" individual in mind, and I'm accustomed to the look of horror on a passenger's face as I walk by their row. Looks of "Oh, please God. Don't let him sit next to me..."

    Once I settled into my aisle seat, I was treated to some guy struggling to get his luggage on the rack above me while boring his crotch into my face like I just paid him twenty dollars for a lap dance. I don't remember much else - something in his crotch poked me in the eye and temporarily blinded me, causing all further memories to repress.

    Hotel Breakfast

  • Went to breakfast downstairs with the other Comic-Con folks. One lady brought her own box of Life cereal and asked the waiter for nothing but a bowl and a carton of milk. I laughed and shook my head thinking "What a retard", then I opened the bill for my "Continental Breakfast", saw the $40 price tag and felt like Ned Beatty in Deliverance after the director pulled "Mountain Man Number One" off of him. Horrified, I looked up from the bill and saw the woman - milk dripping off her chin, a square of Life stuck to her bottom lip - laughing at me. I swear she was mouthing the words "What a retard." from behind her box of cereal.

    Comic-Con Bus Shuttle

  • We took a shuttle from the hotel to Comic-Con. The bus was filled with ComiCon attendees - felt like we were surrounded by that creepy family from The Hills Have Eyes.

    There was a 500 pound guy sitting in front of us. I smirked, pointed, and whispered some clever remark to my wife. She grabbed my spare tire and jiggled it. Point taken.


  • A man dressed in a Storm Trooper costume stood at the back of the bus, unable to sit. He said he wanted to sit down, but that it wouldn't be a pretty sight. I don't know what that means, and I don't EVER want to know what that means. He was staying at our hotel, and I'd seen him walking through the lobby earlier in full uniform.

    One of the shuttle passengers was giving this guy so much shit, I kept waiting for the Storm Trooper to shoot him like an uppity Ewok.

    "Dude," the guy said, "You should go down to the lobby in your costume, tie a towel around your waist, and complain that there's no hot water in your shower."

    I don't know why, but I found this so damned funny that I was crying. Funnier still was the fact that the Storm Trooper didn't get the joke. "I don't think Storm Troopers take showers in their uniforms." He said. Nice comeback. And I don't think Storm Troopers live in their mother's basement either. So put your helmet back on, dude.


  • Passed a homeless woman reading a newspaper on the sidewalk. Perusing Used Shopping Carts? Checking the stock market perhaps? Later, I saw her walking around Comic-Con as an attendee. I was wrong. She wasn't homeless, just hygienically impaired.

    Comic-Con

  • As I attempted to navigate my baby stroller through the massive crowds, I overheard this gem: "I can't believe people still bring their kids to this thing." Um, it's called Comic-Con, not Porni-Con.


  • Autograph Row contained such prominent theatrically trained thespians as Erin Gray, Richard Hatch and the Asian guy from Star Trek Voyager. I tried to get a photo of Marc Singer without paying for it, and he nearly went Beastmaster all over me. I thought I was going to get blindsided by an eagle and a couple ferrets.


  • As I wandered through the Convention Hall, I kept catching whiffs of something horrible in the air - like finding a bunch of rotten bananas on the kitchen counter that you forgot about, or a dead rat in the cupboard. If some of these guys would spend as much time with a bar of soap as they do with 20 sided dice, the experience would've been a lot more pleasant.


  • Carrie Fisher was signing autographs on the show floor. She really aged poorly. Doesn't look like Princess Leia at all - more like Vanessa Redgrave with spackle smeared all over her face.

    After the Con

  • Got drunk. Wife took off my leash for a few hours and allowed me to get sloshed with some friends while she and the baby hung out at the hotel. Too many pitchers, too many shots. Stumbled back to the hotel room holding a bladder full of beer. Philosophized with a pirate and slave Leia in the elevator to my room while trying to keep my bladder from rupturing. I must have been quite the conversationalist.

    Vacation verdict = Sweet Awesomeness. Hopefully I will be back in San Diego next July.
  •